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I am at my wits end with this child! :P Please help.
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 381833" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Erin, her mum could be telling the truth - she may behave perfectly for her, because they just happen to mesh together well and I suspect two other things also:</p><p></p><p>1) Mum lets her pretty much do what she wants, eat what she wants, not do chores and not tidy her room; and</p><p></p><p>2) Ness is 'eightened' towards you, in your presence her anxiety is ramped up just tat little bit, her hostility is ramped up just that bit more, so she is far more reactive with you, more likely to 'bite'. Your strict controlling kind of discipline (valid attempts to try to train the girl to be a good person, a tidy person and someone who pitches in and gets her chores done) is backfiring badly, with THIS kid (for whatever reason is underlying). </p><p></p><p>She could also be a bit oversensitive with you, because you are seen as the interloper (the curse of the step). This would have you the loser anyway, even if tis kid had no other problems. I remember when I was a kid and my good friend was dealing with her parents splitting up and each finding someone else. She hated her stepfather (who was our tennis coach) and encouraged us to me mean to him too. I especially was good at it, I remember he came over to me and asked me, "Why are you being mean to me? Is there something I have done to you?"</p><p>And of course he was right to challenge me. But I had confused loyalties and had fallen for a very dirty trick - get someone else, a total innocent, to fight your war for you. And it was a pointless war, my friend was resentful of someone who really had done nothing wrong to her. She wanted her parents back together, but she personally was not party to the full reasons for her parents' break-up. She was blaming her mother and especially her mother's new boyfriend, because merely by being in her mother's life, he was a reminder that her parents as a solid item was over. But who knows what really happened? ANd really, it was not her business, although perhaps her parents could have handled things better. But then - maybe they did try. My friend was very wilful.</p><p></p><p>We have a few stepmothers here on this site who are struggling with a range of problems. However, they have learned a lot on how to handle things and what to let go. One important bit of advice I am sure they would share with you, is that when there are problems like this (and this seems very common) you let the bio-parent in the household handle things. The problem is, I gather this is your home and you want to maintain your standards. </p><p></p><p>We have a member here in particular, Stepto2, who is in a similar situation (only not on good terms with bio-mother). Search her posts out, see if anything rings a bell. </p><p></p><p>And read that book! I am sure it will help, but you will be needing to sit on your hands a lot! To begin with, anyway.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 381833, member: 1991"] Erin, her mum could be telling the truth - she may behave perfectly for her, because they just happen to mesh together well and I suspect two other things also: 1) Mum lets her pretty much do what she wants, eat what she wants, not do chores and not tidy her room; and 2) Ness is 'eightened' towards you, in your presence her anxiety is ramped up just tat little bit, her hostility is ramped up just that bit more, so she is far more reactive with you, more likely to 'bite'. Your strict controlling kind of discipline (valid attempts to try to train the girl to be a good person, a tidy person and someone who pitches in and gets her chores done) is backfiring badly, with THIS kid (for whatever reason is underlying). She could also be a bit oversensitive with you, because you are seen as the interloper (the curse of the step). This would have you the loser anyway, even if tis kid had no other problems. I remember when I was a kid and my good friend was dealing with her parents splitting up and each finding someone else. She hated her stepfather (who was our tennis coach) and encouraged us to me mean to him too. I especially was good at it, I remember he came over to me and asked me, "Why are you being mean to me? Is there something I have done to you?" And of course he was right to challenge me. But I had confused loyalties and had fallen for a very dirty trick - get someone else, a total innocent, to fight your war for you. And it was a pointless war, my friend was resentful of someone who really had done nothing wrong to her. She wanted her parents back together, but she personally was not party to the full reasons for her parents' break-up. She was blaming her mother and especially her mother's new boyfriend, because merely by being in her mother's life, he was a reminder that her parents as a solid item was over. But who knows what really happened? ANd really, it was not her business, although perhaps her parents could have handled things better. But then - maybe they did try. My friend was very wilful. We have a few stepmothers here on this site who are struggling with a range of problems. However, they have learned a lot on how to handle things and what to let go. One important bit of advice I am sure they would share with you, is that when there are problems like this (and this seems very common) you let the bio-parent in the household handle things. The problem is, I gather this is your home and you want to maintain your standards. We have a member here in particular, Stepto2, who is in a similar situation (only not on good terms with bio-mother). Search her posts out, see if anything rings a bell. And read that book! I am sure it will help, but you will be needing to sit on your hands a lot! To begin with, anyway. Marg [/QUOTE]
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