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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 691135" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>If everyone could be a high achiever just by trying, more would high achieve. It is not just trying that makes a lawyer, a PhD. It takes good memory skills, not something everyone has. It takes good comprehension. It takes a high level of academic problem solving and attention span. It is damaging, Copa and Lil, to take your own experiences and place it on the shoulders of your sons. This thinking hurts you, makes you resent your sons and your sons panic and do even worse.</p><p></p><p>"Nothing will please Mom."</p><p></p><p>Some people like myself have normal IQ but poor attention skills and slow comprehension. Or other blocks to high achievment. Or, i.know you hate this Copa, but drug usage in utero and DNA. These can't be changed.</p><p></p><p>Reading this. I am grateful that I had open expectations of all my kids. When they struggled, I got them appropriate help and did not stress. Of course none were resistant to working though.</p><p></p><p>Copa, for your sake, dear, and I mean this kindly, you HAVE to let go of your son. He is way too old for you to try to keep him near you. By doing this, you assure he acts younger and feels incapable (and possibly trapped by your continuing to push him where he can't go). This is where I am glad my parents thought I was lazy rather than that I tried my hardest, and I DID try hard. Because they lete go and I knew I couldn't go back, I did not expect to depend on them. I was at least able to achieve a bit by working at some jobs and, damn, I was a good mom. It's what I did best. I have a strong positive identity as creatively gifted, attractive and a loving wife and mother. And I think I matter.</p><p></p><p>Your son needs to find his own identity and do his own thing. You will not be able to push high expectations on him. I don't believe he is just lazy. I am very a logical thinker. I see him as someone who may have done very well, but more than being mentally ill, I think in utero drugs and alcohol affected him, as it did Sonic. With his birth history, there was a good chance he would not be a high achiever. And then mental illness, which I feel is the least of it, and brain trauma are also factors. It is to your credit and his that he isn't a drug addict of heroin.</p><p></p><p>Copa, more than anything, we need our parents to accept and validate who we are or it hurts us. Remember talking about our lack of validation from our mothers in the FOO chronicles?</p><p></p><p>Please don't make the same mistake. Your son adores you. Don't make him think,"she won't accept me for who I am. She wanted me to be what I could not. That hurts."</p><p></p><p>Copa, your son is alone except for you and M. My unwanted and maybe bad advice, to keep your bond and love strong, is to let go of your dreams for him and if anything help him do HIS best. It is unlikely your best. He is not you.</p><p></p><p>I was told by an adoption worker that middle class, average achievers with kindness and insight make the best adoptive parents because we don't have the usually unrealistically high expectations that many high achievers want for their adopted kids who very well may have suffered damage in the womb and who probably have bio. parents who don't have high IQs and may be mentally ill. You hate thid. I knoe. I'm sorry. But mental illness and IQ are passed on. If he were your biological child, he would probably be a high achiever, motivated and no drugs or alcohol before birth. But you chose to be compassionate and adopt a little orphan boy who needed you more than anything. So now you deal with his issues in exchange for that kindness. You must accept him...not the pot, but that your dreams for him are probably unrealistic and set him back.</p><p></p><p>I don't care if he taught himself six languages. He was still drug affected. Sonic could read fluently at two. He memorized the words and amazed people. His memory for rote stuff us incredible. He struggles with abstract thinking. He too is detained because of his birth mothers drug use while pregnant, but I glow just thinking about him, ya know?</p><p></p><p>Lil, I do think you have a good idea of your son and who he is and simply want him to get a job, be independent of you and be happy. He is certainly capable of that. Dr. Somewhere (cough) thinks you realize your son won't light fires in the academic world, but is capable of modestly decent life with a job and fsmily. I think you and Copa are very different. Plus your son is still very young.</p><p></p><p>Dr. Somewhere is actually not a doctor at all, and I don't know it all (shock!!!). But I have a pretty good ability to sometimes, not always, logically dissect a problem. Naturally it is much easier for me to see this in others more than myself and, I repeat, I am certainly not always right.</p><p></p><p>I mean to try to help, not hurt, and hope nobody IS hurt. I do not mean anything malicious at all. Just...having lived without being validated for who I am, I think we need to take a realistic look at our adult kids and accept them. Estrangements and anger can happen if we dont. My mother has been dead ten years and my only memory of her is how she loathed who and what I was.</p><p></p><p>Sorry for the rant. Take what you like...leave the rest please. Pardon my stupid tablets typos. It's too late for me to correct it's stupid mistakes so I just hope it's readable. Peace to all tonight. Love to all too. We all stand together.