how to instill real change

[Jena]

anyone have the answer to that million dollar question......?? LOL.

I find myself each day complaining about the same junk. Yup as you have all come to learn i complain really well and i'm a bit of a downer as of late. yet it's how i feel truly.

I complain about husband not giving me a heads up as to what the plan will be the two days he's off, his ex texts or calls in the a.m. and tells him what his kids have and where he has to run to all day long. I've asked as I should repeatedly please tell her we need more advance notice. went thru this weeks ago with him again. Yet today again it happens. My quiet night i had planned has now turned into running all night long to drop kids at different things, plays to go to, you name it. and me cancelling us picking up a couch we need i found off internet.

kids their behavior difficult child especially i complain alot. i put provisions in place stay strong yet she knocks each and everyone of them down. same with-easy child. i change tone of voice, i stay strong put my boundaries in place yet still stays the same.

Yes I have LOOKED UP EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION skills LOL. I am a great communicator u can imagine how verbal i am. Yet nothing i do helps or changes anything. now even my mom walking all over me.

I am not in anyway a meek individual i am tough and often have to step back and calm my emotions when handling hairy situations because my nastiness will kick up.

i just dont' get it overall. any ideas? what do you guys do? see anything about any of this that I dont'??

oh and difficult child is back to my throat hurts also. and cutting down her food. I'm lick WTF.

I am still searching on a therapist for me. husband and i found one that we booked an appointment for after xmas because right now we simply do not have the time. I can go yet he can't get out of work for it and two nights he's around his kids are here.

 

[TerryJ2]

You have to put your money where your mouth is. If ex calls at the last min., and husband knew about it, then HE has to deal with-the kids. Make yourself disappear. If ex calls at the last min. and no one knew about it, you AND the kids disappear. (Don't go to the mall and slip, though.)

My husband used to be late for everything. He would overcommit and everyone would be mad at him. You can't be at 6 places at once. I went to a marriage counselor and she said to just not be there. Only wait a certain amt of time. I told her I had done that and he didn't care. She said I had to do something with-more teeth. So I moved out. (Yes, I moved back in, but it took 6-mo's to train husband, if you Know what I mean?.)

I don't know what you can do, short of moving out. But you have to do something. DO can mean not answer the door, not answer the phone, not answer texts, or it can mean take the kids out to dinner and just be unavailable. No apologies. It's YOUR life.
Don't be mad ... but somehow in your notes, I see people telling you to jump, and you ask "how high?" Know what I mean??

You don't have to apologize. In fact, that will make it worse. Be firm, and keep your voice well modulated, even almost happy. "Oh, tonight? We have plans. The kids would love to see you another time when we have more notice, though. Is Wed. or Thurs. better for you?"

Practice in front of a mirror. You're going to feel like an idiot at first but it works.

Go, Warrior Mom!!!

 

[Mattsmom277]

I'm not the best person for advice, I can only speak for what I've done in kind of sort of similar situations and what I'd resort to for my own sake if I were in your shoes.

Re: husband's ex, the last minute adjustments etc . I'd personally opt out of the game. I'd kindly but firmly one last time assert that given the fact my previous requests for notice haven't worked out, you want both husband and his ex to know that 1) You will no longer agree to run for the kids schedule if it is something known ahead of time but not informed you of ahead of time. In other words, if something comes up uenxpectedly you will still do your best. But if something is scheduled and not relayed to you until last minute, they are wasting their time asking you to do what they'd like because you are standing firm on the fact it is disrespectful of you, your time, etc. I'd also be loving and kind about saying it, yet firm, with husband that you mean what you said first and foremost. And secondly, that it is hindering your relationship for his only 2 days off to have no schedule. It hurts abilities to make proper family plans and couple plans and it is disrespectful. i would say that if its a unexpected thing, its just fine. But if he fails to let you know the schedule ahead and that requires you to change your plans with him etc because you weren't alerted, you will simply be no longer scheduling or planning things together, you will just make your own plans and do your own thing and factor husband in if he happens to be available. It seems fair, and realistically in a relationship communication works 2 ways. He should be working with you on this.

