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Hurting other kids-- It Happened Again!
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<blockquote data-quote="EB67" data-source="post: 56145" data-attributes="member: 3750"><p>I am so grateful for your responses to this. I've said it before but I could say it a thousand times. I am so grateful to be able to turn to you wonderful, sympathetic, informed women who have walked in my shoes. Your advice and consollation is truly saving me. I appreciate it.</p><p></p><p>Here are some responses and replies:</p><p></p><p>Jannie said:<em> "Have you worked with him on anger management strategies? We practiced breathing exercises...we used stress balls..."</em></p><p></p><p>I haven't but I'd like to. Can you (or anyone) talk about such techniques: how to learn about them, how to use them, when to use them?</p><p></p><p>Alisonglg asked: <em>"What does Seb's psychiatrist have to say about this behavior?"</em></p><p></p><p>Seb's peer aggression is a fairly new issue and has exploded since our last visit. In the past he has had the odd "accident" when frustrated, but now it seems to be happening frequently. On his records there is no history of peer problems and in fact this was the one part of the puzzle that never really fit him until now. But oddly each and every "accident" has happened when Seb has been off medications for whatever reason.</p><p></p><p>We have an appointment with the behavioral neuro on July 12. I did talk to him on the phone yesterday though and he said that by all means, he should be on the Daytrana and it will either help or not help with the impusivity. We will discuss what other medications to add to the mix at our next meeting.</p><p></p><p>The behavioral neuro also has been pondeing Early Onset Bi-Polar (EOBP) and keeping it in mind but says he does not feel that Seb can be diagnosis'd with it presently.</p><p></p><p>SRL said: <em>With my difficult child I have found the need to tie aggressive behavior to something he can understand in his world. He doesn't often catch the cause/effect/reasoning of mom is going to dole out a consequence because I've hurt someone because he rarely feels remorseful--he feels justified. He grasps it much better when he can see a relationship: mom takes away the Nintendo because the majority of the games are fighting games and if I can't handle my anger/aggression in real life than I'm not going to get to have this stuff on the screen.</em></p><p></p><p>I feel the same way. Which is why we took away his DS altogether. As for his gamecube, we took away all fighting games. We allowed him to keep things like snowboarding games and race car games, but nothing that involves battles or conforntations.</p><p></p><p>The thing about Seb is that he DOES feel remorseful, which seems to be significant to his doctors. Still, until his conduct improves he cannot have any games that simulate violence.</p><p></p><p>And SRL, if you can suggest some anger managemnet books for kids I'd so appreciate it. I found Seb googling ADHD resources the other day and reading about different management techniques for impulsive behavior.</p><p></p><p>Midwestmom said: <em>Whether or not he has ADHD or more, imagine how it will be if he's older and is still hurting kids. I do think that he could use a re-evaluation. Second and third opinions were needed for us to get my son's diagnosis and treatment right."</em></p><p></p><p>I agree 100%. I am DESPERATE to have Seb re-evaluated by another doctor. His behavioral neuro is fantastic-- top of his field, published seminal books on the subject of syndrome mix... but I want the opinion of a neuro psychiatric and or psychiatrist too.</p><p>I firmly believe in my heart that Seb is Cyclothymic.</p><p></p><p>My problem is my husband who barely tolerates the frequent visits with the BN and barely accepts that there is a problem with Seb. Around here the appointments are around $500 and none of the doctors take insurance. husband thinks I over-pathologize Seb. Even now after these incidents he waves it off as: "This is what 7 year old boys do". NO. This is not what 7 year old boys do. And because I made "the feminine mistake" (another topic alotogether) and because Mister Big holds the purse strings, my hands are tied where it concerns Seb's care. This is eroding away our marriage.</p><p></p><p>Kris asked: <em>i agree with-SRL. where is his responsibility in all this? where are his consequences? it's all well & good to say he has no impulse control, but how are you teaching him to gain control? </em></p><p></p><p>This is where I struggle to understand and to make the right parenting choices. I agree that Seb needs to be responsible and I try to make him accountable for his infractions (apologies, letters, loss of privledges...) The books and doctors tell me that it's not his fault that he has poor impulse control yet I force him to be accountable just the same. I know as a human that he has to take responsibility and gain control, I just can't figure out how to make it happen!!! I am struggling to! Believe me! How on earth can I teach him what to do next time when to him there is no next time????