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How to detach when grandkids are involved.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 616891" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>End of our rope, you <u>WILL</u> make it to the end. But navigating those "rocks" is where the treacherous water comes in. Find yourself a therapist, or someone, a counselor, a pastor, a person who can help YOU make it through.............not a therapist for your daughter, but for you and your wife. Detaching from my daughter was the single most difficult thing I have ever done and truly, if it weren't for my therapist and another therapist who lead the parent support group, both highly skilled in these very issues and who directed me through the process of detachment, I am not sure I would have gotten to where I presently am. </p><p></p><p>There are quite a few pitfalls along the way especially when there are grandkids which your daughter will likely use as weapons to keep YOU doing what she needs. Our kids are master manipulators. In order for them to keep everything going the way they need to they have become experts at lying, stealing and manipulating with a complete lack of empathy and remorse. And we, the parents, are usually their first and easiest targets because we love them and want the best for them and often refuse to believe who they've turned out to be.</p><p></p><p>I think you have peaked out of the fog long enough to see as much of the truth as you need to in order for you to begin the process of detachment from your daughter. That truth will be your guiding light through. </p><p></p><p>I think you are wise to be putting together a plan of action. In the meantime, keep all of your assets away from her, protect yourself and your resources. Get the facts, do your research, find professionals to help you, figure out exactly what your rights are in all the possible scenarios. </p><p></p><p>Many of us here make contracts for our kids if they are in our homes............mapping out our expectations and consequences. However, you must then be willing to enforce the consequences or your word ends up meaning nothing. She should be working and giving you money for rent and food. She should be helping around the house. She should be respectful of you and your wife. She should also be grateful, but I imagine that is not the case. Most of our kids are entitled and selfish and think everyone else is to blame and they should have a free ride. </p><p></p><p>I know how that feels to be comforted and scared at the same time, I felt that often as I learned how to remove myself from my daughter's choices and lifestyle as more and more of the actual truth revealed itself............or was revealed TO me. As I progressed it felt good to have the dilemma I found myself in recognized here on this board, by others going through similar things......... and it was daunting at first to listen to the therapists telling me that I had choices and could act on them...........that how I felt was a normal response to an abnormal situation and that I had the courage and the commitment to change it. Whew. What a ride. Right on through those rocks you speak of. </p><p></p><p>Keep posting here, it really helps. It helps if you write a signature at the bottom of your posts so we can recall your information and respond accordingly. I have a lot of empathy for you and where you find yourself, I really get how you feel............and I get how much it sucks too...............hang in there, you can do this. Really discover what it is YOU TRULY WANT and then go forward.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 616891, member: 13542"] End of our rope, you [U]WILL[/U] make it to the end. But navigating those "rocks" is where the treacherous water comes in. Find yourself a therapist, or someone, a counselor, a pastor, a person who can help YOU make it through.............not a therapist for your daughter, but for you and your wife. Detaching from my daughter was the single most difficult thing I have ever done and truly, if it weren't for my therapist and another therapist who lead the parent support group, both highly skilled in these very issues and who directed me through the process of detachment, I am not sure I would have gotten to where I presently am. There are quite a few pitfalls along the way especially when there are grandkids which your daughter will likely use as weapons to keep YOU doing what she needs. Our kids are master manipulators. In order for them to keep everything going the way they need to they have become experts at lying, stealing and manipulating with a complete lack of empathy and remorse. And we, the parents, are usually their first and easiest targets because we love them and want the best for them and often refuse to believe who they've turned out to be. I think you have peaked out of the fog long enough to see as much of the truth as you need to in order for you to begin the process of detachment from your daughter. That truth will be your guiding light through. I think you are wise to be putting together a plan of action. In the meantime, keep all of your assets away from her, protect yourself and your resources. Get the facts, do your research, find professionals to help you, figure out exactly what your rights are in all the possible scenarios. Many of us here make contracts for our kids if they are in our homes............mapping out our expectations and consequences. However, you must then be willing to enforce the consequences or your word ends up meaning nothing. She should be working and giving you money for rent and food. She should be helping around the house. She should be respectful of you and your wife. She should also be grateful, but I imagine that is not the case. Most of our kids are entitled and selfish and think everyone else is to blame and they should have a free ride. I know how that feels to be comforted and scared at the same time, I felt that often as I learned how to remove myself from my daughter's choices and lifestyle as more and more of the actual truth revealed itself............or was revealed TO me. As I progressed it felt good to have the dilemma I found myself in recognized here on this board, by others going through similar things......... and it was daunting at first to listen to the therapists telling me that I had choices and could act on them...........that how I felt was a normal response to an abnormal situation and that I had the courage and the commitment to change it. Whew. What a ride. Right on through those rocks you speak of. Keep posting here, it really helps. It helps if you write a signature at the bottom of your posts so we can recall your information and respond accordingly. I have a lot of empathy for you and where you find yourself, I really get how you feel............and I get how much it sucks too...............hang in there, you can do this. Really discover what it is YOU TRULY WANT and then go forward. [/QUOTE]
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