TeDo & ML, I do understand this problem, we have experienced it in spades. And not just with difficult children - my health condition is rare, not well described and very difficult to explain. For years, my own family thought I was a weirdo. I lost a lot of friends; most of the friends I have now, have only known me since my disability. Ironically, my health has improved a great deal (with regard to tis disability) and friends are having difficulty accepting "the new me".
Regarding difficult child 3 especially, friends were not very accepting of the diagnosis. One local doctor loudly (in the hearing of a room full of patients, most of whom know us well) told me to "stop trying to find things wrong with your kids."
You can't convince people. It is a famous saying, "A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still." However, you have to cope, you have to access services and you have to continue to deal with the problems.
So - as I said on another thread, I found ways to be useful. When my child had a play date, I went along too and say=t chatting to the mother and drinking coffee, or hel[ping her with dinner or anything else. It meant I was on the spot if needed and it also meant that the parent saw how I handled difficult child 3 and valued it. It also was demonstrating how I do it, for when I wasn't there. It also meant I was more trusted with THEIR child on a return play date.
Most parents of their kids still found us both in the too hard basket. But enough have appreciated this, for difficult child 3 to have friends he can drop in on at any time.
It's hardest when it's your own family who disbelieve the diagnosis or who give you a hard time. We found that once we started using "Explosive Child" methods, friends/family fell into two camps - the ones that supported it and went along with our requests, and the ones that quietly thought we were nuts and were prepared to go so far as to discipline our child behind our backs, in their own fashion.
Now, it is a function of "Explosive CHild" methods, we have discovered (to our amusement) that the family members who do NOT come on board and use it, become the most intense focus for the child's anger and oppositional behaviour. ANd to my mind, it means those family members are being severely punished for their recalcitrant behaviour. Eventually they complain to me about my child's behaviour and I then tell them - you have chosen to punish this child using a discipline method which is now outdated and discredited, as far as this child is concerned. I am now getting much better behaviour results with my methods, but if they continue to use their own old methods, which are perfectly fine for most kids but not this one, then they will continue to 'enjoy' the child's justified hostility. I then offer (again) to demonstrate how to handle the child and especially emphasise - don't try to do too much; choose your battles and as he achieves certain standards, we can gradually up the ante then. Not now. And I also stress - natural consequences.
But friends and family who don't get it, will never get it even with all your explanations, until they work it out for themselves. We did what we could to explain, of course, to people we wanted on board. But if the explanation didn't 'take', we stopped beating our heads against the wall and also tended to avoid those people who would not come on board. Life is too short to let such people control our lives. Over time they wither stop controlling, or they stop being in our lives. It's as simple as that.
And I get REAL cranky with family who think they know better tan me and who try to discipline my child when they think I don't know. Particularly people who have known us well enough and for long enough to know it's not our method, and especially when their own child-raiding capability is badly flawed.
But it IS human nature. Just watch out for it. You may not realise it's happening, because the child may be too loyal to the family member to complain to you. The clue will be the disciplining family member personally. They will either tell you smugly that your child will be all right now they've set them straight, or they will be sullen and resentful because your child disrespected their discipline efforts. When you see those signs - go question your child. Carefully, gently, with no leading questions. "What happened?" is the best option, coupled with, "you are not in trouble if you tell me the truth."
It is not easy being a parent. It is even more difficult being a parent of a difficult child. And I do not cut off these disciplining people because if I did, we would have zero contact with any friends or family. We just maintain supervision when such people are around.
Marg