Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
How to know? disengage or help?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 657404" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi JulieAnn and welcome to the forum. You will find a lot of good thinking and specific ways and practices to reclaim your life here.</p><p></p><p>We do understand. My son is now nearly 26 and the past seven+ years have been really really hard. Right now, for almost a year now, he has made steady progress forward. </p><p></p><p>How much of that is because I and my ex-husband (his dad) have been increasingly able to let go of him? I will never know but I suspect it is one contributing factor to his improvement. </p><p></p><p>I also think he was "scared straight" by a public defender who felt strongly my son was going to jail/prison for four years last June and told him so. My son told me he lay awake all night long the night before court thinking about that. That didn't happen, in fact they let him go that same day. Since then he has not been arrested (after many arrests, misdemeanors, breaking probation, and two felonies over the past years) once and he has worked, paid nearly all of his bills himself, is sweet and kind, asks for very little from us, and has applied to go back to school in the fall under a state program that may pay for it.</p><p></p><p>And I also believe his age is a positive factor in his case. He appears to be finally starting to grow up and he is way behind other 26 year olds in this capacity. </p><p></p><p>Has the road back been pretty and all good? No. It is bumpy and confusing and scary to watch still, but I have worked really really hard to adjust my expectations to as close to zero as I can. It has and still does take tremendous work on my part to just. let. go.</p><p></p><p>To live my own life, offer support, love and encouragement, but to maintain good physical and emotional boundaries from him and his life.</p><p></p><p>I don't need to know all about his daily business. I don't need to approve/disapprove of his girlfriend (who stabbed him last summer) and lives with him now. I don't need to ask whether he is using birth control or not (same girlfriend had a miscarriage a few months back). I don't need to ask why he hasn't applied for better jobs (our area is booming and he could make more money other places right now). This is none of my business. </p><p></p><p>You ask about guilt. Intellectually you may realize that you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it (Al-Anon calls these the Three Cs), but what about your feelings? You feel guilty. If only....Maybe if I had...what if....all of those 1000s of decisions you made for him and about him when he was growing up. JulieAnn, I imagine you did the best you could. It wasn't perfect but you gave it all you had. Most of us did and still do. Mothers and sons are the toughest possible combination, my husband says (who has worked with many parents and their drug-addicted or alcoholic offspring). </p><p></p><p>Guilt is just a feeling. That's all it is. And JulieAnn, we also learn in Al-Anon that....feelings aren't facts. Study on that for a while. I know when I heard it for the first time, I rejected those three words completely and immediately. Well of course my feeling is my feeling, and I know I have it, because I feel it so......it must be true. </p><p></p><p>The way to deal with guilt, I have learned, is to first acknowledge that it's just a feeling. Feel it. Don't push it away. Accept it for what it is. Then....do not act on it. Wait. Most of us, we feel a feeling like guilt or shame or fear, and it's so awful, so overpowering, that we MUST do something, anything, very quickly, so it will stop. So....we take action. We DO SOMETHING. I used to be the best doer for four states around (lol). You couldn't outdo me, JulieAnn. I saw a problem, I looked at the possible solutions, picked one, and whambam, I acted. I did something. Took care of it!!! Felt better. Problem solved.</p><p></p><p>Until I met the 40-foot-tall monster called my ex-husband's alcoholism and then my precious son's drug addiction. Doesn't work. And then I had to face myself and start dealing with my own inadequacies---strong me who couldn't fix this one---and that led to a great deal of work and soul-searching and recognition of my own character defects, and then developing tools to work on those and to live a healthier emotional life, which allows other people the dignity and respect to live their own lives, and make their own mistakes without my interference, and learn their own lessons and to grow into adulthood. </p><p></p><p>We have to disconnect our feelings from our actions, and we have to learn what to DO WITH THOSE FEELINGS that are so awful. We have to invite them in for coffee or tea or lunch or a visit, sit with them, feel them, let them flow through us, realize they will not kill us, and then let them go. We have to wait. We have to let time go by before we can quietly, calmly, rationally ask ourselves if there is any factual basis at all in our feelings, which we have now processed, and then we can see if there is any kind of action that is reasonable to take. I like to use that word reasonable---with myself a lot. Is what I am thinking reasonable? Is what I would like to do reasonable? Often the answer is no. </p><p></p><p>You haven't asked about shame, but they often go hand in hand. Being with other people who talk about their grown children's accomplishments, and we have little to nothing to say. </p><p></p><p>JulieAnn, the first step toward dealing with all of this is...just like our precious adult children...WANTING to deal with it. Realizing there is a better way to live, and then being willing to do the work to get there. </p><p></p><p>It is a daily practice. That is what it takes, to really