As for your mom walking all over you, gosh i've been there done that. i would simply start making you own plans for things and if she opts in great, if she doesn't well its something she'll learn to live with or learn to work with you on. I am a believer that guilt traps us. We have no need to feel guilty for not being walked on. And yet many people don't "hear" us when we defend our stance. This could apply in your life to your mother and the kids, spouse, exs etc. So if you know communication alone from you won't change something, I say let go of expecting or hoping that they will change. Implement your own change. Stand firm on things and with no apologies for doing so either. With the kids, return to basics : Do to Get. No more negitating, communicating, requesting, making bargains, pleading, the list of things so many of us try. Let them have their noses out of joint, their problem not yours. If they do x, you'll do Z. Otherwise, too bad so sad!

No idea about the eating though

 

[Jena]

see those makes sense to me..... yet terry reality is difficult child is here. she adores step kids. so pulling her out in 20 degree weather not an option. Can';t leave suicidal easy child home now alone so she wont' leave house. if i stand my ground and say i'm not going tonight difficult child will throw a fit stating how she wants to go tonight and it'll only hurt her if we dont go. so yea i could stand my ground with-husband and say well you go do your kids junk. and i did say that i wil never cart them to their things he does. his ex says jump he says how high? it truly is his fault that he doesn't state to her listen i have a life let me know days in advance what the kid deal is days i'm off. it screws difficult child up too with her routine and schedule.

i need therapy sooo badly LOL> OMG. i'm beginning to think of the oprah line your life is sending you a message you just arent' open to hearing it. mine's saying gEt the hell out now!! LOL

 

[TerryJ2]

the oprah line your life is sending you a message you just arent' open to hearing it. mine's saying gEt the hell out now!! LOL

I'll be right there with you! (That exotic island will get crowded with-all of us.)

So, definitely focus on a therapy appointment. Did you say you have the appointment for after the New Year? If not, dial it right now.
And you don't have to go with-husband. Just do it.
Although it sounds like he needs it more than you do ... gotta make some executive decisions ...

Then figure out what to do about easy child. You can't be held hostage like that. Doesn't sound like she's improving. Can you give me a link to a thread about her?

 

[Jena]

today is easy child's first day on zoloft. she just had a meltdown a few minutes ago, yet i think she'll be workable just released alot of junk. yes i need it to help clarify for me how to handle others in my life. I can handle ME just fine. I know exactly what I need my books, meditation, my green tea, bubble baths, walks with dog and i do it all. Yet somewhere along the way i lost my pair of BALLS LOL. i gotta get them back.

i did it! i just told husband that i will not be going tonight easy child is naseous with new medication, and difficult child will just have to stay with-us that i can no longer handle on the fly last minute things with-kids. She does do it to him the ex yet he's so accustomed to it and these are his days in all honesty. yet he's gotta learn to speak up and say i need advanced schedules it's that simple. so he's gotta find his pair also and direct it to where it needs to go.

He was not happy at all when i toldhim. Totally insulted actually and hurt which made him lunge at me a bit. I told him sorry just cant' do it. get advanced schedules from now on so i can plan accordingly. not trying to hurt you yet not jumping today like i normally do is all. so he can go sit at play by himself or with his ex wife. I dont' really care. I already told easy child the 3 of us will watch a movie together tonight. difficult child i'm sure will throw a fit that she cant' go. it's better for her she'll just see kids from school because it's her school obsess come home and cry about them pointing at her and i'll have to handle her the rest of teh night.. difficult child is starting a new medication risperdal tonight also.

 

[Hound dog]

My break through moment was when it actually dawned on me that I couldn't change another person, be it my spouse, my child, my friend, or a stranger. Now that doesn't sound like such a big deal. But you can say it until you're blue in the face, but until it actually sinks in that you honestly cannot change another person's behavior, you haven't quite gotten there yet. I said it for years before it actually hit me for real and the light bulb went on. It wasn't that I hadn't believed that I "got it" before, because I did think so........I just wasn't quite there yet. My emotions, reactions, and actions hadn't caught up with my brain.