</p><p></p><p>If someone has the magic answer to this one, please, tell me. I'm desperate.</p><p></p><p>Oh and Kris, I like the physical task like moving logs. I'll try that.</p><p></p><p>Kris also asked: <em>"i see in your profile that there are mood stabilization issues for difficult child. have you & psychiatrist ever discussed the use of an antipsychotic to try & curb this tendency toward violence? maybe it's time to trial a mood stabilizer?"</em></p><p></p><p>The docor said last time that he wanted to see if Seb's mood regulation improved by our next meeting (July 12). If not, he wants to start to add Depakote. husband is violently opposed. The man has his head firmly up his you know what where it concerns his "perfect" little son. Medication terrifies him.</p><p></p><p>Big Bad Kitty wrote: <em>In short, I realized that Tink knew what she was doing, and was playing the sympathy card with me.</em></p><p></p><p>Yes, husband says that Seb plays me with the "I hate myself, I'm the worst person" sympathy card. Still, yes, it does get to me. I must be a sucker.</p><p></p><p>LittleDude's Mom said: <em>don't think you should "fear" that there is something else terribly wrong with difficult child (although there could be comorbid diagnosis). This type of acting out/anger towards others, can go hand in hand with a highly impulsive kid (my difficult child's diagnosis was adhd-highly impulisive type). They react before they think it through. Afterwards, they know they were wrong, they know they acted inappropriately and they show remorse. That's a good thing. Kids that don't show remorse are another thing altogether.</em></p><p></p><p>This is EXACTLY what Seb's doctor says. While he is holding onto the "is it BiPolar (BP)?" card, he feels that the fact that Seb is ALWAYS remorseful suggests that the confrontations are due to his extreme impulsivity. Seb's "attacks" are reactive always, never pre-emptive. It doesn't make them okay. But the dr. feels that they lack the meaness associated with other diagnoses.</p><p></p><p>Little Dude's Mom, I am encouraged by your words. You also wrote: <em> Make sure, not matter how tough the day or how wrong his behavior, that he knows before he closes his eyes that mom loves him and is glad that he is her son. It goes a really, really, really long way. I speak from personal experience.</em></p><p></p><p>I do this every day. To a fault if possible. Last night before he drifted off to sleep I held him and told him I loved him. He sat up, looked me squarely in the eyes and said: "I believe that you do. You understand me. I love you". So sad and sweet at the same time.</p><p></p><p>Argh, I need to go p/u Milo. I will reply to the other replies when I can get back online.</p><p></p><p>Again, you have been so helpful, I cannot express my gratitude enough.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="EB67, post: 56145, member: 3750"] I am so grateful for your responses to this. I've said it before but I could say it a thousand times. I am so grateful to be able to turn to you wonderful, sympathetic, informed women who have walked in my shoes. Your advice and consollation is truly saving me. I appreciate it. Here are some responses and replies: Jannie said:[i] "Have you worked with him on anger management strategies? We practiced breathing exercises...we used stress balls..."[/i] I haven't but I'd like to. Can you (or anyone) talk about such techniques: how to learn about them, how to use them, when to use them? Alisonglg asked: [i]"What does Seb's psychiatrist have to say about this behavior?"[/i] Seb's peer aggression is a fairly new issue and has exploded since our last visit. In the past he has had the odd "accident" when frustrated, but now it seems to be happening frequently. On his records there is no history of peer problems and in fact this was the one part of the puzzle that never really fit him until now. But oddly each and every "accident" has happened when Seb has been off medications for whatever reason. We have an appointment with the behavioral neuro on July 12. I did talk to him on the phone yesterday though and he said that by all means, he should be on the Daytrana and it will either help or not help with the impusivity. We will discuss what other medications to add to the mix at our next meeting. The behavioral neuro also has been pondeing Early Onset Bi-Polar (EOBP) and keeping it in mind but says he does not feel that Seb can be diagnosis'd with it presently. SRL said: [i]With my difficult child I have found the need to tie aggressive behavior to something he can understand in his world. He doesn't often catch the cause/effect/reasoning of mom is going to dole out a consequence because I've hurt someone because he rarely feels remorseful--he feels justified. He grasps it much better when he can see a relationship: mom takes away the Nintendo because the majority of the games are fighting games and if I can't handle my anger/aggression in real life than I'm not going to get to have this stuff on the screen.