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How to get boyfriend to understand. (Long Sorry)
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 235463" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Oh, crikey, where to start?</p><p></p><p>First, you and boyfriend need to be on the same page on this, and other matters. Not that he has to be as strict a disciplinarian as you (or vice versa). Your son is your son, his son is his son, but you are on common ground and where it all overlaps, you need to all be on the same page. You each have a son with problems (different sorts of problems) and this is only adding to the problems. There is just so much that needs to be spelled out, well ahead of time - I'm sorry, but love alone often isn't enough.</p><p></p><p>However, you're there now and you're in it. So what can you do? </p><p></p><p>A book we've had a lot of success with on this site is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Where parenting styles we've grown up with, that worked for us when we were kids, just don't seem to be working with our kids, this book can help. It can also help with kids who are also doing well. You don't have to make exceptions for anyone. There is some good discussion on this book in the Early Childhood forum. </p><p></p><p>With communication with your partner, especiallywhen dealing with more than one difficult child, my own personal recommendation is for you to get your boyfriend to lurk here/post here too. Even if you think your communication with each other is perfect (and this early in your relationship, that's not as likely) I suspect you would find this would help you communicate even better. At least, that's how it has worked for me and husband. He reads what I post, he thinks about it, anything he disagrees with or doesn't understand, he talks about with me. Sometimes we just talk, not just about our kids but about problems in general. I like his fresh approach and it has helped us understand even more about each other and how we think.</p><p></p><p>Other than that - maybe read the book, or read a bit more about how it works. </p><p></p><p>As for the situation you describe - you dealt with the problem on the surface (which was I think all you could do at the time) and I think you handled it well. But there are bigger underlying problems that need to be handled proactively, and I think you and your boyfriend both need help with how to do this. You need to actually do it (for your son) and he needs to understand how and why you are doing it. And maybe he needs to apply similar techniques to his own family.</p><p></p><p>Otherwise, all you will be doing (both of you) is lurching from crisis to crisis and instead of actually dealing with the underlying problems, you will be finding fault with one another. Not heathly for your kids, not healthy for your relationship.</p><p></p><p>And more - it is exhausting doing it that way. You needn't be so tired, you needn't be so stressed, and you could find a better way. ALso an easier way.</p><p></p><p>Read the book first. But be assured - we do know your story. Very well indeed.</p><p></p><p>Welcome. Sorry you need us, but glad we're here for you.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 235463, member: 1991"] Oh, crikey, where to start? First, you and boyfriend need to be on the same page on this, and other matters. Not that he has to be as strict a disciplinarian as you (or vice versa). Your son is your son, his son is his son, but you are on common ground and where it all overlaps, you need to all be on the same page. You each have a son with problems (different sorts of problems) and this is only adding to the problems. There is just so much that needs to be spelled out, well ahead of time - I'm sorry, but love alone often isn't enough. However, you're there now and you're in it. So what can you do? A book we've had a lot of success with on this site is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Where parenting styles we've grown up with, that worked for us when we were kids, just don't seem to be working with our kids, this book can help. It can also help with kids who are also doing well. You don't have to make exceptions for anyone. There is some good discussion on this book in the Early Childhood forum. With communication with your partner, especiallywhen dealing with more than one difficult child, my own personal recommendation is for you to get your boyfriend to lurk here/post here too. Even if you think your communication with each other is perfect (and this early in your relationship, that's not as likely) I suspect you would find this would help you communicate even better. At least, that's how it has worked for me and husband. He reads what I post, he thinks about it, anything he disagrees with or doesn't understand, he talks about with me. Sometimes we just talk, not just about our kids but about problems in general. I like his fresh approach and it has helped us understand even more about each other and how we think. Other than that - maybe read the book, or read a bit more about how it works. As for the situation you describe - you dealt with the problem on the surface (which was I think all you could do at the time) and I think you handled it well. But there are bigger underlying problems that need to be handled proactively, and I think you and your boyfriend both need help with how to do this. You need to actually do it (for your son) and he needs to understand how and why you are doing it. And maybe he needs to apply similar techniques to his own family. Otherwise, all you will be doing (both of you) is lurching from crisis to crisis and instead of actually dealing with the underlying problems, you will be finding fault with one another. Not heathly for your kids, not healthy for your relationship. And more - it is exhausting doing it that way. You needn't be so tired, you needn't be so stressed, and you could find a better way. ALso an easier way. Read the book first. But be assured - we do know your story. Very well indeed. Welcome. Sorry you need us, but glad we're here for you. Marg [/QUOTE]
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