change, and it takes time. Be patient with yourself. This forum can be a great tool. Use it. </p><p></p><p>We're glad you're here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 657404, member: 17542"] Hi JulieAnn and welcome to the forum. You will find a lot of good thinking and specific ways and practices to reclaim your life here. We do understand. My son is now nearly 26 and the past seven+ years have been really really hard. Right now, for almost a year now, he has made steady progress forward. How much of that is because I and my ex-husband (his dad) have been increasingly able to let go of him? I will never know but I suspect it is one contributing factor to his improvement. I also think he was "scared straight" by a public defender who felt strongly my son was going to jail/prison for four years last June and told him so. My son told me he lay awake all night long the night before court thinking about that. That didn't happen, in fact they let him go that same day. Since then he has not been arrested (after many arrests, misdemeanors, breaking probation, and two felonies over the past years) once and he has worked, paid nearly all of his bills himself, is sweet and kind, asks for very little from us, and has applied to go back to school in the fall under a state program that may pay for it. And I also believe his age is a positive factor in his case. He appears to be finally starting to grow up and he is way behind other 26 year olds in this capacity. Has the road back been pretty and all good? No. It is bumpy and confusing and scary to watch still, but I have worked really really hard to adjust my expectations to as close to zero as I can. It has and still does take tremendous work on my part to just. let. go. To live my own life, offer support, love and encouragement, but to maintain good physical and emotional boundaries from him and his life. I don't need to know all about his daily business. I don't need to approve/disapprove of his girlfriend (who stabbed him last summer) and lives with him now. I don't need to ask whether he is using birth control or not (same girlfriend had a miscarriage a few months back). I don't need to ask why he hasn't applied for better jobs (our area is booming and he could make more money other places right now). This is none of my business. You ask about guilt. Intellectually you may realize that you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it (Al-Anon calls these the Three Cs), but what about your feelings? You feel guilty. If only....Maybe if I had...what if....all of those 1000s of decisions you made for him and about him when he was growing up. JulieAnn, I imagine you did the best you could. It wasn't perfect but you gave it all you had. Most of us did and still do. Mothers and sons are the toughest possible combination, my husband says (who has worked with many parents and their drug-addicted or alcoholic offspring). Guilt is just a feeling. That's all it is. And JulieAnn, we also learn in Al-Anon that....feelings aren't facts. Study on that for a while. I know when I heard it for the first time, I rejected those three words completely and immediately. Well of course my feeling is my feeling, and I know I have it, because I feel it so......it must be true. The way to deal with guilt, I have learned, is to first acknowledge that it's just a feeling. Feel it. Don't push it away. Accept it for what it is. Then....do not act on it. Wait. Most of us, we feel a feeling like guilt or shame or fear, and it's so awful, so overpowering, that we MUST do something, anything, very quickly, so it will stop. So....we take action. We DO SOMETHING. I used to be the best doer for four states around (lol). You couldn't outdo me, JulieAnn. I saw a problem, I looked at the possible solutions, picked one, and whambam, I acted. I did something. Took care of it!!! Felt better. Problem solved. Until I met the 40-foot-tall monster called my ex-husband's alcoholism and then my precious son's drug addiction. Doesn't work. And then I had to face myself and start dealing with my own inadequacies---strong me who couldn't fix this one---and that led to a great deal of work and soul-searching and recognition of my own character defects, and then developing tools to work on those and to live a healthier emotional life, which allows other people the dignity and respect to live their own lives, and make their own mistakes without my interference, and learn their own lessons and to grow into adulthood. We have to disconnect our feelings from our actions, and we have to learn what to DO WITH THOSE FEELINGS that are so awful. We have to invite them in for coffee or tea or lunch or a visit, sit with them, feel them, let them flow through us, realize they will not kill us, and then let them go. We have to wait. We have to let time go by before we can quietly, calmly, rationally ask ourselves if there is any factual basis at all in our feelings, which we have now processed, and then we can see if there is any kind of action that is reasonable to take. I like to use that word reasonable---with myself a lot. Is what I am thinking reasonable? Is what I would like to do reasonable? Often the answer is no. You haven't asked about shame, but they often go hand in hand. Being with other people who talk about their grown children's accomplishments, and we have little to nothing to say. JulieAnn, the first step toward dealing with all of this is...just like our precious adult children...WANTING to deal with it. Realizing there is a better way to live, and then being willing to do the work to get there. It is a daily practice. That is what it takes, to really change, and it takes time. Be patient with yourself. This forum can be a great tool. Use it. We're glad you're here. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
How to know? disengage or help?
Top