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Hurt and angry...
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 583077" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>Daze - gentle hugs to you.</p><p></p><p>I have a slightly different take on this. When I visited my difficult child (and most of his placements were well over an hour away - in the lovely Chitown traffic, LOL), I went for *me*, not for him. If he was being a pill, I didn't hesitate to turn around and come home - one visit lasted exactly 8 minutes. But somehow, knowing that I was visiting for <u>myself</u>, that kept me from getting really angry over his gfgness. Of course he's not going to appreciate my driving an hour plus to see him. He just didn't operate that way. I never expected an apology from him, 'cuz it would either never come or (more likely) it would come when he wanted something that he could only get from me. I can't stand insincerity.</p><p></p><p>When he was younger, we did trek up there for family therapy, but as he got older, and after some really nasty sessions that the sibs just didn't need to be a party to, we did most via phone. </p><p></p><p>My advice would be to go see him when *you* want to, with zero expectations of his appreciation, and with the understanding in your own heart that if he's being a PITA, you can leave. The choice is completely yours. Puts you in the driver's seat (ha - a pun), lets you do what you need to do for you, and really takes the power away from difficult child - yes, you'll leave if he's being prickly, but it doesn't need to hurt and anger you if *you* made the choice to trek up there in the first place. </p><p></p><p>I hope this makes sense - I really do understand how disappointed you must be, but (for me anyway) I found that putting a different spin on who was controlling the visits really did make that anger and hurt disappear when my difficult child was being a pain. </p><p></p><p>Again, hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 583077, member: 8"] Daze - gentle hugs to you. I have a slightly different take on this. When I visited my difficult child (and most of his placements were well over an hour away - in the lovely Chitown traffic, LOL), I went for *me*, not for him. If he was being a pill, I didn't hesitate to turn around and come home - one visit lasted exactly 8 minutes. But somehow, knowing that I was visiting for [U]myself[/U], that kept me from getting really angry over his gfgness. Of course he's not going to appreciate my driving an hour plus to see him. He just didn't operate that way. I never expected an apology from him, 'cuz it would either never come or (more likely) it would come when he wanted something that he could only get from me. I can't stand insincerity. When he was younger, we did trek up there for family therapy, but as he got older, and after some really nasty sessions that the sibs just didn't need to be a party to, we did most via phone. My advice would be to go see him when *you* want to, with zero expectations of his appreciation, and with the understanding in your own heart that if he's being a PITA, you can leave. The choice is completely yours. Puts you in the driver's seat (ha - a pun), lets you do what you need to do for you, and really takes the power away from difficult child - yes, you'll leave if he's being prickly, but it doesn't need to hurt and anger you if *you* made the choice to trek up there in the first place. I hope this makes sense - I really do understand how disappointed you must be, but (for me anyway) I found that putting a different spin on who was controlling the visits really did make that anger and hurt disappear when my difficult child was being a pain. Again, hugs. [/QUOTE]
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