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Hurts so much
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 764125" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Ithurtz,</p><p>I have often said that living with the reality and sadness of having addicted adult children is like grieving for someone who is still alive. In that respect it helps to understand the stages of grief, to deeply examine our own feelings and seek help when needed.</p><p></p><p>My youngest, 22, started smoking pot in college. He became sullen and angry when sober. Fortunately, he stopped and is getting better. What I meant in addition to the possibility that other drugs can come into the picture, is that dealers mix stuff into pot, kids are vaping a much more concentrated form of it, and growers have developed potent plants with more thc. All of this is a combination for trouble.</p><p></p><p>Even if you did ask him, he is most likely to deny it. Even if it is “just pot” the crux of the issue is that he is not functioning normally. I hope that your ex is able to heed your warnings, and seeks help for herself. That is up to her to decide. We are all at different places in learning how to cope with our waywards’ addictions and behaviors. It can take time and a great deal of trial and error, processing the grief before one is able to come to grips that we have no control over what our adult children choose in life. When those choices cause chaos in our lives, we have to take action, but oftentimes it takes time to figure out how to switch from desperately trying to help our adult kids, to realizing how effected we are, to actually taking steps to protect ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Oh gosh, I know how this feels. My workmates used to talk about their adult kids and the successes they had, while I was happy for them, I also felt isolated. Sad. I was extremely enmeshed in my waywards lives at one point. It was akin to a double drowning, they were drowning in drugs and chaos and I was going down the rabbit hole with them, I was so disheartened and desperate.</p><p>After years of trying to “help” them, and living in the chaos, I put my foot down and would no longer house them. That set me on a path of feeling incredibly guilty and sad, envisioning the worst case scenarios. Each encounter brought me to the edge of the rabbit hole, until I realized I couldn’t go there anymore. I was so focused on what my two were doing, throwing their lives away, that I forgot about my own life, my well kids. That’s no way to live.</p><p></p><p>I don’t believe it either, everything has side effects. Our bodies are incredible at healing, but when we continue to self inflict illness, something has to give. Everyone is different, some are able to smoke pot and function, others not so much. I’m hoping my son is able to stay away from it, I don’t need three wayward adult kids.</p><p></p><p>I used to dread this as well. But, that all goes with choices and consequences. Late hubs and I worked really hard to give our kids a decent upbringing. Made many mistakes along the way, but did our best. We sure didn’t raise our kids to live the way our two waywards do, and sure didn’t think either of them would do jail time. My Tornado has been in and out of jail for 6 years now. All on probation violations for getting caught riding a stolen moped (which she swears she didn’t know was stolen). Sorry if I am repeating myself about jail, but I am relieved when she is there- at least I know where she is. That attests to the ever evolving circumstances of addicted loved ones.</p><p>When I realized that years of focusing on my two, grieving their choices did nothing to change their outcome, and took a horrible toll on my own life, I knew I had to change. I am still working hard at it. </p><p>Switching focus is difficult because we spent so many years intensely focused on our kids while they were growing up, trying to steer them on the right path. It’s hard to let go, especially when we see them on such a downward slide. </p><p>Keep working on the boundaries you have set for your son. That is the first step. I think the biggest and hardest and longest step is retraining ourselves to set boundaries on our own reactions to our kids choices. Refocusing our energy to self care and finding ways to work through the pain is hard work. What we wish most for our wayward adult kids is that they find their true potential and get on a path towards self love. I think that when we focus on that for ourselves we become a living example for them. It makes no sense for us to go down the rabbit hole with them. Keep working at lifting yourself up, that is something you can control. You have already begun by setting boundaries for your son. </p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 764125, member: 19522"] Hi Ithurtz, I have often said that living with the reality and sadness of having addicted adult children is like grieving for someone who is still alive. In that respect it helps to understand the stages of grief, to deeply examine our own feelings and seek help when needed. My youngest, 22, started smoking pot in college. He became sullen and angry when sober. Fortunately, he stopped and is getting better. What I meant in addition to the possibility that other drugs can come into the picture, is that dealers mix stuff into pot, kids are vaping a much more concentrated form of it, and growers have developed potent plants with more thc. All of this is a combination for trouble. Even if you did ask him, he is most likely to deny it. Even if it is “just pot” the crux of the issue is that he is not functioning normally. I hope that your ex is able to heed your warnings, and seeks help for herself. That is up to her to decide. We are all at different places in learning how to cope with our waywards’ addictions and behaviors. It can take time and a great deal of trial and error, processing the grief before one is able to come to grips that we have no control over what our adult children choose in life. When those choices cause chaos in our lives, we have to take action, but oftentimes it takes time to figure out how to switch from desperately trying to help our adult kids, to realizing how effected we are, to actually taking steps to protect ourselves. Oh gosh, I know how this feels. My workmates used to talk about their adult kids and the successes they had, while I was happy for them, I also felt isolated. Sad. I was extremely enmeshed in my waywards lives at one point. It was akin to a double drowning, they were drowning in drugs and chaos and I was going down the rabbit hole with them, I was so disheartened and desperate. After years of trying to “help” them, and living in the chaos, I put my foot down and would no longer house them. That set me on a path of feeling incredibly guilty and sad, envisioning the worst case scenarios. Each encounter brought me to the edge of the rabbit hole, until I realized I couldn’t go there anymore. I was so focused on what my two were doing, throwing their lives away, that I forgot about my own life, my well kids. That’s no way to live. I don’t believe it either, everything has side effects. Our bodies are incredible at healing, but when we continue to self inflict illness, something has to give. Everyone is different, some are able to smoke pot and function, others not so much. I’m hoping my son is able to stay away from it, I don’t need three wayward adult kids. I used to dread this as well. But, that all goes with choices and consequences. Late hubs and I worked really hard to give our kids a decent upbringing. Made many mistakes along the way, but did our best. We sure didn’t raise our kids to live the way our two waywards do, and sure didn’t think either of them would do jail time. My Tornado has been in and out of jail for 6 years now. All on probation violations for getting caught riding a stolen moped (which she swears she didn’t know was stolen). Sorry if I am repeating myself about jail, but I am relieved when she is there- at least I know where she is. That attests to the ever evolving circumstances of addicted loved ones. When I realized that years of focusing on my two, grieving their choices did nothing to change their outcome, and took a horrible toll on my own life, I knew I had to change. I am still working hard at it. Switching focus is difficult because we spent so many years intensely focused on our kids while they were growing up, trying to steer them on the right path. It’s hard to let go, especially when we see them on such a downward slide. Keep working on the boundaries you have set for your son. That is the first step. I think the biggest and hardest and longest step is retraining ourselves to set boundaries on our own reactions to our kids choices. Refocusing our energy to self care and finding ways to work through the pain is hard work. What we wish most for our wayward adult kids is that they find their true potential and get on a path towards self love. I think that when we focus on that for ourselves we become a living example for them. It makes no sense for us to go down the rabbit hole with them. Keep working at lifting yourself up, that is something you can control. You have already begun by setting boundaries for your son. (((Hugs))) New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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