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husband lied to me
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<blockquote data-quote="Jena" data-source="post: 408060" data-attributes="member: 4514"><p>soo cool that you are all giving me such awesome insight into all of this. truly. and star yea i can see your point and husband and you talking over me i'm sooo lucky lol. difficult child and i just brought dogs to the dog park it was warm here today. trying to fill her time till school makes decision regarding in home tutors and yes i am teaching her now till they do. scarey stuff!</p><p> </p><p>I have done enough therapy in portland to come to some strong conclusions about me, my parenting how it's affected by my past all that great junk. she was a really good therapist and we delved in immediately because we both knew our time was limited. i was like ok i'm anti' up quick for you and she laughed. yet it was good because it was all out on the table.</p><p> </p><p>that's where i learned what works for me, what i want, what i'm willing to bend on, where my boundaries lie. so i came back here stronger than i left. not 100% ofcourse because portland was challenging for difficult child and i. Yet I did return with a much larger sense of self. he saw it, kids saw it and just as human nature dictates they all challenged mom in their own special ways. Yet now i can see the both kids beginning to calm. difficult child will always be difficult child, yet i can see their settling in, happy to have the structure of me here again the rules etc. that they claim to hate. easy child has been a joy past few days to be around. difficult child is adhering to the new improved mom i am and a bit thrown by it <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p> </p><p>i get what your saying about "rules" and setting limits boundaries that sort of thing prior to and i like the monopoly anology also cute. we did just that and i guess that's why i'm frustrated. we did the sit down prior to marriage, many many times discussed what our seperate dreams were and visions also what marriage meant to us. husband's view of it i'll be honest was a bit tainted. he didnt' hold marriage in the previous high regard he had due to what his ex did. so we purposely waited because i felt he just wasnt' ready even though he thought he was. and we waited till this past july. i didnt' feel hesitant or thought i was making a mistake at all up there. i felt sound in my decision.</p><p> </p><p>he's the total opposite of what would usually catch my eye. total opposite. he's a large man, which is fine he is bald also fine. yet not what physically would even float my boat. yet i fell for him. he's gruff and a real tough guy not a metro sexual at all as far as dress cologne. his idea of dressing up is a tshirt and jeans lol. his view on things though his ability to always view the cup half full was what got me, that life had tossed him some real dilemna's and he rolled with it so incredibly well, his strength prevailed.</p><p> </p><p>with all that being said the frustration comes into play because we constantly have to change the rules, how he handles ex etc. due to her continued harrassment of him. i feel he's all over the board when it comes to her. he'll feed me the way is she texting me again, i keep cutting her off it's ridiculous. if it wasnt' for kids i wouldnt' know her. (what Jen wants to hear version) than to her he'll answer her texts regarding why we got another puppy, why we moved where we did, cps in our home, his car crash he had to inform her of last year, which by the way he was fine. (giving her what she wants and what he wants to get).</p><p> </p><p>so my point i think is just be honest. anti up stop the games. put it out there, own it and respect your own needs. whatever they may be. if you need her in your life for whatever reason than state so and handle accordingly. if you lose me in the interim than so be it it was meant to be that way.</p><p> </p><p>last night we tried to talk yet it was too soon. he's dillussional expected to come home to a warm loving let's get it on wife lol. i was nowhere near that and had to respect my emotions at the time, i've learned that and boy it took years <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> so he said your using it as a control measure. i said no i'm not i'm not emotionally there right now and it's that simple and you can feel as you want yet its' not to hurt you. its just how i'm feeling.</p><p> </p><p>than i explained to him i dont' want lip service, speech upon speech about all this giving me what i want to hear, than flipping the script and giving her what she wants and what you clearly need from her. honesty all the way. yet he wont' own it. his pride i guess gets in the way. it's easier to say i dont need her, i dont' still care. that's bs. yet i told him your actions speak diferently all the time. it's far beyond that of i respect her due to 3 kids. it's something more it always has been.</p><p> </p><p>i told him you can't control your heart. you can only control your actions or you can chose to do what you want. yet to me a marriage is a friendship on fire, a forever growing and changing thing. you gotta give to get and compromise is key as is respect and trust. i screwed up yet i gotta say im glad i did. it brought things toa head where they needed to be. now maybe through some counseling we can find out where it is we'll wind up in the end.</p><p> </p><p>hes' funny though i gotta admit. he's in the "teenage" mode and still divorced mode, yet he chose to marry me. he's like ill do what i want you don't control me. ahhh no kidding i dont control you understatement of the year. i said listen marriage comes with some rules. clearly anyone getting married does so because they cant imagine their life wtihout the other person. yet it also comes with i think a responsibility to consider one's actions prior to acting upon them because your no longer single you function as a team that's supposed to be strong and that strength like a foundation is built on all that good junk the respect trust friendship etc.