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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 764359" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think we need to rebuild ourselves too. Rewiring, they call it. Rewiring the brain. That's why writing helps. New Leaf and I came here around the same time about 8 years ago I think it is. We were both here day in, day out. I think I have written 10,000 posts. I read nearly everything posted and responded to most of it in the first few years. I didn't know why and what I was doing.</p><p></p><p>But looking back I was rewiring my brain. Every single thing we write here <em>when we respond </em>is from that new place, building that place. That rewired place. It is not the "advice" that helps. It's the modeling of what we need to build in ourselves and putting it in place, packing it in, and consolidating it in our brains as we respond to others.</p><p></p><p>My son has made suicidal statements. He has been hospitalized numerous times. Just this week he sent me a text. <em>I have nothing to live for. </em>I was crestfallen but I stayed neutral. I think what happens for him is that he temporarily wakes up to how he screws up, but instead of turning to himself, he turns to me, something outside of himself that he associates with problem-solving. This motivates me even more to let him deal with the consequences of his life himself.</p><p></p><p>You have to build that muscle in you, too. One thing that can help us begin to tolerate the feelings that come up is to identify them. Is it guilt?</p><p></p><p>None of us is a perfect parent. Let that go. We have got to learn to tolerate letting them live their lives. That work is in us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 764359, member: 18958"] I think we need to rebuild ourselves too. Rewiring, they call it. Rewiring the brain. That's why writing helps. New Leaf and I came here around the same time about 8 years ago I think it is. We were both here day in, day out. I think I have written 10,000 posts. I read nearly everything posted and responded to most of it in the first few years. I didn't know why and what I was doing. But looking back I was rewiring my brain. Every single thing we write here [I]when we respond [/I]is from that new place, building that place. That rewired place. It is not the "advice" that helps. It's the modeling of what we need to build in ourselves and putting it in place, packing it in, and consolidating it in our brains as we respond to others. My son has made suicidal statements. He has been hospitalized numerous times. Just this week he sent me a text. [I]I have nothing to live for. [/I]I was crestfallen but I stayed neutral. I think what happens for him is that he temporarily wakes up to how he screws up, but instead of turning to himself, he turns to me, something outside of himself that he associates with problem-solving. This motivates me even more to let him deal with the consequences of his life himself. You have to build that muscle in you, too. One thing that can help us begin to tolerate the feelings that come up is to identify them. Is it guilt? None of us is a perfect parent. Let that go. We have got to learn to tolerate letting them live their lives. That work is in us. [/QUOTE]
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