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How to detach when grandkids are involved.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 616882" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Oh boy, I can so relate to everything you are saying. My daughter is 10 years older then yours, doesn't steal from me, but has no sense of personal responsibility which has left me in a similar place as you described. I have forfeited a lot to raise my granddaughter and often on this board I am the one suggesting that other grandparents in this boat look at ALL their other options. Going through the teen years was pretty hairy at times and not what I had envisioned doing at 64. On the other hand, had I not stepped in, I can't even imagine where my granddaughter would be right now. It's still a conundrum. </p><p></p><p>This is such a tough call for you two. It sounds as if you have explored the options. Your daughter has done a lot of damage in your lives and I am so sorry for that, I know how devastating that is, emotionally as well as financially. </p><p></p><p>I've been on this board for two years now, going through a kind of hell that most people can't imagine, as many others here are too. The best advice I can give to you is to absolutely stop enabling your daughter. Stop all payments. Stop giving her money. Whatever it is that you resent is enabling, so where you feel resentment, stop that giving. What helped me tremendously was an 18 month therapy lead intense course on codependency where I was brought back to "normal" and given tools to change my responses to my daughter. It took time, but I did it. I kept disengaging from her little by little. I wanted my sanity back. I wanted peace of mind and I wanted my life back. To that end I was really willing to do anything. That's where you have to get.</p><p></p><p>This is not YOUR failure, it is your daughter's who has dragged you, your wife and her two children through her miserable life. You have got to get yourself out of her clutches, her manipulations, her selfishness, her lack of remorse, her lack of empathy, all of it. If you decide you want the kids then have her arrested for the latest theft. She must face some consequences for her behavior or the truth is you will be 87 and still locking up your belongings. We all have to get real about our kids. They are NOT who we think they are, that parental desire to see them how we WANT to as opposed to how they really are coupled with our GUILT for imagined wrong doings that the kids usually place on OUR shoulders, keeps us STUCK. Get yourself unstuck. See the truth. Take action. Get yourself out from under her control. Kick her to the curb and figure out if you want the kids or other options for the kids. At 31, the odds of her going to school now and changing are really less then remote. Sorry to be so direct, but what got me to wake up was people telling me the truth while I was busy staying in my own denial. You're in what my therapists called the FOG, that stuck place we parents go when confronted with the horrors of the reality of what our kids have done.............and we don't want to believe it so we stay stuck in that fog, a place of NON action. Walk out of that and take action.</p><p></p><p>I understand the loss you speak of and I understand how devastating it is. I've been there and in some ways I'm still there. But I made choices along the way. I figured out what I was willing to do. I figured out what I was NOT willing to do. The choice with your grandkids is difficult, HOWEVER, the choice with your daughter is not..............she is the one causing all the misery for everyone. She is the guilty party, she is the one who should be feeling like a failure, not you. You said it, your daughter is a "threat to the household." Protect your family. Insist she be responsible for her actions. She won't change but YOU can.</p><p></p><p>Wishing you peace..........glad you're here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 616882, member: 13542"] Oh boy, I can so relate to everything you are saying. My daughter is 10 years older then yours, doesn't steal from me, but has no sense of personal responsibility which has left me in a similar place as you described. I have forfeited a lot to raise my granddaughter and often on this board I am the one suggesting that other grandparents in this boat look at ALL their other options. Going through the teen years was pretty hairy at times and not what I had envisioned doing at 64. On the other hand, had I not stepped in, I can't even imagine where my granddaughter would be right now. It's still a conundrum. This is such a tough call for you two. It sounds as if you have explored the options. Your daughter has done a lot of damage in your lives and I am so sorry for that, I know how devastating that is, emotionally as well as financially. I've been on this board for two years now, going through a kind of hell that most people can't imagine, as many others here are too. The best advice I can give to you is to absolutely stop enabling your daughter. Stop all payments. Stop giving her money. Whatever it is that you resent is enabling, so where you feel resentment, stop that giving. What helped me tremendously was an 18 month therapy lead intense course on codependency where I was brought back to "normal" and given tools to change my responses to my daughter. It took time, but I did it. I kept disengaging from her little by little. I wanted my sanity back. I wanted peace of mind and I wanted my life back. To that end I was really willing to do anything. That's where you have to get. This is not YOUR failure, it is your daughter's who has dragged you, your wife and her two children through her miserable life. You have got to get yourself out of her clutches, her manipulations, her selfishness, her lack of remorse, her lack of empathy, all of it. If you decide you want the kids then have her arrested for the latest theft. She must face some consequences for her behavior or the truth is you will be 87 and still locking up your belongings. We all have to get real about our kids. They are NOT who we think they are, that parental desire to see them how we WANT to as opposed to how they really are coupled with our GUILT for imagined wrong doings that the kids usually place on OUR shoulders, keeps us STUCK. Get yourself unstuck. See the truth. Take action. Get yourself out from under her control. Kick her to the curb and figure out if you want the kids or other options for the kids. At 31, the odds of her going to school now and changing are really less then remote. Sorry to be so direct, but what got me to wake up was people telling me the truth while I was busy staying in my own denial. You're in what my therapists called the FOG, that stuck place we parents go when confronted with the horrors of the reality of what our kids have done.............and we don't want to believe it so we stay stuck in that fog, a place of NON action. Walk out of that and take action. I understand the loss you speak of and I understand how devastating it is. I've been there and in some ways I'm still there. But I made choices along the way. I figured out what I was willing to do. I figured out what I was NOT willing to do. The choice with your grandkids is difficult, HOWEVER, the choice with your daughter is not..............she is the one causing all the misery for everyone. She is the guilty party, she is the one who should be feeling like a failure, not you. You said it, your daughter is a "threat to the household." Protect your family. Insist she be responsible for her actions. She won't change but YOU can. Wishing you peace..........glad you're here. [/QUOTE]
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