Welcome JulieAnn. I feel all your words because I have lived them too. When I first came here I couldn't even imagine disengaging from my daughter......and now I have.
Here is my advice to you. Put your son aside for now, he is obviously making it in the west......and put all and I mean all your efforts into you. Find a therapist, a counselor, a program, a group, someplace you can go for support to learn how to disengage. This does not come naturally nor is it easy. When our kids go off the rails, we are spring loaded to do whatever we can to help. But after awhile, especially when our kids are in their 30's like your son, or in their 40's like my daughter.....there comes a time when we need to let go. I don't mean we don't love them, I mean we stop taking care of them.
If you haven't already, read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. It's helpful.
When I made that choice to take care of me and focus on me, everything began to change. It is a process and it takes time, but in time you begin to learn how to make different choices where your son is concerned, how to set the boundaries necessary for your well being and how to step back and feel okay and in fact, positive about your choices.
Most of us here need help to make these changes. We need that continual support to make lasting changes to step out of the powerlessness of situations we can't control. The suffering is caused by us continuing to struggle against what is. The relief comes when we accept what is. In between that struggle and that relief is a big area of learning.......and we usually need support in getting from point A to point B.
Be kind to yourself. Get as much support as you can. Keep posting. Read books. There's another thread here on the PE forum about books we've read, check them out, they help. I'm glad you decided to join us. It's a big step to express yourself here, and a very positive step in your willingness to make the changes necessary for you to have the joy and the peace you deserve. I'm glad you're here.
