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I am at my wits end with this child! :P Please help.
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 381523" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>The thing with the book, etc - it gives you a different way of getting what you want form the child.</p><p></p><p>Tough love has its pace, but the whole aim of the exercise is to raise a child to be independent, happy, productive and functioning. Sometimes tough love is not the way. It's the old story of the willow tree and the grass, in a storm. The willow stands strong against the storm, the winds blow. The willow says to the grass, "I am strong, I will protect you," while the grass says, "I am afraid of the storm, I am too weak, I cannot stand strong." But the grass bends to the wind and survives, while eventually the willow topples. It has been betrayed by its own strength.</p><p></p><p>I am not advocating letting this child be allowed to mould the entire world to her pattern. But there does need to be some flexibility, I feel. Her mother actually has a point. And so do you. There does seem to be something in her nature, and the mother has found that giving way (in whatever way she does it) gives her some peace. But you are concerned that if Ness is used to people giving way to her all the time, she will grow up expecting people to always give way. Another problem will happen that both you and the mother need to realise - if Ness keeps wanting the world to fit in with her, she won't be as adaptable as she needs to be. Again, this sounds Aspie.</p><p></p><p>If she is Aspie, then trying to force control on her is going to backfire badly and really cause you a lot of grief. The harder you try, the worse she will be. But there are other techniques that will get you the changes you want.</p><p></p><p>Problems here - although she sounds like a bright kid in a lot of ways, if she is Aspie, then she actually will be a lot less capable in some highly specific areas. This can take you by surprise breathtakingly. If you force the issue, you will eventually lose. Sooner or later, probably sooner. But if you back off form forcing the issue, you have a better chance of eventually winning.</p><p></p><p>The to and fro is not helping though. She could have the best parents in the world, all on the same page and in full and daily communication, and this would be a problem still. Especially if she is Aspie - she would be feeling constantly off balance.</p><p></p><p>What these kids crave, is control of their world. They also can be stubborn to a nuclear level. Because they have the capacity for intense focus with mindblowing intensity, if you engage in a battle of wills you will lose. But if you can teach self-control, then this channels the already amazing ability into a very productive area. The book helps explain this and shows you how.</p><p></p><p>Another problem - if you're trying to get behaviour from her that simply is beyond her ability to give you, then you are set up for failure. A lot of the behaviour of Aspies sounds like insolence when in fact it is a lack of social understanding at the subtle levels we expect. They can learn social skills, but they don't pick them up the way others do. And they certainly do not learn social skills by pressure or control. In fact, it works against learning. These kids learn how to behave, by being shown how to behave. They also will treat people the way those people treat them. For example, if you say to your child, "For heaven's sake, hurry up! I'm fed up waiting for you!" then one day while you are shopping, the same child will stand in the supermarket shouting at you with hands on hips saying, "For heaven's sake, hurry up! I'm fed up waiting for you!" </p><p>People interpret this as insolence, but it is actually good learning - the child has just delivered the same behaviour that was modelled previously.</p><p></p><p>So when you discipline your child with strict control, often a child whose social skills are not up to par, will interpret your control as bullying or as the behaviour you expect from them. You may SAY "that is disrespectful," buy your actions say otherwise. </p><p></p><p>To teach respect, you have to show respect, even if they don't show respect to you. As Dr Phil says, "Someone has to be the hero."</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 381523, member: 1991"] The thing with the book, etc - it gives you a different way of getting what you want form the child. Tough love has its pace, but the whole aim of the exercise is to raise a child to be independent, happy, productive and functioning. Sometimes tough love is not the way. It's the old story of the willow tree and the grass, in a storm. The willow stands strong against the storm, the winds blow. The willow says to the grass, "I am strong, I will protect you," while the grass says, "I am afraid of the storm, I am too weak, I cannot stand strong." But the grass bends to the wind and survives, while eventually the willow topples. It has been betrayed by its own strength. I am not advocating letting this child be allowed to mould the entire world to her pattern. But there does need to be some flexibility, I feel. Her mother actually has a point. And so do you. There does seem to be something in her nature, and the mother has found that giving way (in whatever way she does it) gives her some peace. But you are concerned that if Ness is used to people giving way to her all the time, she will grow up expecting people to always give way. Another problem will happen that both you and the mother need to realise - if Ness keeps wanting the world to fit in with her, she won't be as adaptable as she needs to be. Again, this sounds Aspie. If she is Aspie, then trying to force control on her is going to backfire badly and really cause you a lot of grief. The harder you try, the worse she will be. But there are other techniques that will get you the changes you want. Problems here - although she sounds like a bright kid in a lot of ways, if she is Aspie, then she actually will be a lot less capable in some highly specific areas. This can take you by surprise breathtakingly. If you force the issue, you will eventually lose. Sooner or later, probably sooner. But if you back off form forcing the issue, you have a better chance of eventually winning. The to and fro is not helping though. She could have the best parents in the world, all on the same page and in full and daily communication, and this would be a problem still. Especially if she is Aspie - she would be feeling constantly off balance. What these kids crave, is control of their world. They also can be stubborn to a nuclear level. Because they have the capacity for intense focus with mindblowing intensity, if you engage in a battle of wills you will lose. But if you can teach self-control, then this channels the already amazing ability into a very productive area. The book helps explain this and shows you how. Another problem - if you're trying to get behaviour from her that simply is beyond her ability to give you, then you are set up for failure. A lot of the behaviour of Aspies sounds like insolence when in fact it is a lack of social understanding at the subtle levels we expect. They can learn social skills, but they don't pick them up the way others do. And they certainly do not learn social skills by pressure or control. In fact, it works against learning. These kids learn how to behave, by being shown how to behave. They also will treat people the way those people treat them. For example, if you say to your child, "For heaven's sake, hurry up! I'm fed up waiting for you!" then one day while you are shopping, the same child will stand in the supermarket shouting at you with hands on hips saying, "For heaven's sake, hurry up! I'm fed up waiting for you!" People interpret this as insolence, but it is actually good learning - the child has just delivered the same behaviour that was modelled previously. So when you discipline your child with strict control, often a child whose social skills are not up to par, will interpret your control as bullying or as the behaviour you expect from them. You may SAY "that is disrespectful," buy your actions say otherwise. To teach respect, you have to show respect, even if they don't show respect to you. As Dr Phil says, "Someone has to be the hero." Marg [/QUOTE]
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