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Huge mistake. I gave him advice. Wow.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 634985" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>You were scared. You talked out of your fear. That is very often what we do when we are scared---that is completely normal, MWM. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No. He is scared too. On the phone that day, there were two scared people---you and him. Nothing good is going to come from that, especially when one is sick like difficult child is. There is no comforting each other, leaning into the fear, allowing it to be present. </p><p></p><p>Most every single human being hates to be afraid. Some of us, like you, MWM, are learning how to live with our own fear. Some of us, like difficult child, can't tolerate it. They go nuts. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>He was panicked when he called. I think that shows his very humanity, that fear of losing his son. And of course, he called his mom. Isn't that what we do? And then, when mom can't fix it, most of us just cry or lie down and stare or call another friend---all coping mechanisms. difficult children get abusive because they have no coping mechanisms. They haven't learned how to cope with life at all. When life happens, they do what they do. Over and over and over again. Until they "give" and learn a new way of living. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yep. You can't stop his fear. You will only be the scapegoat of it. </p><p></p><p>MWM, you can't fix your grandson's situation with his mother and his father. You can't save him either. We can't save anybody but ourselves and that is a full time job. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, that is the true issue. They have no tools to cope with real life. So when real life happens, they yell and scream and self-medicate and abuse and do what they do. That is their MO. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I won't kick you for being human. You were afraid. You are afraid. Fear is something we ultimately have to lean into, feel it, let it wash over us, sit with it, become friends with it. Doing that takes a lot of its power away. Not all, but a lot. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I firmly believe this. We are anxious and shaky and scared and easily startled and unsettled. The answer is getting away from the source and staying away from the source until we get back on level ground. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Absolutely. Anger = fear not named. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>And sadly, tragically, you cannot fix this, MWM. This is yet something else you have to learn how to live with. And I am so sorry for that. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Keep on sitting on your hands, MWM. Stay away from the source. Don't try to fix this. You will not be able do, and it's a fool's errand. Dig into your toolbox and be kind to yourself. Spend time on your tools today and for the next few weeks. </p><p></p><p>You need to get back to level ground, and you know what to do to get there. And difficult child is not part of that. </p><p></p><p>Warm Hugs for your hurting heart. We are here for you. You know we get it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 634985, member: 17542"] You were scared. You talked out of your fear. That is very often what we do when we are scared---that is completely normal, MWM. No. He is scared too. On the phone that day, there were two scared people---you and him. Nothing good is going to come from that, especially when one is sick like difficult child is. There is no comforting each other, leaning into the fear, allowing it to be present. Most every single human being hates to be afraid. Some of us, like you, MWM, are learning how to live with our own fear. Some of us, like difficult child, can't tolerate it. They go nuts. He was panicked when he called. I think that shows his very humanity, that fear of losing his son. And of course, he called his mom. Isn't that what we do? And then, when mom can't fix it, most of us just cry or lie down and stare or call another friend---all coping mechanisms. difficult children get abusive because they have no coping mechanisms. They haven't learned how to cope with life at all. When life happens, they do what they do. Over and over and over again. Until they "give" and learn a new way of living. Yep. You can't stop his fear. You will only be the scapegoat of it. MWM, you can't fix your grandson's situation with his mother and his father. You can't save him either. We can't save anybody but ourselves and that is a full time job. Yes, that is the true issue. They have no tools to cope with real life. So when real life happens, they yell and scream and self-medicate and abuse and do what they do. That is their MO. I won't kick you for being human. You were afraid. You are afraid. Fear is something we ultimately have to lean into, feel it, let it wash over us, sit with it, become friends with it. Doing that takes a lot of its power away. Not all, but a lot. I firmly believe this. We are anxious and shaky and scared and easily startled and unsettled. The answer is getting away from the source and staying away from the source until we get back on level ground. Absolutely. Anger = fear not named. And sadly, tragically, you cannot fix this, MWM. This is yet something else you have to learn how to live with. And I am so sorry for that. Keep on sitting on your hands, MWM. Stay away from the source. Don't try to fix this. You will not be able do, and it's a fool's errand. Dig into your toolbox and be kind to yourself. Spend time on your tools today and for the next few weeks. You need to get back to level ground, and you know what to do to get there. And difficult child is not part of that. Warm Hugs for your hurting heart. We are here for you. You know we get it. [/QUOTE]
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Huge mistake. I gave him advice. Wow.
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