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husband lied to me
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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 407859" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>Jena</p><p></p><p>I've only read through a few of the responses......</p><p></p><p>I can only give you insight from nearly 30 yrs as the 2nd wife. And as a child of a woman who married multiple times........of a father who married mult times.</p><p></p><p>So before I even married husband I had some background. I knew he had a 1st wife. I knew he had a child with 1st wife. Which of course meant they had a history together, relationship, the whole deal. I knew that due to the child they had together that even though I was marrying husband........ex for all intent and purposes was part of that package whether I liked it or not. She would be involved in our lives on some level, period. From my own parents I knew one doesn't simply cut ties with an ex especially if you have kids with them. And well heck with my mom she never cut ties with her 2nd husband whom she never had kids with, they remained best friends until the day he died. (this is the man I refer to as dad, not my biodad) And let me tell you that mukked up more than one relationship all by itself, even though it was only on friend level and would never deviate from that..........try convincing a boyfriend or new husband of that. ugh</p><p></p><p>If husband's kids visit on a reg basis, you can bet your bottom dollar ex knows everything going on within your household. And from the way you describe ex......I'd just plain count on it. Cuz odds are if the kids aren't volunteering the info, she's pumping them for it. Including those midnight discussions when the kids should be sleeping. (husband and I kept those for when the kids weren't even home, simpler)</p><p></p><p>I'm not saying husband doing what he did was right and I'm not trying to excuse his behavior. And believe me I sooooooo understand the trust issues. </p><p></p><p>But odds are ex already knew what was going on and timed her call accordingly. Puts husband on the spot with you, draws your attention to the call and what he's doing. Under such circumstances men often act like kids. Put on the hotspot they lie. And it's possible he was covering due to the fact that <strong>cps was there</strong> and didn't want you to be mad during the meeting. But then like with kids, they don't seem to know how to come clean with a lie and make it worse later. ugh</p><p></p><p>Add in all the stress you two have been under...........and it turns what probably would've been a normal spat into something enormous.</p><p></p><p>Married couples lie to each other, at least those who have lasting marriages do. Anyone who believes otherwise is a fool. I'm not talking huge earth shattering lies........but I mean c'mon, you could never live with another person for almost 30 yrs and be honest 24/7 you'd never make it out of the starting gate........or you'd kill each other. lol</p><p></p><p>Thanks to my wonderful childhood I have major trust issues. During the first years of my marriage husband's lying drove me insane.........or at least to the very brink. husband will lie about anything, even when it's not necessary. The man is so used to lying that being honest doesn't occur to him, most especially back then. He has much improved these last several years......although I still take what comes out of his mouth with a grain of salt until it's proven one way or the other. It was while on my crusade to get him to STOP the lying that I realized I do it all the time too. Ok, so they're lil white lies.........like oh no dear, no change from the groceries (while I tuck 100 bucks away in my hiding place that I saved on sales).........but still it is what it is even when it's done with good intentions. So I had to step back and look at it all again.</p><p></p><p>My husband? He lies because he's deathly afraid of confrontation, he will do anything to avoid it. Lying was his tool to avoid it starting from a young age, then turned into habit as it appeared to pay off. The only thing that worked in his favor is if I really nailed him down on it......he usually came clean. But that meant I had to have the truth ready to rub in his face. I found with HIM yelling and carrying on only made his lying worse........because that is what he was trying to avoid. So I'd get all my ducks in a row, confront him with the truth once I'd given myself ample time to calm down so I could do it in a normal tone and expression. </p><p></p><p>But I've discovered lying is a very hard habit to break. At least these days husband's tend to go along the lines of the lil white lies and those I can pretty much handle.</p><p></p><p>Another thing I had to do was get my nose out of his business. I had to stop snooping. Not an easy thing for someone with trust issues to do let me tell you. I had to let it go. His lies, especially the not lil white ones, always caught up to him even without me snooping and fueling the fire. And I found when I wasn't fueling the fire........when that moment of catch up arrived it had much more impact. Not to mention I was a much calmer person day in and day out.</p><p></p><p>As far as ex? Being the 2nd wife meant I had to let go of some things. He was going to talk to ex. Heck I was going to talk to ex. We would see her on occasion. Our home life was not going to be private due to katie coming to visit. Heck for that matter her home life wasn't private due to katie coming to visit as we heard about everything her mom had done since the last visit even when I did my best to stop the child from telling us because I could care less what her mother was or wasn't doing. ugh It hoovers not to be able to have a private home life but it also comes with the territory to a certain degree.</p><p></p><p>Counseling is a really good idea for both of you. And if husband is willing, then honey go for it cuz so many men flat out and refuse. Like I said I'm not saying what he did was right or even excusing it. But him willing to go get help says he cares a LOT for YOU. And when gfgdom is slamming you both hard as well as lifes normal ups and downs ect........sometimes you have to step back and remind yourselves of that just to keep yourselves on the right track in your own relationship.