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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 470528" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Malika, your said, </p><p></p><p>It may seem to you that he is choosing to be disrespectful, but he may not have as much control as you think. Try to reflect on any car accident you have ever been involved in (I'm talking the small rear end minor bingles here). Sometimes, about half the time, one or both parties will be acting aggressively, rudely, making accusations and being very disrespectful. It can rapidly escalate. The parties involved are often otherwise decent people who are reacting in the heat of the moment, and where this heat is coming from, in a car accident, is adrenalin. A sudden shock, a bit of mental overload (a lot to cope with and they just snap). And this is from otherwise sane, sensible, decent people. Adults. Not 6 yo difficult children.</p><p>If you questioned these drivers after the event, after they have ranted at the other driver, in almost every case they will justify their behaviour. Or they might say, "I could have been gentler about how I said it, but that guy was a jerk, I said what I said because he was in my face and anyway, he's an idiot driver to do what he did." It is easier to rewrite history than to accept we behaved badly; after the event we tend to justify our actions, often with breathtaking success. Very bad behaviour can too easily be justified. We sometimes even rewrite our memories in order to be able to live with ourselves after the event. "It didn't really happen that way; I was paying attention, he just braked suddenly for no reason. Idiot."</p><p></p><p>Everyone is capable of bad behaviour. Children are more capable of it. Where it comes from - "Suddenly I'm not coping." Your aim - not to prevent this behaviour, because you won't. he's a kid. Your aim is to help him learn, with examples and practice, better ways of handling a situation. The best way to teach him is by example and using a positive approach. The punitive approach does not work on him, we have seen this. He will respond better to modelling, reminding and a loving approach. "I'm not shouting at you; please do not shout at me."</p><p>I also recommend you model for him, how to identify the real problem than find a solution. For example, in this situation he was over-stimulated to begin with, as well as over-tired. He had already been socialising for two hours after school, so there was no need to increase this. Plus with him potentially being less able to cope (due to being overtired) then it would have been a risky choice to let him go ride his bike right then. So well done for that. Good choice, mum. </p><p>Next - he dropped the cards. He was probably feeling a bit tired, a bit stressed because part of him still wanted to go ride his bike (or resented not being allowed to) and then he is faced with (for him) a catastrophe. It suddenly becomes too much. You want him to pick up. He knows it's the routine. But for now - no way, I'm tired. I've had enough. Now, of course this is not acceptable behaviour and you want him to learn to manage better. But if you become the irresistible force to his immovable object, not only do neither of you win, but you actually ramp up his objections.</p><p></p><p>Instead, step in and identify the problem(s). First - he is tired. Second - he dropped the cards. Third - he is cranky and not coping.</p><p>Now to the solutions. First - go easy on him, help him. Second - show him by working with him, how to pick up the cards cheerfully. This will also help with problem (3). Next, if/when he is calm, talk to him about how he is feeling. Let him know you understand he is tired, but it is not good to shout at people just because you are tired or something went wrong. You did not drop the cards. he did not drop them on purpose. Yet you are helping him happily, because he needed a little help and you love him and want to help. You should not shout at the people who love you, it is not kind.</p><p></p><p>Too often our little kid learn the blame game really, really fast. Some kids, especially the more reactive ones, will then react with anger and blaming others, before blame can be laid at their door. This comes back to the car accident scenario again - think about people you know and how they react. A punitive approach to discipline actually increases the blame component. </p><p></p><p>Two sentences to teach him and to use often yourself, as appropriate. </p><p></p><p>1) "It's not always about blame, sometimes it just has to be tidied up."</p><p></p><p>2) Sometimes bad things happen to good people for no reason, and we have to deal with it."</p><p></p><p>You made some good choices in this. I recommend more and more however, that you teach him to work with you. It teaches him cooperation, it teaches him consideration, it also helps de-fuse what can seem, to a little kid, to suddenly be an insurmountable task. And that teaches him that no matter how big and overwhelming problem can seem, it does rapidly shrink the faster you deal with it. Just dig in and work at it and the problem will go away.</p><p></p><p>But if you keep trying to make him handle it all on his own, he will rapidly learn as many avoidance tactics as his little mind can invent. Kids are good at avoidance. We are good at teaching them. Not just parents; teachers too, other adults in our kids' lives. Classic avoidance tactics are - "It's too big. I can't handle it alone." "I'll do it later, it won't take long." "I shouldn't have to do this - it's not my responsibility!" "It was not my fault, so someone else must be to blame. Find them and make them do it."</p><p></p><p>It can be breathtaking, just how much energy we put in to trying to avoid doing a task, which would have taken less energy and less time to deal with properly ourselves. Sadly, it is a skill our kids learn all too soon. To unlearn this, we need to first show them the right way to handle things. And this requires soul-searching and personal honesty. You must be vigilant to ensure you yourself are not making the same mistakes you want to correct in your child, because with difficult children you can not go down the "do as I say, not as I do" road.