That wasn't really an easy moment for me as it was at one of the lowest points in my life. husband was being full blown difficult child. Travis' behavior was off the wall, and Nichole had begun her nosedive. I bawled my eyes out when it honestly hit me. But when I got through the tears, which I think were frustration, a bit of dispair, and anger.......... The light bulb clicked on. I couldn't change them or their behaviors. But I could change myself, my own reactions, MY behavior. And I started working on me. Houserules, boundaries ect stayed in place.........I worked on those other things. It was hard at first because I was surprised at how easy it was to slip right back into old behavior that I knew got no where except me frustrated out of my mind. But humans are creatures of habit, and those habits can be hard to break. It did help that I noticed fairly soon in that the stress was reduced, because there were times I really had to remind myself of that so I would continue to work on myself.

I'm a work in progress. I probably always will be because no one is perfect. But I don't let myself get svcked into the drama, I don't put up with 99 percent of the crud I did years ago. And I am a much calmer, happier person. husband, Nichole and Travis changed because they wanted to change, and sense I didn't play into a lot of it, the pay off wasn't there for them. (like Mom needing a padded room somewhere)

 

[Shari]

well said hound dog.

dr phil's book, self matters, really helped me learn that lesson, too.

 

[DammitJanet]

Lisa, I think you hit the nail on the head. Its more about changing you as the person than changing other people. You have to realize that you let people treat you the way that you get treated. If you stop reacting to how they are treating you, they dont get a pay off. I had to learn ( and this is still a huge work in progress ) that I cannot get sucked into other peoples drama.

In the case of Hubby and his kids and X wife, he needs to figure that one out. They are his kids. His responsibility. No matter if you love them, you are not the mom. He and xwife have to parent those kids and they have to deal with his kids. He should have some individual time with them in my opinion. They should also have some time with your family. I realize the kids take up some of his only off days but that may just have to be. Thats the way it works in step-families quite often. Especially with older kids.

I was particularly lucky with integrating my first child into my new family because he was so young when I met Tony. He didnt really know his bio father and his bio was never in his life. He just accepted Tony as the father figure from from day one. Plus Tony didnt deal with him as anything other than his first son. As far as he is concerned he has 3 boys.

 

[janebrain]

The others have it right--you really have to realize that you cannot change others and actually, once you do, the burden off your own shoulders is so wonderful! When you stop trying to control what others do, think, feel, etc., there is a tremendous sense of freedom. You aren't responsible for their actions, reactions, and feelings! They need to own those, you need to give up control. Giving up the need to control others is a wonderful feeling!

So, once you have a lightbulb moment like Hound did and like I did, you will find you feel calmer, happier, and actually more in control of your own life.

Hugs,
Jane

 

[Jena]

hi

yup you are all right, i gotta have a oprah ah ha moment i guess myself........ things i can change or work on is difficult child and easy child to help them. husband well he needs his own help right now, and has an evaluation set up for himself. he's been a difficult child i think since day one. yet he masquerades as a sweet nice hard working guy yet at times he goes off the deep end during arguments and really has zero ability to do conflict resolution....... skills are minimal. sleeps also a problem for him he' either over sleeps on days off and cant' sleep during week when working.

so he's waiting on his and hopefully some answers will come from that for him. i know i gotta learn to accept my mom for who she is, and stop expecting more from her or things from her that i would hands down do for my own kids someday when i'm hopefully a grandma. her and i are very very different ppl and diff parents. she tends to be very self absorbed and self serving

k gotta run difficult child to refeeding therapy tutors just left...... put refeeding back in place cause she's spitting food out now again....... ahh joys of motherhood thanks so much for taking the time all of you you really are great

 

[Hound dog]

Wow. Refeeding is a therapy? Be darned. I thought it was just a determined Mom that her kid was going to eat.

Imagine. Perhaps Moms should be brainstorming with psychiatrists and tdocs on new therapies that work bases on experience. Hmm. Actually that wouldn't be such a bad idea. lol

 

[Jena]

LOL i agree, it seems like collectively we have all the answers anyway!! What the hell are we running to them for?? ahhh that's right scripts we just can't write them. If only one of us was a pysch doctor we'd have it made. yes they can give a name to anything "refeeding therapist" a.k.a. speech pathologist............. gotta love the mental health world.

and by the way ran to the library today to get that dr. phil book!!!