[/i] I feel the same way. Which is why we took away his DS altogether. As for his gamecube, we took away all fighting games. We allowed him to keep things like snowboarding games and race car games, but nothing that involves battles or conforntations. The thing about Seb is that he DOES feel remorseful, which seems to be significant to his doctors. Still, until his conduct improves he cannot have any games that simulate violence. And SRL, if you can suggest some anger managemnet books for kids I'd so appreciate it. I found Seb googling ADHD resources the other day and reading about different management techniques for impulsive behavior. Midwestmom said: [i]Whether or not he has ADHD or more, imagine how it will be if he's older and is still hurting kids. I do think that he could use a re-evaluation. Second and third opinions were needed for us to get my son's diagnosis and treatment right."[/i] I agree 100%. I am DESPERATE to have Seb re-evaluated by another doctor. His behavioral neuro is fantastic-- top of his field, published seminal books on the subject of syndrome mix... but I want the opinion of a neuro psychiatric and or psychiatrist too. I firmly believe in my heart that Seb is Cyclothymic. My problem is my husband who barely tolerates the frequent visits with the BN and barely accepts that there is a problem with Seb. Around here the appointments are around $500 and none of the doctors take insurance. husband thinks I over-pathologize Seb. Even now after these incidents he waves it off as: "This is what 7 year old boys do". NO. This is not what 7 year old boys do. And because I made "the feminine mistake" (another topic alotogether) and because Mister Big holds the purse strings, my hands are tied where it concerns Seb's care. This is eroding away our marriage. Kris asked: [i]i agree with-SRL. where is his responsibility in all this? where are his consequences? it's all well & good to say he has no impulse control, but how are you teaching him to gain control? [/i] This is where I struggle to understand and to make the right parenting choices. I agree that Seb needs to be responsible and I try to make him accountable for his infractions (apologies, letters, loss of privledges...) The books and doctors tell me that it's not his fault that he has poor impulse control yet I force him to be accountable just the same. I know as a human that he has to take responsibility and gain control, I just can't figure out how to make it happen!!! I am struggling to! Believe me! How on earth can I teach him what to do next time when to him there is no next time???? If someone has the magic answer to this one, please, tell me. I'm desperate. Oh and Kris, I like the physical task like moving logs. I'll try that. Kris also asked: [i]"i see in your profile that there are mood stabilization issues for difficult child. have you & psychiatrist ever discussed the use of an antipsychotic to try & curb this tendency toward violence? maybe it's time to trial a mood stabilizer?"[/i] The docor said last time that he wanted to see if Seb's mood regulation improved by our next meeting (July 12). If not, he wants to start to add Depakote. husband is violently opposed. The man has his head firmly up his you know what where it concerns his "perfect" little son. Medication terrifies him. Big Bad Kitty wrote: [i]In short, I realized that Tink knew what she was doing, and was playing the sympathy card with me.[/i] Yes, husband says that Seb plays me with the "I hate myself, I'm the worst person" sympathy card. Still, yes, it does get to me. I must be a sucker. LittleDude's Mom said: [i]don't think you should "fear" that there is something else terribly wrong with difficult child (although there could be comorbid diagnosis). This type of acting out/anger towards others, can go hand in hand with a highly impulsive kid (my difficult child's diagnosis was adhd-highly impulisive type). They react before they think it through. Afterwards, they know they were wrong, they know they acted inappropriately and they show remorse. That's a good thing. Kids that don't show remorse are another thing altogether.[/i] This is EXACTLY what Seb's doctor says. While he is holding onto the "is it BiPolar (BP)?" card, he feels that the fact that Seb is ALWAYS remorseful suggests that the confrontations are due to his extreme impulsivity. Seb's "attacks" are reactive always, never pre-emptive. It doesn't make them okay. But the dr. feels that they lack the meaness associated with other diagnoses. Little Dude's Mom, I am encouraged by your words. You also wrote: [i] Make sure, not matter how tough the day or how wrong his behavior, that he knows before he closes his eyes that mom loves him and is glad that he is her son. It goes a really, really, really long way. I speak from personal experience.[/i] I do this every day. To a fault if possible. Last night before he drifted off to sleep I held him and told him I loved him. He sat up, looked me squarely in the eyes and said: "I believe that you do. You understand me. I love you". So sad and sweet at the same time. Argh, I need to go p/u Milo. I will reply to the other replies when I can get back online. Again, you have been so helpful, I cannot express my gratitude enough. [/QUOTE]
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