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Parent Emeritus
How to detach when grandkids are involved.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 616859" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome End of our rope. I'm glad you found us, but sorry you had to.</p><p></p><p>Your situation is a difficult one for sure. I am raising my now 17 year old granddaughter, at our age, it can be daunting. I completely understand what you are talking about having lived through similar issues.</p><p></p><p>I had a couple of thoughts. One, make sure you and your wife get support, whether therapy, parent groups, or whatever, but this landscape for us parents is too treacherous without support. Two, read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. Three, have you looked in to pressing charges? Stealing is against the law no matter who does the stealing. Four, have you spoken to an attorney about what you legal rights are, for instance, if your daughter was to be arrested, where would the children go? Five, do you want custody of the grandchildren? If you do, then consulting an authority about your legal rights seems in order. Six, whatever pathology is at play here is not yours to fix. It is your daughters. Having her now living with you is likely to bring a lot to the fore. You may want to look in to the eviction laws in your state, just in case.........in many states, even if they are your children, you have to give them legal notice. Seven, if you do not want to raise your grandkids, then practicing detachment will be challenging but some of us have done it..........you have to ask yourself what you're now willing to do. Your daughter is unlikely to change, she is likely to continue stealing from you,so you should have a plan. If it were me, I would get answers, talk to an attorney, find out from the police what happens if you press charges and find out what happens to the kids and if you can take them if you in fact,want them. </p><p></p><p>Our kids can certainly take us on the worst ride of our lives and at our age, near retirement, they can deplete us in every possible way............<strong><u>do not allow her to do that to you. </u></strong> You don't deserve it. Figure out what you want to do and then follow through. Our adult kids need strong impenetrable boundaries which are enforceable with clear consequences.............even if she is mentally ill, or has other issues, you are still not responsible for her choices. Find out what your options are, figure out what you want and then move forward with your power in tact, do not enable her any longer..........you own the house, it's your home, your rules.........she breaks them, figure out what the consequences are........and enforce them...........YOU make the rules now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 616859, member: 13542"] Welcome End of our rope. I'm glad you found us, but sorry you had to. Your situation is a difficult one for sure. I am raising my now 17 year old granddaughter, at our age, it can be daunting. I completely understand what you are talking about having lived through similar issues. I had a couple of thoughts. One, make sure you and your wife get support, whether therapy, parent groups, or whatever, but this landscape for us parents is too treacherous without support. Two, read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. Three, have you looked in to pressing charges? Stealing is against the law no matter who does the stealing. Four, have you spoken to an attorney about what you legal rights are, for instance, if your daughter was to be arrested, where would the children go? Five, do you want custody of the grandchildren? If you do, then consulting an authority about your legal rights seems in order. Six, whatever pathology is at play here is not yours to fix. It is your daughters. Having her now living with you is likely to bring a lot to the fore. You may want to look in to the eviction laws in your state, just in case.........in many states, even if they are your children, you have to give them legal notice. Seven, if you do not want to raise your grandkids, then practicing detachment will be challenging but some of us have done it..........you have to ask yourself what you're now willing to do. Your daughter is unlikely to change, she is likely to continue stealing from you,so you should have a plan. If it were me, I would get answers, talk to an attorney, find out from the police what happens if you press charges and find out what happens to the kids and if you can take them if you in fact,want them. Our kids can certainly take us on the worst ride of our lives and at our age, near retirement, they can deplete us in every possible way............[B][U]do not allow her to do that to you. [/U][/B] You don't deserve it. Figure out what you want to do and then follow through. Our adult kids need strong impenetrable boundaries which are enforceable with clear consequences.............even if she is mentally ill, or has other issues, you are still not responsible for her choices. Find out what your options are, figure out what you want and then move forward with your power in tact, do not enable her any longer..........you own the house, it's your home, your rules.........she breaks them, figure out what the consequences are........and enforce them...........YOU make the rules now. [/QUOTE]
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