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How to detach when grandkids are involved.
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<blockquote data-quote="DammitJanet" data-source="post: 632744" data-attributes="member: 1514"><p>I started reading this post and then realized it was from awhile ago. I have to admit I skipped to the end so I havent read everything that everyone else has said. </p><p></p><p>I do understand a lot of how you are feeling. My youngest son, the one who is the major pain in the rumpus, was born with birth defects that effect him still today. If you saw him walking from the back you would think he was a 70 year old man with a dowager's hump and shoulder's that are not level. He basically shuffles. He is in constant pain. He also inherited my maternal line of mental illness. </p><p></p><p>When I left off my son and his child were just staying in our house until they could find somewhere to go. That didnt happen. Because he kept stealing from us and because we also have an older son who doesnt seem able to fly the nest appropriately we made a very unusual choice. We left. We did decide to charge them rent for our home but their father and I found a small place to rent in our town that we love. </p><p></p><p>Now I do have more experience with my son ending up in jail than you do. I refuse to bail him out anymore. </p><p></p><p>His father and I do have a huge difference of opinion on his kids. I feel that we shouldnt engage much with him unless and until he can show us that he is actively working towards change. Show...not words. If that means we dont go over and make nice so we can pick up his youngest child...well oh well. We get his oldest daughter from her mother because they are from two different women. I dont have to deal with him when it comes to his oldest daughter. Problem is his father feels the two girls should be together as much as possible so he wants to go get the youngest whenever we have the oldest. I tend to differ. I have told him that if it was that we were getting the youngest from her mother it would be a different story but since she basically lives with my son, that isnt to be. </p><p></p><p>At one time I thought I would love to raise his oldest daughter. She is the love of my life. I dont feel that way so much anymore. I love having her here but for much more than a week or two and I am so tired. I would do it if I had to but I hope I dont. </p><p></p><p>I also get the grandparent's rights thing. We dont have them here either. I have always tried to keep a good relationship with the oldest grandchild's mother so I have access to her. At this point everyone knows it would hurt her too badly to keep her away from us. </p><p></p><p>I dont know that there are any answers. Oh...one thing I did see you write somewhere. You said that you dont read anywhere on this site about success stories. Well I think you could consider me one. </p><p></p><p>I was once the kids we talk about on this board. I was a really horrible kid and teen. I know now that I was born with bipolar but back then no one ever even thought about that. I was just thought of as bad. My mother was worse. My dad did have to put his foot down with me when my parents divorced when I was 18 and he cut off the purse strings. He would talk to me but I firmly knew that he would do nothing for me as long as I was not doing the right things. Eventually I did grow up and it took me a long time to prove to him that I was being responsible and doing the right stuff but eventually he started getting closer to me again. By the time my kids were teens and it was so hard, he was firmly in my corner giving me support. I am glad he handled things the way he did.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DammitJanet, post: 632744, member: 1514"] I started reading this post and then realized it was from awhile ago. I have to admit I skipped to the end so I havent read everything that everyone else has said. I do understand a lot of how you are feeling. My youngest son, the one who is the major pain in the rumpus, was born with birth defects that effect him still today. If you saw him walking from the back you would think he was a 70 year old man with a dowager's hump and shoulder's that are not level. He basically shuffles. He is in constant pain. He also inherited my maternal line of mental illness. When I left off my son and his child were just staying in our house until they could find somewhere to go. That didnt happen. Because he kept stealing from us and because we also have an older son who doesnt seem able to fly the nest appropriately we made a very unusual choice. We left. We did decide to charge them rent for our home but their father and I found a small place to rent in our town that we love. Now I do have more experience with my son ending up in jail than you do. I refuse to bail him out anymore. His father and I do have a huge difference of opinion on his kids. I feel that we shouldnt engage much with him unless and until he can show us that he is actively working towards change. Show...not words. If that means we dont go over and make nice so we can pick up his youngest child...well oh well. We get his oldest daughter from her mother because they are from two different women. I dont have to deal with him when it comes to his oldest daughter. Problem is his father feels the two girls should be together as much as possible so he wants to go get the youngest whenever we have the oldest. I tend to differ. I have told him that if it was that we were getting the youngest from her mother it would be a different story but since she basically lives with my son, that isnt to be. At one time I thought I would love to raise his oldest daughter. She is the love of my life. I dont feel that way so much anymore. I love having her here but for much more than a week or two and I am so tired. I would do it if I had to but I hope I dont. I also get the grandparent's rights thing. We dont have them here either. I have always tried to keep a good relationship with the oldest grandchild's mother so I have access to her. At this point everyone knows it would hurt her too badly to keep her away from us. I dont know that there are any answers. Oh...one thing I did see you write somewhere. You said that you dont read anywhere on this site about success stories. Well I think you could consider me one. I was once the kids we talk about on this board. I was a really horrible kid and teen. I know now that I was born with bipolar but back then no one ever even thought about that. I was just thought of as bad. My mother was worse. My dad did have to put his foot down with me when my parents divorced when I was 18 and he cut off the purse strings. He would talk to me but I firmly knew that he would do nothing for me as long as I was not doing the right things. Eventually I did grow up and it took me a long time to prove to him that I was being responsible and doing the right stuff but eventually he started getting closer to me again. By the time my kids were teens and it was so hard, he was firmly in my corner giving me support. I am glad he handled things the way he did. [/QUOTE]
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