</p><p></p><p>What I'm trying to say - you did the right things. And those are the reasons.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 470528, member: 1991"] Malika, your said, It may seem to you that he is choosing to be disrespectful, but he may not have as much control as you think. Try to reflect on any car accident you have ever been involved in (I'm talking the small rear end minor bingles here). Sometimes, about half the time, one or both parties will be acting aggressively, rudely, making accusations and being very disrespectful. It can rapidly escalate. The parties involved are often otherwise decent people who are reacting in the heat of the moment, and where this heat is coming from, in a car accident, is adrenalin. A sudden shock, a bit of mental overload (a lot to cope with and they just snap). And this is from otherwise sane, sensible, decent people. Adults. Not 6 yo difficult children. If you questioned these drivers after the event, after they have ranted at the other driver, in almost every case they will justify their behaviour. Or they might say, "I could have been gentler about how I said it, but that guy was a jerk, I said what I said because he was in my face and anyway, he's an idiot driver to do what he did." It is easier to rewrite history than to accept we behaved badly; after the event we tend to justify our actions, often with breathtaking success. Very bad behaviour can too easily be justified. We sometimes even rewrite our memories in order to be able to live with ourselves after the event. "It didn't really happen that way; I was paying attention, he just braked suddenly for no reason. Idiot." Everyone is capable of bad behaviour. Children are more capable of it. Where it comes from - "Suddenly I'm not coping." Your aim - not to prevent this behaviour, because you won't. he's a kid. Your aim is to help him learn, with examples and practice, better ways of handling a situation. The best way to teach him is by example and using a positive approach. The punitive approach does not work on him, we have seen this. He will respond better to modelling, reminding and a loving approach. "I'm not shouting at you; please do not shout at me." I also recommend you model for him, how to identify the real problem than find a solution. For example, in this situation he was over-stimulated to begin with, as well as over-tired. He had already been socialising for two hours after school, so there was no need to increase this. Plus with him potentially being less able to cope (due to being overtired) then it would have been a risky choice to let him go ride his bike right then. So well done for that. Good choice, mum. Next - he dropped the cards. He was probably feeling a bit tired, a bit stressed because part of him still wanted to go ride his bike (or resented not being allowed to) and then he is faced with (for him) a catastrophe. It suddenly becomes too much. You want him to pick up. He knows it's the routine. But for now - no way, I'm tired. I've had enough. Now, of course this is not acceptable behaviour and you want him to learn to manage better. But if you become the irresistible force to his immovable object, not only do neither of you win, but you actually ramp up his objections. Instead, step in and identify the problem(s). First - he is tired. Second - he dropped the cards. Third - he is cranky and not coping. Now to the solutions. First - go easy on him, help him. Second - show him by working with him, how to pick up the cards cheerfully. This will also help with problem (3). Next, if/when he is calm, talk to him about how he is feeling. Let him know you understand he is tired, but it is not good to shout at people just because you are tired or something went wrong. You did not drop the cards. he did not drop them on purpose. Yet you are helping him happily, because he needed a little help and you love him and want to help. You should not shout at the people who love you, it is not kind. Too often our little kid learn the blame game really, really fast. Some kids, especially the more reactive ones, will then react with anger and blaming others, before blame can be laid at their door. This comes back to the car accident scenario again - think about people you know and how they react. A punitive approach to discipline actually increases the blame component. Two sentences to teach him and to use often yourself, as appropriate. 1) "It's not always about blame, sometimes it just has to be tidied up." 2) Sometimes bad things happen to good people for no reason, and we have to deal with it." You made some good choices in this. I recommend more and more however, that you teach him to work with you. It teaches him cooperation, it teaches him consideration, it also helps de-fuse what can seem, to a little kid, to suddenly be an insurmountable task. And that teaches him that no matter how big and overwhelming problem can seem, it does rapidly shrink the faster you deal with it. Just dig in and work at it and the problem will go away. But if you keep trying to make him handle it all on his own, he will rapidly learn as many avoidance tactics as his little mind can invent. Kids are good at avoidance. We are good at teaching them. Not just parents; teachers too, other adults in our kids' lives. Classic avoidance tactics are - "It's too big. I can't handle it alone." "I'll do it later, it won't take long." "I shouldn't have to do this - it's not my responsibility!" "It was not my fault, so someone else must be to blame. Find them and make them do it." It can be breathtaking, just how much energy we put in to trying to avoid doing a task, which would have taken less energy and less time to deal with properly ourselves. Sadly, it is a skill our kids learn all too soon. To unlearn this, we need to first show them the right way to handle things. And this requires soul-searching and personal honesty. You must be vigilant to ensure you yourself are not making the same mistakes you want to correct in your child, because with difficult children you can not go down the "do as I say, not as I do" road. What I'm trying to say - you did the right things. And those are the reasons. Marg [/QUOTE]
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