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husband lied to me
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 407841" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Well......I didn't see this ---that's why I din't touch it - but here goes. </p><p> </p><p>First of all - SHAME ON YOU for touching his phone. Yup - you heard me. This to me? Is childish. See, in my world - you either trust him or you don't. If you don't and you put SO much emphasis on trust? WHY do you keep trusting him with things? Because why? Because he's your husband, because he's your help-mate, because you are waiting for him to tell you a lie again, because you know he will and you are waiting to pounce on him and rip him a new one? Someone said - All partners lie to each other. I don't know if I believe that or not. I think if you lie to me once? My trust is gone. HOW do I trust you again? Ever? Answer? Either I don't, or it's going to take a lifetime to rebuild it, and if you have already been lied to and have issues - either you had better GET into and stay into counseling and deal with the hurt and work on trust - or decide that it's okay in your relationship that you lie to each other and agree on a recommended number of times that you can do it a week, a month, a year, a life-time. Me personally? Past saying something like - "No your backside doesn't look big in those pants." I pretty much already know when I ask whats up. You did too - OTHERWISE you wouldn't have gone snooping into your husbands phone. </p><p> </p><p>If you have to snoop - that's an invasion of HIS privacy - so you open a whole can of worms - to which I think you may so - "SO go ahead I have nothing to hide." But you don't realize that you are breaking just as much trust down of yourself as you already feel for him. </p><p> </p><p>What would have been better? - WHY would it have been SO hard to walk over to him and say "I don't believe you were truthful with me yesterday in the meeting when that phone call came, and I have doubts. I'd like to talk about that so there is trust between us. Will you show me the conversation or not?" If he does? Then you talk about it like adults - not throw boots like an angry difficult child, and go off somewhere and pout. This is no good model for children and it certainly didn't accomplish ANYTHING did it? If he did NOT show you the phone? Then it's on him at that point and then you say something like "Well, I thought we had a better relationship than that - I was really hoping for trust here, and now? Now I'm not so sure because there is no reason for you not to show me what I'm asking for." </p><p> </p><p>It's not like you can do this every day - or even every week because if you are having THAT much doubt? You need counseling. Plain and simple either you trust HIM or YOU DO NOT. This has NOTHING to do with your kids or the house or the situation that the kids cause other than the fact that your insecurities about his relationship with his ex wife and their connection with their children make you feel uneasy. If there is still a connection there? Why did he marry you? That's the question I would ask, or would have asked before I married him. </p><p> </p><p>True - the stress of our kids doesn't HELP relationships but it's not the cause of the lack of trust in this one. The more you keep doing things like this to a man? The more of a wedge you are driving between the two of you. Things like snooping in a phone, going through a wallet, pants pockets, briefcase, car - this is very unnecessary if you have trust. If you don't have that? You have nothing. </p><p> </p><p>Whatever it is in this triangulation? Needs to stop - but it isn't until you start talking to someone - and I've told you this before - IF HE GOES WITH YOU? Great. If he does NOT? YOU KEEP GOING. Sometimes a relationship will heal in ways you can't possibly imagine - if one person heals themselves. May not be the way you invisioned - but it could be the best thing ever! </p><p> </p><p>Hope this makes sense - and by the way - past throwing boots at him? You do owe him an apology. in my opinion. And not a humble one either. Doesn't have to be a long, weepy one - You snooped, you were wrong - Leave it at that. You should have trusted him. It's a start. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 407841, member: 4964"] Well......I didn't see this ---that's why I din't touch it - but here goes. First of all - SHAME ON YOU for touching his phone. Yup - you heard me. This to me? Is childish. See, in my world - you either trust him or you don't. If you don't and you put SO much emphasis on trust? WHY do you keep trusting him with things? Because why? Because he's your husband, because he's your help-mate, because you are waiting for him to tell you a lie again, because you know he will and you are waiting to pounce on him and rip him a new one? Someone said - All partners lie to each other. I don't know if I believe that or not. I think if you lie to me once? My trust is gone. HOW do I trust you again? Ever? Answer? Either I don't, or it's going to take a lifetime to rebuild it, and if you have already been lied to and have issues - either you had better GET into and stay into counseling and deal with the hurt and work on trust - or decide that it's okay in your relationship that you lie to each other and agree on a recommended number of times that you can do it a week, a month, a year, a life-time. Me personally? Past saying something like - "No your backside doesn't look big in those pants." I pretty much already know when I ask whats up. You did too - OTHERWISE you wouldn't have gone snooping into your husbands phone. If you have to snoop - that's an invasion of HIS privacy - so you open a whole can of worms - to which I think you may so - "SO go ahead I have nothing to hide." But you don't realize that you are breaking just as much trust down of yourself as you already feel for him. What would have been better? - WHY would it have been SO hard to walk over to him and say "I don't believe you were truthful with me yesterday in the meeting when that phone call came, and I have doubts. I'd like to talk about that so there is trust between us. Will you show me the conversation or not?" If he does? Then you talk about it like adults - not throw boots like an angry difficult child, and go off somewhere and pout. This is no good model for children and it certainly didn't accomplish ANYTHING did it? If he did NOT show you the phone? Then it's on him at that point and then you say something like "Well, I thought we had a better relationship than that - I was really hoping for trust here, and now? Now I'm not so sure because there is no reason for you not to show me what I'm asking for." It's not like you can do this every day - or even every week because if you are having THAT much doubt? You need counseling. Plain and simple either you trust HIM or YOU DO NOT. This has NOTHING to do with your kids or the house or the situation that the kids cause other than the fact that your insecurities about his relationship with his ex wife and their connection with their children make you feel uneasy. If there is still a connection there? Why did he marry you? That's the question I would ask, or would have asked before I married him. True - the stress of our kids doesn't HELP relationships but it's not the cause of the lack of trust in this one. The more you keep doing things like this to a man? The more of a wedge you are driving between the two of you. Things like snooping in a phone, going through a wallet, pants pockets, briefcase, car - this is very unnecessary if you have trust. If you don't have that? You have nothing. Whatever it is in this triangulation? Needs to stop - but it isn't until you start talking to someone - and I've told you this before - IF HE GOES WITH YOU? Great. If he does NOT? YOU KEEP GOING. Sometimes a relationship will heal in ways you can't possibly imagine - if one person heals themselves. May not be the way you invisioned - but it could be the best thing ever! Hope this makes sense - and by the way - past throwing boots at him? You do owe him an apology. in my opinion. And not a humble one either. Doesn't have to be a long, weepy one - You snooped, you were wrong - Leave it at that. You should have trusted him. It's a start. Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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