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husband lied to me
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 407908" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Let him go to counselling. You too (your own counsellor). Stop snooping if it's going to upset you. on the other hand, if you really HAVE to know, snoop but don't say anything. You had to know - what more should there be? If you snoop and chuck a tanty, it only drives his lying deeper underground.</p><p></p><p>When you started up with him you knew what he was like. You knew he came with baggage. When someone makes a baby, there is a bond between you that you're stuck with for the life of that child. YOU know that - psycho exH is a classic example.</p><p></p><p>You have to decide what you want to do, but whatever standard you want to hold other people to - you have to match it yourself.</p><p></p><p>And all of you who say that every marriage has lies - no, not necessarily. It can be done. When I spend money, husband gets to see all the receipts. When I post here, husband reads it all. That's why he joined. It actually helps us to be open with one another to this extent.</p><p></p><p>As for husband talking about private stuff to other people - I've had that problem with husband, he would tell his parents everything. Especially his mother. She is a skilful interrogator, but also a worrier. Some choices we were making, we knew they would not like. But the habits of a lifetime (telling his parents everything and asking advice) were very hard to break. Some of our choices were very personal private ones and frankly, should not have been their issue. It has taken years of trying really hards, for husband to learn how to lie to his mother. Or at least, how to not tell her everything including what she really shouldn't want to know.</p><p></p><p>If your husband is vulnerable, if he is able to be manipulated, and if his ex is as vindictive and possessive as you say, then he will not be able to resist her. When he texted, "CPS is here", she may have already made it clear to him that she knew they had been called. After all, they first arrived months ago, didn't they? And I think you suspected she might have been the one who called them (in which case, she would know).</p><p></p><p>I do understand husband when he says he was trying to draw her out, find out if she was the one who dobbed you in. But he is playing with fire - she is too smart for that. He needs to stop trying to be clever, it is embarrassing when A guy does this and just is totally outclassed.</p><p></p><p>You need to handle these issues in a mature way. Star is right. While you have a right to be upset, so does he. Also, while you get upset like that, he is LESS likely to be truthful in the future. Look what happened last time you found out the truth... he will be thinking. He is just too simple to do this to him.</p><p></p><p>You need to be the hero here, set an example of how to behave. The example is for husband, it is for the girls. Recognise that his ex will know the intimate details of your home and your husband should not be held on too tight a rein - she will find out in other ways and make his life a misery. While you ever come close to behaving like her, he will feel trapped in a vice. Make your love for him a refuge form the problems she caused for him, and you will have him far more as an ally, and him far less in her pocket.</p><p></p><p>Do not hold him to standards he cannot maintain. You have to decide if you can live with the lower standard.</p><p></p><p>Talk to a counsellor about this.</p><p></p><p>Also - I have not delayed in responding, this is the first I saw this thread. I do respond, if I am going to respond, as soon as I see it. I do not get guilted into response, ever. it is more likely to have me backing away and not touching an issue, if I feel pressured. A lot of people will react this way, so guard yourself and the way you relate to people. This goes for everybody you deal with - your life has been so stressful lately, you are falling into bad habits of interaction which are setting up negative feedback loops in your life. Stop, step back, breathe, see what you are doing. You can only change your own behaviour, not someone else's. How you choose to handle things now, will determine how he behaves later on. Partly.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 407908, member: 1991"] Let him go to counselling. You too (your own counsellor). Stop snooping if it's going to upset you. on the other hand, if you really HAVE to know, snoop but don't say anything. You had to know - what more should there be? If you snoop and chuck a tanty, it only drives his lying deeper underground. When you started up with him you knew what he was like. You knew he came with baggage. When someone makes a baby, there is a bond between you that you're stuck with for the life of that child. YOU know that - psycho exH is a classic example. You have to decide what you want to do, but whatever standard you want to hold other people to - you have to match it yourself. And all of you who say that every marriage has lies - no, not necessarily. It can be done. When I spend money, husband gets to see all the receipts. When I post here, husband reads it all. That's why he joined. It actually helps us to be open with one another to this extent. As for husband talking about private stuff to other people - I've had that problem with husband, he would tell his parents everything. Especially his mother. She is a skilful interrogator, but also a worrier. Some choices we were making, we knew they would not like. But the habits of a lifetime (telling his parents everything and asking advice) were very hard to break. Some of our choices were very personal private ones and frankly, should not have been their issue. It has taken years of trying really hards, for husband to learn how to lie to his mother. Or at least, how to not tell her everything including what she really shouldn't want to know. If your husband is vulnerable, if he is able to be manipulated, and if his ex is as vindictive and possessive as you say, then he will not be able to resist her. When he texted, "CPS is here", she may have already made it clear to him that she knew they had been called. After all, they first arrived months ago, didn't they? And I think you suspected she might have been the one who called them (in which case, she would know). I do understand husband when he says he was trying to draw her out, find out if she was the one who dobbed you in. But he is playing with fire - she is too smart for that. He needs to stop trying to be clever, it is embarrassing when A guy does this and just is totally outclassed. You need to handle these issues in a mature way. Star is right. While you have a right to be upset, so does he. Also, while you get upset like that, he is LESS likely to be truthful in the future. Look what happened last time you found out the truth... he will be thinking. He is just too simple to do this to him. You need to be the hero here, set an example of how to behave. The example is for husband, it is for the girls. Recognise that his ex will know the intimate details of your home and your husband should not be held on too tight a rein - she will find out in other ways and make his life a misery. While you ever come close to behaving like her, he will feel trapped in a vice. Make your love for him a refuge form the problems she caused for him, and you will have him far more as an ally, and him far less in her pocket. Do not hold him to standards he cannot maintain. You have to decide if you can live with the lower standard. Talk to a counsellor about this. Also - I have not delayed in responding, this is the first I saw this thread. I do respond, if I am going to respond, as soon as I see it. I do not get guilted into response, ever. it is more likely to have me backing away and not touching an issue, if I feel pressured. A lot of people will react this way, so guard yourself and the way you relate to people. This goes for everybody you deal with - your life has been so stressful lately, you are falling into bad habits of interaction which are setting up negative feedback loops in your life. Stop, step back, breathe, see what you are doing. You can only change your own behaviour, not someone else's. How you choose to handle things now, will determine how he behaves later on. Partly. Marg [/QUOTE]
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