</p><p></p><p>((hugs))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 407859, member: 84"] Jena I've only read through a few of the responses...... I can only give you insight from nearly 30 yrs as the 2nd wife. And as a child of a woman who married multiple times........of a father who married mult times. So before I even married husband I had some background. I knew he had a 1st wife. I knew he had a child with 1st wife. Which of course meant they had a history together, relationship, the whole deal. I knew that due to the child they had together that even though I was marrying husband........ex for all intent and purposes was part of that package whether I liked it or not. She would be involved in our lives on some level, period. From my own parents I knew one doesn't simply cut ties with an ex especially if you have kids with them. And well heck with my mom she never cut ties with her 2nd husband whom she never had kids with, they remained best friends until the day he died. (this is the man I refer to as dad, not my biodad) And let me tell you that mukked up more than one relationship all by itself, even though it was only on friend level and would never deviate from that..........try convincing a boyfriend or new husband of that. ugh If husband's kids visit on a reg basis, you can bet your bottom dollar ex knows everything going on within your household. And from the way you describe ex......I'd just plain count on it. Cuz odds are if the kids aren't volunteering the info, she's pumping them for it. Including those midnight discussions when the kids should be sleeping. (husband and I kept those for when the kids weren't even home, simpler) I'm not saying husband doing what he did was right and I'm not trying to excuse his behavior. And believe me I sooooooo understand the trust issues. But odds are ex already knew what was going on and timed her call accordingly. Puts husband on the spot with you, draws your attention to the call and what he's doing. Under such circumstances men often act like kids. Put on the hotspot they lie. And it's possible he was covering due to the fact that [B]cps was there[/B] and didn't want you to be mad during the meeting. But then like with kids, they don't seem to know how to come clean with a lie and make it worse later. ugh Add in all the stress you two have been under...........and it turns what probably would've been a normal spat into something enormous. Married couples lie to each other, at least those who have lasting marriages do. Anyone who believes otherwise is a fool. I'm not talking huge earth shattering lies........but I mean c'mon, you could never live with another person for almost 30 yrs and be honest 24/7 you'd never make it out of the starting gate........or you'd kill each other. lol Thanks to my wonderful childhood I have major trust issues. During the first years of my marriage husband's lying drove me insane.........or at least to the very brink. husband will lie about anything, even when it's not necessary. The man is so used to lying that being honest doesn't occur to him, most especially back then. He has much improved these last several years......although I still take what comes out of his mouth with a grain of salt until it's proven one way or the other. It was while on my crusade to get him to STOP the lying that I realized I do it all the time too. Ok, so they're lil white lies.........like oh no dear, no change from the groceries (while I tuck 100 bucks away in my hiding place that I saved on sales).........but still it is what it is even when it's done with good intentions. So I had to step back and look at it all again. My husband? He lies because he's deathly afraid of confrontation, he will do anything to avoid it. Lying was his tool to avoid it starting from a young age, then turned into habit as it appeared to pay off. The only thing that worked in his favor is if I really nailed him down on it......he usually came clean. But that meant I had to have the truth ready to rub in his face. I found with HIM yelling and carrying on only made his lying worse........because that is what he was trying to avoid. So I'd get all my ducks in a row, confront him with the truth once I'd given myself ample time to calm down so I could do it in a normal tone and expression. But I've discovered lying is a very hard habit to break. At least these days husband's tend to go along the lines of the lil white lies and those I can pretty much handle. Another thing I had to do was get my nose out of his business. I had to stop snooping. Not an easy thing for someone with trust issues to do let me tell you. I had to let it go. His lies, especially the not lil white ones, always caught up to him even without me snooping and fueling the fire. And I found when I wasn't fueling the fire........when that moment of catch up arrived it had much more impact. Not to mention I was a much calmer person day in and day out. As far as ex? Being the 2nd wife meant I had to let go of some things. He was going to talk to ex. Heck I was going to talk to ex. We would see her on occasion. Our home life was not going to be private due to katie coming to visit. Heck for that matter her home life wasn't private due to katie coming to visit as we heard about everything her mom had done since the last visit even when I did my best to stop the child from telling us because I could care less what her mother was or wasn't doing. ugh It hoovers not to be able to have a private home life but it also comes with the territory to a certain degree. Counseling is a really good idea for both of you. And if husband is willing, then honey go for it cuz so many men flat out and refuse. Like I said I'm not saying what he did was right or even excusing it. But him willing to go get help says he cares a LOT for YOU. And when gfgdom is slamming you both hard as well as lifes normal ups and downs ect........sometimes you have to step back and remind yourselves of that just to keep yourselves on the right track in your own relationship. ((hugs)) [/QUOTE]
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