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 691135, member: 1550"] If everyone could be a high achiever just by trying, more would high achieve. It is not just trying that makes a lawyer, a PhD. It takes good memory skills, not something everyone has. It takes good comprehension. It takes a high level of academic problem solving and attention span. It is damaging, Copa and Lil, to take your own experiences and place it on the shoulders of your sons. This thinking hurts you, makes you resent your sons and your sons panic and do even worse. "Nothing will please Mom." Some people like myself have normal IQ but poor attention skills and slow comprehension. Or other blocks to high achievment. Or, i.know you hate this Copa, but drug usage in utero and DNA. These can't be changed. Reading this. I am grateful that I had open expectations of all my kids. When they struggled, I got them appropriate help and did not stress. Of course none were resistant to working though. Copa, for your sake, dear, and I mean this kindly, you HAVE to let go of your son. He is way too old for you to try to keep him near you. By doing this, you assure he acts younger and feels incapable (and possibly trapped by your continuing to push him where he can't go). This is where I am glad my parents thought I was lazy rather than that I tried my hardest, and I DID try hard. Because they lete go and I knew I couldn't go back, I did not expect to depend on them. I was at least able to achieve a bit by working at some jobs and, damn, I was a good mom. It's what I did best. I have a strong positive identity as creatively gifted, attractive and a loving wife and mother. And I think I matter. Your son needs to find his own identity and do his own thing. You will not be able to push high expectations on him. I don't believe he is just lazy. I am very a logical thinker. I see him as someone who may have done very well, but more than being mentally ill, I think in utero drugs and alcohol affected him, as it did Sonic. With his birth history, there was a good chance he would not be a high achiever. And then mental illness, which I feel is the least of it, and brain trauma are also factors. It is to your credit and his that he isn't a drug addict of heroin. Copa, more than anything, we need our parents to accept and validate who we are or it hurts us. Remember talking about our lack of validation from our mothers in the FOO chronicles? Please don't make the same mistake. Your son adores you. Don't make him think,"she won't accept me for who I am. She wanted me to be what I could not. That hurts." Copa, your son is alone except for you and M. My unwanted and maybe bad advice, to keep your bond and love strong, is to let go of your dreams for him and if anything help him do HIS best. It is unlikely your best. He is not you. I was told by an adoption worker that middle class, average achievers with kindness and insight make the best adoptive parents because we don't have the usually unrealistically high expectations that many high achievers want for their adopted kids who very well may have suffered damage in the womb and who probably have bio. parents who don't have high IQs and may be mentally ill. You hate thid. I knoe. I'm sorry. But mental illness and IQ are passed on. If he were your biological child, he would probably be a high achiever, motivated and no drugs or alcohol before birth. But you chose to be compassionate and adopt a little orphan boy who needed you more than anything. So now you deal with his issues in exchange for that kindness. You must accept him...not the pot, but that your dreams for him are probably unrealistic and set him back. I don't care if he taught himself six languages. He was still drug affected. Sonic could read fluently at two. He memorized the words and amazed people. His memory for rote stuff us incredible. He struggles with abstract thinking. He too is detained because of his birth mothers drug use while pregnant, but I glow just thinking about him, ya know? Lil, I do think you have a good idea of your son and who he is and simply want him to get a job, be independent of you and be happy. He is certainly capable of that. Dr. Somewhere (cough) thinks you realize your son won't light fires in the academic world, but is capable of modestly decent life with a job and fsmily. I think you and Copa are very different. Plus your son is still very young. Dr. Somewhere is actually not a doctor at all, and I don't know it all (shock!!!). But I have a pretty good ability to sometimes, not always, logically dissect a problem. Naturally it is much easier for me to see this in others more than myself and, I repeat, I am certainly not always right. I mean to try to help, not hurt, and hope nobody IS hurt. I do not mean anything malicious at all. Just...having lived without being validated for who I am, I think we need to take a realistic look at our adult kids and accept them. Estrangements and anger can happen if we dont. My mother has been dead ten years and my only memory of her is how she loathed who and what I was. Sorry for the rant. Take what you like...leave the rest please. Pardon my stupid tablets typos. It's too late for me to correct it's stupid mistakes so I just hope it's readable. Peace to all tonight. Love to all too. We all stand together. [/QUOTE]
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