CaMom - first off, bravo to difficult child for not partaking of substances. I think it's awesome he could walk away. (Now, how to get him to make new friends where the temptation will not be present? But ... I'm hard to please, LOL.)
On the visiting thing... you're a much more tolerant mom than I. When thank you first starting having home visits (5 years ago?), I laid down the law hard and fast - no socializing with- "friends". It was a home visit to reintegrate him into the "home", not a neighborhood visit. To be fair, though, I wasn't dealing with- a teen and it was much easier for me. At this point, he really doesn't have friends in the community anymore and it's not an issue.
My take is that in the pecking order of your son's social ladder, you're below his friends in the community but above peers and activities at Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Which probably might not be totally bad, since I think with- typical teens, parents are usually at the very bottom of the ladder.
My kid has been gone a long time. I *still* feel like our visits at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) are more a diversion for thank you. I know he wants to see us, but let's face it... an off grounds visit (to movies, mall, and restaurants) beats the heck out of sitting on the unit watching TV and dealing with- peers. I went through a period of *really* resenting the heck out of it for a number of reasons - I felt like he was using us in a way, we were expected to entertain and dine him with funds that we really didn't have, and on the few times when we simply couldn't afford the usual off grounds entertainment he actually had the nerve to say "forget it, don't come". To say nothing of the total disruption that going to visit him brought to our family's usual routine: hours on the road, the pcs couldn't play with- *their* friends because we were visiting thank you... it was rough.
I think it's perfectly understandable that you've been visiting every chance you get during the first few months. But I also think it's reasonable and extremely healthy for *all* of you to set some limits. Is 6 hours on the road a weekend reasonable for your family? Is it fair to anyone to do it *every* weekend? When do you get *your* down time? Is perhaps modifying the visiting schedule to every other weekend a bit more fair to everyone? I want to be very clear here - modifying your visits is *not* punishment or a way to teach him empathy, I know it kinda sounds like that's what I'm saying... but really, I'm not. I think it's important for your family's emotional health not to be tied to where difficult child is living at the moment, every single solitary weekend. I hope you understand what I'm saying here... difficult child needs to be able to do his thing at his current placement every other weekend (or every third weekend, or whatever works for your family), in my humble opinion.
I wouldn't tie it in with- the Thanksgiving visit - he's a teen, he doesn't think in terms of your feelings or probably even realize how hurtful it was. I do think pointing out to him that the rest of a family has a life (or needs one!) and needs to be able to sleep in on a Saturday rather than hit the road to see him... perhaps that might get him to think of someone besides himself?
I would also clearly define expectations of "family time" before the next visit. He can go see George, Fred, and Frank from 6:00 to 8:00 Fri nite, 2:00 to 6:00 Sat afternoon, but the rest of the time he needs to be with his family. Of course, in my experience, that also entails coming up with some structured family activities - meals, board games, raking leaves, whatever... but I think the key to keeping him engaged is to keep him occupied.
Just my thoughts - it's really hard finding the right balance, and it's different for each family I think.
