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Huge breakthough yesterday
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<blockquote data-quote="KFld" data-source="post: 84046" data-attributes="member: 2442"><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: The_Loan_Ranger</div><div class="ubbcode-body">What this results in is me lecturing him about drinking to much, drinking and driving and not learning from his mistakes. He in turn says, I know, I have to stop drinking all together and then the behavior repeats itself. </p><p></p><p>...again, I gotta ask WHY do you continue to 'mother' him? </p><p></p><p>I am curious however about the therapist having you call him and tell him what you think, when he doesn't know what to think on his own without YOU telling him. She just told you that you can't have a romantic relationship with your child, yet sends you out to tell an already unstable person what you think of him???</p><p></p><p>How does this help anyone? (curious) </p><p></p><p>AND </p><p></p><p>When you're telling him what you think, do you actually expect him at this stage of your marriage to look you in the eye and say ""Gosh Karen everything you said is <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" />." He'd agree with your right now if you told him he was a toad. Tell him something he doesn't already know about himself from your point of view and see how he reacts to that. </p><p></p><p>Snakes shed their skin, but always get new shiney ones. </p><p></p><p>My .02</p><p>(Really am proud of you) </p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p><p></p><p>That is the point of this breakthough, that I just realized I have been mothering him and enabling this behavior, and now I have to learn how to stop. I lectured him hopefully for the last time that morning before I went to counseling and it opened my eyes to what was happening and how he was reacting to it and manipulating me into doing it and what has been making me so angry and annoyed with him for so long. </p><p></p><p>The point of telling him what I learned in counseling is that is what I am going to counseling for. I am trying to figure out what happened to our marriage and why I have stopped wanting to be with him. I needed to let him know that he is the reason I have stopped wanting to be with him is because of his behaviors. I didn't lecture him or tell him what he needs to do about them, just pretty much that it was him, not something being wrong with me, that made me not want to be with him anymore.</p><p></p><p>He can choose to do agree with me that what I'm feeling is valid, or not. That is his choice. He can choose to change his behaviors or not, that is his choice also. The point is that I feel better figuring out what went wrong and that it wasn't my fault and it is a huge step for me to tell him that. I'm always so good at him making me feel like I'm the one who needs to be fixed and that it's my fault he had to go out and have an affair. Well guess what... it wasn't!!!!</p><p></p><p>Not that any part of me believed I caused him to have an affair, but he believed it and maybe he still does, but that is his choice also. </p><p></p><p></p><p>He called about something this morning before he left VT to come back and he sounds all mad again. I didn't buy into it. I didn't ask him why he sounded so mad. I answered his question and told him to have a safe ride home. He's probably mad because he's had a lot of time up there to think this weekend, with nobody else to help him feel better about his choices. </p><p></p><p>This really is just like much of what I went through with my difficult child and I got really good at that. I think this will be easier because I have had lots of practice the past few years :smile:</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p> </div></div></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="KFld, post: 84046, member: 2442"] <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: The_Loan_Ranger</div><div class="ubbcode-body">What this results in is me lecturing him about drinking to much, drinking and driving and not learning from his mistakes. He in turn says, I know, I have to stop drinking all together and then the behavior repeats itself. ...again, I gotta ask WHY do you continue to 'mother' him? I am curious however about the therapist having you call him and tell him what you think, when he doesn't know what to think on his own without YOU telling him. She just told you that you can't have a romantic relationship with your child, yet sends you out to tell an already unstable person what you think of him??? How does this help anyone? (curious) AND When you're telling him what you think, do you actually expect him at this stage of your marriage to look you in the eye and say ""Gosh Karen everything you said is :censored:." He'd agree with your right now if you told him he was a toad. Tell him something he doesn't already know about himself from your point of view and see how he reacts to that. Snakes shed their skin, but always get new shiney ones. My .02 (Really am proud of you) Hugs Star That is the point of this breakthough, that I just realized I have been mothering him and enabling this behavior, and now I have to learn how to stop. I lectured him hopefully for the last time that morning before I went to counseling and it opened my eyes to what was happening and how he was reacting to it and manipulating me into doing it and what has been making me so angry and annoyed with him for so long. The point of telling him what I learned in counseling is that is what I am going to counseling for. I am trying to figure out what happened to our marriage and why I have stopped wanting to be with him. I needed to let him know that he is the reason I have stopped wanting to be with him is because of his behaviors. I didn't lecture him or tell him what he needs to do about them, just pretty much that it was him, not something being wrong with me, that made me not want to be with him anymore. He can choose to do agree with me that what I'm feeling is valid, or not. That is his choice. He can choose to change his behaviors or not, that is his choice also. The point is that I feel better figuring out what went wrong and that it wasn't my fault and it is a huge step for me to tell him that. I'm always so good at him making me feel like I'm the one who needs to be fixed and that it's my fault he had to go out and have an affair. Well guess what... it wasn't!!!! Not that any part of me believed I caused him to have an affair, but he believed it and maybe he still does, but that is his choice also. He called about something this morning before he left VT to come back and he sounds all mad again. I didn't buy into it. I didn't ask him why he sounded so mad. I answered his question and told him to have a safe ride home. He's probably mad because he's had a lot of time up there to think this weekend, with nobody else to help him feel better about his choices. This really is just like much of what I went through with my difficult child and I got really good at that. I think this will be easier because I have had lots of practice the past few years [img]:smile:[/img] </div></div> [/QUOTE]
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Huge breakthough yesterday
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