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husband lied to me
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<blockquote data-quote="rlsnights" data-source="post: 408379" data-attributes="member: 7948"><p>I am aware that I know very little about your situation, your marriage, your history and your husband's history. I don't have the time I'd like to go back and read all of the many previous posts. I may be repeating things others have said and I hope you will forgive any dumb comments I might make or ideas that have been thoroughly aired. But your first couple posts were so filled with pain and questioning. I am responding to that - to what sounded like your sense that your perceptions and beliefs about this incident are very, very important and deserve your attention rather than being brushed under the carpet and ignored.</p><p></p><p>First, why are you checking his cell phone? This seems like a violation of his boundaries to me and suggests you and he may need to tend to this issue. I have found that just because I am married certain boundaries do not vanish. If anything they become more important as evidence of mutual respect and trust. Been doing the marriage thing for 18 years with my wife and we are still learning those kinds of lessons so don't take that too hard. Life is messy and didn't come with a rule book. </p><p></p><p>Second, it seems unrealistic to me to think that you could have kept this information from the ex given that children move between the households. Perhaps taking control by the two of you telling ex about important issues like this one in a direct no nonsense fashion would be helpful. Like it or not, if you share children (and you do) his ex is part of the package you accepted when you chose to marry husband. Managing that relationship respectfully, regardless of her behavior, may help your husband be more reliable and honest. It sounds like he feels trapped between you and his ex. He may not be able to articulate his ambivalence and instinctive understanding that secrecy won't work. So he does stupid stunts like this.</p><p></p><p>Third, I don't think your desire to treat the CPS visit as a private family matter is necessarily wrong. If anything, it may be in your children's best interests for this to be so since they may not be equipped to field questions from peers or other adults (who should know better but rarely do). Asking the ex and husband to recall that it is really all about the kids is totally appropriate in my book. But there's a difference between private and secret. Secret implies wrong doing and shame. Private says, this is just none of your business. It sounds like you have opted for secret rather than private.If the ex wants to be the center of attention help her see how vital her role is in protecting the children. If you can maneuvering her into suggesting that this is not the business of people outside the family that would terrific. Even if you are only able to create an agreement that the matter is open to discussion or at least acknowledgement within the family brings her into the "fold" as it were. Now she is part of the protective ring of adults defending the children, to use an analogy taken from herd life.</p><p></p><p>Fourth, (this may sound contradictory to third but is just another way to think about this) you could openly acknowledge to anyone and everyone that CPS has taken an interest in your family. And that they are satisfied that all is well. This robs anyone like school staff, the ex, your children, your pastor, whoever, of the power to hold this over you or to threaten to call CPS on you in the future. You have nothing to hide so why hide it? And it may send a message to your children that their family is doing OK despite the difficulties you are all facing.</p><p></p><p>Fifth, setting aside the question of dishonesty, the texting during a CPS visit was soooo inappropriate in my opinion. No matter who he was texting, his family was on the line here and it deserved his complete attention. That is what I would find most disturbing. It suggests a lack of good judgement that is dangerous to your family's long term success. Short of "your daughter is in ER and you need to come now because they are talking life-support." I cannot imagine a circumstance that would excuse this behavior. And this is not something you can fix by talking about trust. If he can't see that this was out of line then you will always be walking a tightrope that can be cut by his poor judgement calls. If there's a reason to consider ending the relationship, that may be it. I am not advocating you leaving, just saying sometimes it's the little things that are easy to ignore that end up being the canary in the coal mine. The same could be said about your decision to invade his privacy by checking his cell.</p><p></p><p>I think your decision to seek counseling is a very good one. You have a very complicated family structure and there are many competing interests to take into account when you move through your daily life. It will never be easy.</p><p></p><p>I also think it essential for you to find a therapist of your own to help and support you no matter how things turn out.</p><p></p><p>Just my 2 cents.</p><p></p><p>I hope you are able to find peace with husband's actions so you are not hurting.</p><p></p><p>All the best,</p><p></p><p>Patricia</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rlsnights, post: 408379, member: 7948"] I am aware that I know very little about your situation, your marriage, your history and your husband's history. I don't have the time I'd like to go back and read all of the many previous posts. I may be repeating things others have said and I hope you will forgive any dumb comments I might make or ideas that have been thoroughly aired. But your first couple posts were so filled with pain and questioning. I am responding to that - to what sounded like your sense that your perceptions and beliefs about this incident are very, very important and deserve your attention rather than being brushed under the carpet and ignored. First, why are you checking his cell phone? This seems like a violation of his boundaries to me and suggests you and he may need to tend to this issue. I have found that just because I am married certain boundaries do not vanish. If anything they become more important as evidence of mutual respect and trust. Been doing the marriage thing for 18 years with my wife and we are still learning those kinds of lessons so don't take that too hard. Life is messy and didn't come with a rule book. Second, it seems unrealistic to me to think that you could have kept this information from the ex given that children move between the households. Perhaps taking control by the two of you telling ex about important issues like this one in a direct no nonsense fashion would be helpful. Like it or not, if you share children (and you do) his ex is part of the package you accepted when you chose to marry husband. Managing that relationship respectfully, regardless of her behavior, may help your husband be more reliable and honest. It sounds like he feels trapped between you and his ex. He may not be able to articulate his ambivalence and instinctive understanding that secrecy won't work. So he does stupid stunts like this. Third, I don't think your desire to treat the CPS visit as a private family matter is necessarily wrong. If anything, it may be in your children's best interests for this to be so since they may not be equipped to field questions from peers or other adults (who should know better but rarely do). Asking the ex and husband to recall that it is really all about the kids is totally appropriate in my book. But there's a difference between private and secret. Secret implies wrong doing and shame. Private says, this is just none of your business. It sounds like you have opted for secret rather than private.If the ex wants to be the center of attention help her see how vital her role is in protecting the children. If you can maneuvering her into suggesting that this is not the business of people outside the family that would terrific. Even if you are only able to create an agreement that the matter is open to discussion or at least acknowledgement within the family brings her into the "fold" as it were. Now she is part of the protective ring of adults defending the children, to use an analogy taken from herd life. Fourth, (this may sound contradictory to third but is just another way to think about this) you could openly acknowledge to anyone and everyone that CPS has taken an interest in your family. And that they are satisfied that all is well. This robs anyone like school staff, the ex, your children, your pastor, whoever, of the power to hold this over you or to threaten to call CPS on you in the future. You have nothing to hide so why hide it? And it may send a message to your children that their family is doing OK despite the difficulties you are all facing. Fifth, setting aside the question of dishonesty, the texting during a CPS visit was soooo inappropriate in my opinion. No matter who he was texting, his family was on the line here and it deserved his complete attention. That is what I would find most disturbing. It suggests a lack of good judgement that is dangerous to your family's long term success. Short of "your daughter is in ER and you need to come now because they are talking life-support." I cannot imagine a circumstance that would excuse this behavior. And this is not something you can fix by talking about trust. If he can't see that this was out of line then you will always be walking a tightrope that can be cut by his poor judgement calls. If there's a reason to consider ending the relationship, that may be it. I am not advocating you leaving, just saying sometimes it's the little things that are easy to ignore that end up being the canary in the coal mine. The same could be said about your decision to invade his privacy by checking his cell. I think your decision to seek counseling is a very good one. You have a very complicated family structure and there are many competing interests to take into account when you move through your daily life. It will never be easy. I also think it essential for you to find a therapist of your own to help and support you no matter how things turn out. Just my 2 cents. I hope you are able to find peace with husband's actions so you are not hurting. All the best, Patricia [/QUOTE]
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