Well, people. I just posted on RE's new thread, about our power being in how we respond and realized I needed more coaching. I am not exactly sure why what I did last week, by confronting my supervisors worked so well for me (internally), but it did. (I have described this in RE's new thread or in my first thread on How to Take Control.) After my "talk" with my supervisors I put my nose to the grindstone, finished everything, presented at the meeting, and did well. I did praiseworthy and was praised. But did I finish the week as a front runner? No. I spent the next day undermining myself in front of 2 of the supervisors. And I believe that the trigger was this: One of the men supervisors, when we were alone, late in the day after the meeting, in a joking way, described a personal attribute I have in a disparaging way. He called me "reactive" -- and later changed it to expressive. Adding, how much fun that was--but believe me, in my field "reactive" is not a complement. I am expressive, that is for sure. But it has enhanced my work in my field rather than detracting from it. First problem: I do not see him as having the right to diagnose me at work to my face and I should have said that. I mean either I do my work or I do not, but how he sees my personality, and commenting on it does not seem right. I had said: Oh. It is 5! (There is a 10 minute walk to get out to where M waits in the car for me. That matters to me, that he not sit there. It has been well over 105 degrees.) Remember, they have not given me either keys or an ID. I am completely dependent upon them, to get out. They are uncaring. I care that M, over 60, waits for me in a hot car in the hot sun. I am not indifferent to this. To say, Oh! I have to leave to me should not generate a diagnosis. Not only did I not call him on his disparaging comment but I spent the next workday undoing myself--and giving this person, ways to both think of me as "less than" or vulnerable, and weapons to use against me. Embarrassingly, I was also a tiny bit passive aggressive towards him. I much prefer in your face aggressiveness to the passive type. It seems like I had to build up the tension in myself again, by disclosing stuff, letting stuff hang out about myself, to give them weapons to use against me. Playing right into his diagnosis. Two things come to mind: I was mad that he made that comment, when I reminded him that I was dependent upon him. (But I understand, I could have said this: I need to leave and you need to take me. (instead of acting like a dimwit and saying: OH!! I could have not taken it in--what he said--and just thought less of him. What did I do so wrong? You see, I see this latest thing, and my reaction as the same as last week. Somebody acts badly. And I take responsibility. I spent the next day at work undermining myself in front of this man. And hated myself for it. Feeling vulnerable and exposed. Feeling ashamed because I revealed to much and gave them weapons to use against me, in how they think about me. But it is really how I think about myself. And them. How do I forgive myself? (I can hear Jabber here saying--what did you do wrong--it's them). Well, I may have acted like a ditz. And I revealed too much about a past incident in another prison. I feel vulnerable now. And I did it to myself.