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Hurting other kids-- It Happened Again!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 56408" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Ella, so much of this is so familiar to me. But I'm further down the track. There ARE benefits, if you can pull off some of these other problems. Among those benefits - Seb is a rule follower, even if they're HIS rules which he's worked out for himself. If his personal rules include no drug taking, theft or vandalism, then he won't be the delinquent problem that many other parents face. While he may transgress at times, there will be a reason for it (which makes sense to him) and which will give YOU a key to get through to him and teach him to modify the behaviour in the future.</p><p></p><p>Keep doing what you are doing, at least in terms of talking to Seb and helping him to understand that he IS different, which means he has to work harder at some things, like behaviour. But there is a bonus for him which he can learn to value about himself - the same 'different' brain wiring that makes it hard for Seb to learn social interaction by osmosis is also equipping him academically. His brain will absorb factual information, spatial relationships (I bet he's good with mazes, or understanding how things work) and other 'connectedness' especially when he is presented with it as a whole. He may have difficulty in school in some areas, but if you let him learn in the way he finds easiest, he will discover his own amazing ability to understand and also concentrate on fine detail in his area of special interest. This ability to concentrate on a deep level, on the sort of detail that many others simply can't deal with, will set him apart as a valuable worker/employee/student in years to come, if he learns to value it in himself and direct it into a career path. For example, the ability to see a flaw in a computer program, or a page of text, or a page of mathematical formulae (I'm talking about when he's older). Or to look into an engine and almost intuitively find what's not working. And if husband can see Seb's worth, this may make it easier for him to support him instead of ordering him.</p><p></p><p>Watch him NOW, find what he is good at and encourage him to do more of it. Spread him around his ability range as much as possible, openly value him for it and this will give him a sense of personal worth which he will need, to get through these tough times with other kids being so mean.</p><p></p><p>by the way, these other kids - this is going to get worse, at least until he is in his early teens. The only way to stop it is to either remove him from these kids or to be super-vigilant and also react with information and education for the other kids. This is not always politically correct, but without it problems often continue. With difficult child 3's repeated experiences of being attacked, I finally got fed up, went round to the home of the kid responsible (I am doing this with every new attacker) and talked it out, with the boy's mother present. I basically said I wasn't going to re-hash old stuff but it was all going to stop because I had had enough of difficult child 3 being victimised by some kid with his own chip on the shoulder. "If you're having a bad day, deal with it yourself and don't attack my son, or I will be back here for another talk with your mother," I told the kid. The other kid insisted difficult child 3 had started it (which I knew wasn't true, but the other kid had planned it so there were no witnesses (he thought). So I just said, "No more. If difficult child 3 attacks you, come and tell me. But if you attacked him first, I will know. So from now on, you will be polite and friendly to each other. The past is gone. A fresh start. You don't have to be friends - just no longer enemies. Because I can be a bigger enemy than my son, but we can also be good friends. Your choice."</p><p>Since then, I've praised this other boy when I've seen him play sport well (I was being honest, not searching for something nice to say) and this boy has begun to look out for and protect difficult child 3. basically, the bully was also a victim and was taking his frustrations out on difficult child 3 because 'the system' had taught him that he could get away with it. The school had in its own way encouraged the bullying, by sending a message that difficult child 3, being different, was dangerous, untrustworthy, likely to either lie or not know truth and in some way deserving of being kicked, hit, punished or merely ignored. And while I apologised for difficult child 3, I was endorsing the same view. Once I began standing up for him (reasonably, not being an idiot about "my son can do no wrong") then the problems began to resolve. Some local kids are still mean to difficult child 3 but this is a younger group who haven't yet had to face ME. And when difficult child 3 reports a problem, I first talk to HIM about it, we discuss how he could have handled things better and role-play it.</p><p></p><p>A lot of people these days are astonished when I tell them that difficult child 3 is autistic. But they don't see that we are joined at the hip. I worry every time difficult child 3 goes out for a bike ride, insisting he go on his own. And I worry with good reason - his bike still hasn't been repaired since he rode it into a neighbour's car, while trying to get away from the latest crop of bullies. But difficult child 3 is insisting he be allowed personal space and the chance to make new friends. On our recent holiday difficult child 3 would wander round the resort and chat to other boys, trying to set up a game of sorts or some other activity. We had no problems although I'm fairly sure the other boys realised that difficult child 3 is odd. But kids are more accepting than adults, especially when they are away from their own comfort zones.