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How to detach when grandkids are involved.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 632453" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Al-Anon is for family/friends who have loved ones who are addicts. AA is for the addicts. Totally different groups. Al-Anon is really helpful for many of us, but you have to go five or six times to give it a fair shot and you have to go with an open mind. You will hear some things that are new to you, but the old way hasn't worked...can't hurt to give a new mindset a try.</p><p></p><p>You don't have to listen...sort of take what you like here and leave the rest...but I'd not take all of her calls. If you do, don't get into it with her. Listen, say "yes" or "I hear you" but do not overly engage. If she gets abusive, well, I would tell her she has to treat you with respect or you will gently have to hang up until she can speak to you in a calm way. This worked miracles with my abusive son. Now some adult children go silent when boundaries are set down, but that is part of their own dysfunction...they can not take the blame for their behavior and they feel entitled to be taken care of even though they are far beyond the age when a parent normally caretakes even her/his own child. Were you living at Dad and Mom's on their dime at her age and not contributing a thing?Did you talk to them like she talks to you?</p><p></p><p>What isn't worth it? Listening to her or having her live with you? Do you want to go back there? She has not changed yet. She is saying that to get you to cave in as you have always done in the past.</p><p></p><p>You can choose to do neither. But if you decide to cut back the amount of time you talk to her, that doesn't mean you NEVER speak to her. It means you do when you feel you are strong enough and you limit your time and you set boundaries as to how she is allowed to talk to you.</p><p></p><p>If not, you will probably be doing this forever. A good book: "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. It is a religious book, but if you are not religious just skip that part and read the practical tips, which are excellent. A lot of us have read this book.</p><p></p><p>I wish you luck, regardless of which path you choose. There ARE parents who feel too much guilt to stop caretaking their adult child and do it until they die, forgoing a life of their own. It's an option, just not one most of us here on this forum have chosen.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 632453, member: 1550"] Al-Anon is for family/friends who have loved ones who are addicts. AA is for the addicts. Totally different groups. Al-Anon is really helpful for many of us, but you have to go five or six times to give it a fair shot and you have to go with an open mind. You will hear some things that are new to you, but the old way hasn't worked...can't hurt to give a new mindset a try. You don't have to listen...sort of take what you like here and leave the rest...but I'd not take all of her calls. If you do, don't get into it with her. Listen, say "yes" or "I hear you" but do not overly engage. If she gets abusive, well, I would tell her she has to treat you with respect or you will gently have to hang up until she can speak to you in a calm way. This worked miracles with my abusive son. Now some adult children go silent when boundaries are set down, but that is part of their own dysfunction...they can not take the blame for their behavior and they feel entitled to be taken care of even though they are far beyond the age when a parent normally caretakes even her/his own child. Were you living at Dad and Mom's on their dime at her age and not contributing a thing?Did you talk to them like she talks to you? What isn't worth it? Listening to her or having her live with you? Do you want to go back there? She has not changed yet. She is saying that to get you to cave in as you have always done in the past. You can choose to do neither. But if you decide to cut back the amount of time you talk to her, that doesn't mean you NEVER speak to her. It means you do when you feel you are strong enough and you limit your time and you set boundaries as to how she is allowed to talk to you. If not, you will probably be doing this forever. A good book: "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. It is a religious book, but if you are not religious just skip that part and read the practical tips, which are excellent. A lot of us have read this book. I wish you luck, regardless of which path you choose. There ARE parents who feel too much guilt to stop caretaking their adult child and do it until they die, forgoing a life of their own. It's an option, just not one most of us here on this forum have chosen. [/QUOTE]
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