</p><p> </p><p>make sense??</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Jena, post: 408060, member: 4514"] soo cool that you are all giving me such awesome insight into all of this. truly. and star yea i can see your point and husband and you talking over me i'm sooo lucky lol. difficult child and i just brought dogs to the dog park it was warm here today. trying to fill her time till school makes decision regarding in home tutors and yes i am teaching her now till they do. scarey stuff! I have done enough therapy in portland to come to some strong conclusions about me, my parenting how it's affected by my past all that great junk. she was a really good therapist and we delved in immediately because we both knew our time was limited. i was like ok i'm anti' up quick for you and she laughed. yet it was good because it was all out on the table. that's where i learned what works for me, what i want, what i'm willing to bend on, where my boundaries lie. so i came back here stronger than i left. not 100% ofcourse because portland was challenging for difficult child and i. Yet I did return with a much larger sense of self. he saw it, kids saw it and just as human nature dictates they all challenged mom in their own special ways. Yet now i can see the both kids beginning to calm. difficult child will always be difficult child, yet i can see their settling in, happy to have the structure of me here again the rules etc. that they claim to hate. easy child has been a joy past few days to be around. difficult child is adhering to the new improved mom i am and a bit thrown by it :) i get what your saying about "rules" and setting limits boundaries that sort of thing prior to and i like the monopoly anology also cute. we did just that and i guess that's why i'm frustrated. we did the sit down prior to marriage, many many times discussed what our seperate dreams were and visions also what marriage meant to us. husband's view of it i'll be honest was a bit tainted. he didnt' hold marriage in the previous high regard he had due to what his ex did. so we purposely waited because i felt he just wasnt' ready even though he thought he was. and we waited till this past july. i didnt' feel hesitant or thought i was making a mistake at all up there. i felt sound in my decision. he's the total opposite of what would usually catch my eye. total opposite. he's a large man, which is fine he is bald also fine. yet not what physically would even float my boat. yet i fell for him. he's gruff and a real tough guy not a metro sexual at all as far as dress cologne. his idea of dressing up is a tshirt and jeans lol. his view on things though his ability to always view the cup half full was what got me, that life had tossed him some real dilemna's and he rolled with it so incredibly well, his strength prevailed. with all that being said the frustration comes into play because we constantly have to change the rules, how he handles ex etc. due to her continued harrassment of him. i feel he's all over the board when it comes to her. he'll feed me the way is she texting me again, i keep cutting her off it's ridiculous. if it wasnt' for kids i wouldnt' know her. (what Jen wants to hear version) than to her he'll answer her texts regarding why we got another puppy, why we moved where we did, cps in our home, his car crash he had to inform her of last year, which by the way he was fine. (giving her what she wants and what he wants to get). so my point i think is just be honest. anti up stop the games. put it out there, own it and respect your own needs. whatever they may be. if you need her in your life for whatever reason than state so and handle accordingly. if you lose me in the interim than so be it it was meant to be that way. last night we tried to talk yet it was too soon. he's dillussional expected to come home to a warm loving let's get it on wife lol. i was nowhere near that and had to respect my emotions at the time, i've learned that and boy it took years :) so he said your using it as a control measure. i said no i'm not i'm not emotionally there right now and it's that simple and you can feel as you want yet its' not to hurt you. its just how i'm feeling. than i explained to him i dont' want lip service, speech upon speech about all this giving me what i want to hear, than flipping the script and giving her what she wants and what you clearly need from her. honesty all the way. yet he wont' own it. his pride i guess gets in the way. it's easier to say i dont need her, i dont' still care. that's bs. yet i told him your actions speak diferently all the time. it's far beyond that of i respect her due to 3 kids. it's something more it always has been. i told him you can't control your heart. you can only control your actions or you can chose to do what you want. yet to me a marriage is a friendship on fire, a forever growing and changing thing. you gotta give to get and compromise is key as is respect and trust. i screwed up yet i gotta say im glad i did. it brought things toa head where they needed to be. now maybe through some counseling we can find out where it is we'll wind up in the end. hes' funny though i gotta admit. he's in the "teenage" mode and still divorced mode, yet he chose to marry me. he's like ill do what i want you don't control me. ahhh no kidding i dont control you understatement of the year. i said listen marriage comes with some rules. clearly anyone getting married does so because they cant imagine their life wtihout the other person. yet it also comes with i think a responsibility to consider one's actions prior to acting upon them because your no longer single you function as a team that's supposed to be strong and that strength like a foundation is built on all that good junk the respect trust friendship etc. make sense?? 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