</p><p></p><p>When difficult child 3 was younger I would write social stories for him. Or a set of rules, worded as plainly as possible but with humour. He reads more than he hears, so what is written reinforces its meaning much better. When he was REALLY young, I would do it with photographs as well. You could do this with your younger son - write the story of a special adventure you've all had, and include photos. Make each child the star of his own story. It doesn't matter if you've pitched the text slightly above his reading ability or apparent comprehension level - because the story is about HIM, each boy will want the story read to him over and over until he memorises it. Then each time he goes over it again, the language you have used will stick in his memory. And if what you've written is positive, encouraging and fun, it will strengthen their own confidence and sense of being loved.</p><p></p><p>It sounds like you will be doing these sort of initiatives on your own - so be it. Tell husband it's a form of scrapbooking, and lots of loving mothers do it for their kids. it will boost their reading skills. But if husband doesn't change (and why should he now? You can't change him anyway) then increasingly, Seb is going to attach to you and resent husband. You need to avoid making this worse (not easy) and when husband complains to you that Seb seems to have an unreasonable hatred for him, you will maybe have an opening then to explain to husband that his parenting style simply is wrong for Seb. That's how it is sometimes - what is effective for some kids is disastrous for others. And of course husband will say, "It's how I was raised, and it didn't do me any harm." And even while you're thinking, 'yeah? check the psychological mirror, big boy,' you can say, "You're not Seb. He's not you. You asked why, I have told you. I can explain how, but only if you want to take it on board. Otherwise we keep going as we are now. And that would be a pity."</p><p></p><p>I hope you get that chance, but it sounds like you probably won't. But in the meantime, there is a lot you can do. A lot of positive stuff. Do fun family project stuff with the boys (at the level Seb can handle, without stressing too much). Learn Seb's tolerance levels, and slowly keep stretching them. Meanwhile, watch your younger son. Involve Seb in helping his little brother. having someone else to care for is a good thing for him. But do this with an understanding of helping Seb learn how to interact appropriately. You have to be his helper, not his jailer, but still be the one maintaining safety and diplomacy.</p><p></p><p>And when the boys are grown - maybe join the rest of us in the queue for a UN job in diplomatic relations!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 56408, member: 1991"] Ella, so much of this is so familiar to me. But I'm further down the track. There ARE benefits, if you can pull off some of these other problems. Among those benefits - Seb is a rule follower, even if they're HIS rules which he's worked out for himself. If his personal rules include no drug taking, theft or vandalism, then he won't be the delinquent problem that many other parents face. While he may transgress at times, there will be a reason for it (which makes sense to him) and which will give YOU a key to get through to him and teach him to modify the behaviour in the future. Keep doing what you are doing, at least in terms of talking to Seb and helping him to understand that he IS different, which means he has to work harder at some things, like behaviour. But there is a bonus for him which he can learn to value about himself - the same 'different' brain wiring that makes it hard for Seb to learn social interaction by osmosis is also equipping him academically. His brain will absorb factual information, spatial relationships (I bet he's good with mazes, or understanding how things work) and other 'connectedness' especially when he is presented with it as a whole. He may have difficulty in school in some areas, but if you let him learn in the way he finds easiest, he will discover his own amazing ability to understand and also concentrate on fine detail in his area of special interest. This ability to concentrate on a deep level, on the sort of detail that many others simply can't deal with, will set him apart as a valuable worker/employee/student in years to come, if he learns to value it in himself and direct it into a career path. For example, the ability to see a flaw in a computer program, or a page of text, or a page of mathematical formulae (I'm talking about when he's older). Or to look into an engine and almost intuitively find what's not working. And if husband can see Seb's worth, this may make it easier for him to support him instead of ordering him. Watch him NOW, find what he is good at and encourage him to do more of it. Spread him around his ability range as much as possible, openly value him for it and this will give him a sense of personal worth which he will need, to get through these tough times with other kids being so mean. by the way, these other kids - this is going to get worse, at least until he is in his early teens. The only way to stop it is to either remove him from these kids or to be super-vigilant and also react with information and education for the other kids. This is not always politically correct, but without it problems often continue. With difficult child 3's repeated experiences of being attacked, I finally