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How to handle judgements...
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 34695" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Your cousin has her own problems, from her longing for a child and then seeing you apparently mishandle yours. Of course, she would be a perfect mother with a perfect child. She's a professional and her longing for a child is so absolute that it would make sure she was perfect.</p><p></p><p>Don't be too hasty to assume she is upset with you, or angry at how you do things. There is a lot more going on for her, that she is having trouble coping with.</p><p></p><p>I remember wanting a baby so badly that I really was in trouble. A good friend was pregnant and I couldn't look at her. For some months I couldn't visit or even talk to her. I wanted to stay friends with her and I was scared I'd say something thoughtless and offensive, primed by my own longing. Fortunately I was pregnant by the time her baby was born, so I was able to cuddle her baby without bursting into tears.</p><p></p><p>Your cousin's boundaries are probably more complex than you realise. Just don't take them personally. And if by chance your cousin IS intending you to take her criticism personally, your refusal to is STILL healthier for you. Keep telling yourself, "It's her, not me." And give her a copy of the book, or at least your review. Or a printout of the Early Childhood thread on the book.</p><p></p><p>One final thing - if you begin to try this, and it works for you, she should see improvement. But if she continues to use old-fashioned methods on him, while others around him are using the basket method, she will find him rejecting her in a BIG way. And when she complains to you about tis, tell her why - she's refusing to use the alternative method that IS working for him, with other people. And until she comes on board, she'd better get used to him being oppositional with her.</p><p></p><p>I know, because this is exactly what I saw with difficult child 3. And when the 'heavies' finally came on board, it took time but they eventually made headway with him too.</p><p></p><p>Good luck!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 34695, member: 1991"] Your cousin has her own problems, from her longing for a child and then seeing you apparently mishandle yours. Of course, she would be a perfect mother with a perfect child. She's a professional and her longing for a child is so absolute that it would make sure she was perfect. Don't be too hasty to assume she is upset with you, or angry at how you do things. There is a lot more going on for her, that she is having trouble coping with. I remember wanting a baby so badly that I really was in trouble. A good friend was pregnant and I couldn't look at her. For some months I couldn't visit or even talk to her. I wanted to stay friends with her and I was scared I'd say something thoughtless and offensive, primed by my own longing. Fortunately I was pregnant by the time her baby was born, so I was able to cuddle her baby without bursting into tears. Your cousin's boundaries are probably more complex than you realise. Just don't take them personally. And if by chance your cousin IS intending you to take her criticism personally, your refusal to is STILL healthier for you. Keep telling yourself, "It's her, not me." And give her a copy of the book, or at least your review. Or a printout of the Early Childhood thread on the book. One final thing - if you begin to try this, and it works for you, she should see improvement. But if she continues to use old-fashioned methods on him, while others around him are using the basket method, she will find him rejecting her in a BIG way. And when she complains to you about tis, tell her why - she's refusing to use the alternative method that IS working for him, with other people. And until she comes on board, she'd better get used to him being oppositional with her. I know, because this is exactly what I saw with difficult child 3. And when the 'heavies' finally came on board, it took time but they eventually made headway with him too. Good luck! Marg [/QUOTE]
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