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Substance Abuse
How to stop enabling my herion addict son!
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 543529"><p>Oh PAM .... I too feel your pain and terror... and I too know the terror... the absolute fear that your child will end up overdosing and die. It is a horrible feeling! I am glad you found us and I hope you keep reading and posting because we are a group that truly understand.</p><p></p><p>Stop beating yourself up for enabling your son..... I believe learning not to enable is a process... and figuring out the line between helping and enabling can be hard to do... especially as parents because our role has always been to take care of and protect our kids.</p><p></p><p>I don't think any of us can tell each other where the enable/not enable line is because it is different for all of us. A lot depends on our own boundaries and a lot depends on the kid and their issues. What we can do is share our own process with you.</p><p></p><p>So my son is also 20. He has been into drugs of various kinds since about the age of 12 or 13 (I think). We have had a roller coaster ride of various treatment centers. With each one I had hope and then disappointment and he would relapse. We have done different forms of enabling over the years... we did kick him out of our house when he was 18... because i felt that his flagrant violation of all of our rules was not the way to live nor was it the lesson I wanted him to learn. Reality is you cant get along in life if you violate all the rules. So he has been arrested several times, spent two weeks in jail. He has been to rehab several times.. then gone to sober houses and been kicked out of several of them. Honestly it is kind of ridiculous.</p><p></p><p>The enabling line for me is that if he truly wants help then I will fight as hard as I can to get him help.... if he doesnt then I will not do anything to support his drug use. And we have gone up and down on this... I have fought hard to get him help several times, and he has blown it off several times. BUT I have also let him be homeless imbetween several times. I won't let him come back and live at home. Main reason is I have a 17 year old daughter who is doing great and does not need to have his chaos mess her up too. But like PG said... it was a jolt to realize that I now enjoy spending time at home. I mean I really like being home!! There have been many times when going to work was a total relief from my home life!</p><p></p><p>So the good news is my son is now at a tx place that seems to really get him and his issues. He certainly has substance abuse issues but also has some other mental health issues and they are working on those too.... and not kicking him out for some of his bad behavior... so at the moment I am hopeful again but I also fully and completely realize the story is far from over.</p><p></p><p>I also recommend finding some kind of support group.... I go to a parents alanon group that is wonderful and has truly been a life saver for me (along with this board). It really does help to talk to other parents who really understand.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 543529"] Oh PAM .... I too feel your pain and terror... and I too know the terror... the absolute fear that your child will end up overdosing and die. It is a horrible feeling! I am glad you found us and I hope you keep reading and posting because we are a group that truly understand. Stop beating yourself up for enabling your son..... I believe learning not to enable is a process... and figuring out the line between helping and enabling can be hard to do... especially as parents because our role has always been to take care of and protect our kids. I don't think any of us can tell each other where the enable/not enable line is because it is different for all of us. A lot depends on our own boundaries and a lot depends on the kid and their issues. What we can do is share our own process with you. So my son is also 20. He has been into drugs of various kinds since about the age of 12 or 13 (I think). We have had a roller coaster ride of various treatment centers. With each one I had hope and then disappointment and he would relapse. We have done different forms of enabling over the years... we did kick him out of our house when he was 18... because i felt that his flagrant violation of all of our rules was not the way to live nor was it the lesson I wanted him to learn. Reality is you cant get along in life if you violate all the rules. So he has been arrested several times, spent two weeks in jail. He has been to rehab several times.. then gone to sober houses and been kicked out of several of them. Honestly it is kind of ridiculous. The enabling line for me is that if he truly wants help then I will fight as hard as I can to get him help.... if he doesnt then I will not do anything to support his drug use. And we have gone up and down on this... I have fought hard to get him help several times, and he has blown it off several times. BUT I have also let him be homeless imbetween several times. I won't let him come back and live at home. Main reason is I have a 17 year old daughter who is doing great and does not need to have his chaos mess her up too. But like PG said... it was a jolt to realize that I now enjoy spending time at home. I mean I really like being home!! There have been many times when going to work was a total relief from my home life! So the good news is my son is now at a tx place that seems to really get him and his issues. He certainly has substance abuse issues but also has some other mental health issues and they are working on those too.... and not kicking him out for some of his bad behavior... so at the moment I am hopeful again but I also fully and completely realize the story is far from over. I also recommend finding some kind of support group.... I go to a parents alanon group that is wonderful and has truly been a life saver for me (along with this board). It really does help to talk to other parents who really understand. TL [/QUOTE]
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