got fed up, went round to the home of the kid responsible (I am doing this with every new attacker) and talked it out, with the boy's mother present. I basically said I wasn't going to re-hash old stuff but it was all going to stop because I had had enough of difficult child 3 being victimised by some kid with his own chip on the shoulder. "If you're having a bad day, deal with it yourself and don't attack my son, or I will be back here for another talk with your mother," I told the kid. The other kid insisted difficult child 3 had started it (which I knew wasn't true, but the other kid had planned it so there were no witnesses (he thought). So I just said, "No more. If difficult child 3 attacks you, come and tell me. But if you attacked him first, I will know. So from now on, you will be polite and friendly to each other. The past is gone. A fresh start. You don't have to be friends - just no longer enemies. Because I can be a bigger enemy than my son, but we can also be good friends. Your choice." Since then, I've praised this other boy when I've seen him play sport well (I was being honest, not searching for something nice to say) and this boy has begun to look out for and protect difficult child 3. basically, the bully was also a victim and was taking his frustrations out on difficult child 3 because 'the system' had taught him that he could get away with it. The school had in its own way encouraged the bullying, by sending a message that difficult child 3, being different, was dangerous, untrustworthy, likely to either lie or not know truth and in some way deserving of being kicked, hit, punished or merely ignored. And while I apologised for difficult child 3, I was endorsing the same view. Once I began standing up for him (reasonably, not being an idiot about "my son can do no wrong") then the problems began to resolve. Some local kids are still mean to difficult child 3 but this is a younger group who haven't yet had to face ME. And when difficult child 3 reports a problem, I first talk to HIM about it, we discuss how he could have handled things better and role-play it. A lot of people these days are astonished when I tell them that difficult child 3 is autistic. But they don't see that we are joined at the hip. I worry every time difficult child 3 goes out for a bike ride, insisting he go on his own. And I worry with good reason - his bike still hasn't been repaired since he rode it into a neighbour's car, while trying to get away from the latest crop of bullies. But difficult child 3 is insisting he be allowed personal space and the chance to make new friends. On our recent holiday difficult child 3 would wander round the resort and chat to other boys, trying to set up a game of sorts or some other activity. We had no problems although I'm fairly sure the other boys realised that difficult child 3 is odd. But kids are more accepting than adults, especially when they are away from their own comfort zones. When difficult child 3 was younger I would write social stories for him. Or a set of rules, worded as plainly as possible but with humour. He reads more than he hears, so what is written reinforces its meaning much better. When he was REALLY young, I would do it with photographs as well. You could do this with your younger son - write the story of a special adventure you've all had, and include photos. Make each child the star of his own story. It doesn't matter if you've pitched the text slightly above his reading ability or apparent comprehension level - because the story is about HIM, each boy will want the story read to him over and over until he memorises it. Then each time he goes over it again, the language you have used will stick in his memory. And if what you've written is positive, encouraging and fun, it will strengthen their own confidence and sense of being loved. It sounds like you will be doing these sort of initiatives on your own - so be it. Tell husband it's a form of scrapbooking, and lots of loving mothers do it for their kids. it will boost their reading skills. But if husband doesn't change (and why should he now? You can't change him anyway) then increasingly, Seb is going to attach to you and resent husband. You need to avoid making this worse (not easy) and when husband complains to you that Seb seems to have an unreasonable hatred for him, you will maybe have an opening then to explain to husband that his parenting style simply is wrong for Seb. That's how it is sometimes - what is effective for some kids is disastrous for others. And of course husband will say, "It's how I was raised, and it didn't do me any harm." And even while you're thinking, 'yeah? check the psychological mirror, big boy,' you can say, "You're not Seb. He's not you. You asked why, I have told you. I can explain how, but only if you want to take it on board. Otherwise we keep going as we are now. And that would be a pity." I hope you get that chance, but it sounds like you probably won't. But in the meantime, there is a lot you can do. A lot of positive stuff. Do fun family project stuff with the boys (at the level Seb can handle, without stressing too much). Learn Seb's tolerance levels, and slowly keep stretching them. Meanwhile, watch your younger son. Involve Seb in helping his little brother. having someone else to care for is a good thing for him. But do this with an understanding of helping Seb learn how to interact appropriately. You have to be his helper, not his jailer, but still be the one maintaining safety and diplomacy. And when the boys are grown - maybe join the rest of us in the queue for a UN job in diplomatic relations! Marg [/QUOTE]
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