I am losing contol

[Kjs]

I start off each day thinking it will be a better day. Then, difficult child will just say something and set me off. I totally have been losing control. husband sits right there as difficult child talks back, or talks down to me. He has 20+ missing assignments, and if I ask him to work on his homework (I'll catch him on-line playing a game) he yells at me. husband says, how many hours do you want him to work in it? I say until it's done, he should of done them in the first place. husband says mean things to me. I feel as if they do not want me there. I ask either / both to do things and they always say no, but they will do the same with each other. I find myself behind the closed door of my room crying myself to sleep. I want to be a part of difficult child's life. I don't want to blow up at him. I feel bad when I do, but each new day difficult child will say something and it just sets me off. then I find myself saying things I don't mean. things that are just not very nice. Then I retreat again to my room. If I can sleep, then it just can't hurt as much. I miss my son. But I really don't think he wants me around.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi. (((Big hugs))). Hon, the cycle of allowing yourself to get sucked into what a sick child says is bad for you. Here's my suggestions. First of all, buy the book "The Explosive Child" YESTERDAY. Ross Green is the author. Then I'd wonder if the Lexapro isn't maybe making your child worse instead of better, since he's bipolar and antidepressants are often poison to kids with bipolar. Bipolar and depression are contradictory diagnoses as bipolar is both depression and mania and both need treatment--mania can cause these kids to get nasty, and antidepressants can trigger mania (and mania is NOT the happy clown it's portrayed on television! It includes irritability, aggression and even psychosis in some). Next I'd focus on myself. Forget about husband. You can't change him and, to be honest, how he treats your son is probably healthier for him. Your boy won't change until he's stable, and he's not, so punishing his sick behavior will only escalate it, as will getting into shouting matches with him. Bipolar only changes once the medications are right. I have it; I raged; I said the bad stuff; I've been there/done that. For you, I'd go to a psychiatrist and see if he could help. You may also need medication and therapy. If you truly can't control your reaction to your child, I'd say you absolutely do need to get help to make sure it doesn't cross the line into abuse and also because it's bad for YOU, and YOU count too! On top of reading "The Explosive Child" I'd also take "The Bipolar Child" by Dimitri and Janice Papalous out of the library (or buy it), so you can learn all about bipolar and how it affects kids and the medications (big chapter there on medications). Knowledge is power. Once the bipolar is medicated right, you should see a huge change. ODD just goes with the bipolar. It should go away once the bipolar is stabilized, or at least it should greatly improve. As a last suggestion, you may want to try marriage counseling.

 

[oceans]

It helps if adults in the house are on the same page as to creating a structured environment in the house. The structure will help difficult child, and the adults need to be on the same side in working towards difficult child's goals. Family therapy could be helpful, as well as individual for yourself.

Often, a medication change can make all the difference, and that could work together with a good, structured environment.

Find some programs in your community that might help you. Check with your local NAMI for classes and support groups.

You need to be around for your son. Search for the supports you need so that you can be there for him.

 

[Marguerite]

Somehow you have to stop yourself reacting. Stop CARING so much because in doing so you are giving his words power to hurt you. The more he knows this the more he will use it against you.

A big first step - stop battling him over homework. Is it helping? Doesn't sound like it. If you've tried and he's refusing, then let him fight the school over it. If the school rings you and nags you about his failure to do homework, make it clear that you are refusing to engage him on this topic any more. If the school requires the homework to be done and it's not being done, then the school will have to decide what to do. Frankly, in cases like this, I think schools should re-evaluate their expected outcomes. I really dislike the whole concept of homework because it discriminates against the kids who, for various reasons, have difficulties there (and not necessarily due to refusal). I used to have trouble with homework because I'd get home from school and often have to turn around and get dinner for a large family because my mother was in hospital again. Meanwhile other kids who also got home much sooner had a lot more time and more resources. It just varies too much. Of course there are some kids who refuse to do homework - there are many reasons for that too. With my boys - they simply couldn't concentrate after their medications have worn off for the day. We would have huge battles over homework and it was bliss when we stopped having to worry about it because all the work was at last getting done during school hours (when their medications were on board to help them concentrate).

Until you stop reacting, this is not going to improve. There is no magic pill that will suddenly turn him into an angel. Medication may help in some ways but not if you're reacting to him like this. You need to behave toward him as you would like him to behave toward you. If some battles always set you or him off, then simply don't have those battles. Basket C. Learn to walk away BEFORE you say the wrong thing, not after.

Forget about trying to change difficult child or husband - you're stuck with them as they are. All you can change is you. This will be what begins to change them, in their time.

Marg

 

[Estherfromjerusalem]

Kjs,

I hear what you are saying, and I wanted first of all to send you a hug.

Do you ever get out of the house -- to work, or to any sort of activity? It sounds to me as if your whole life is centered around the house -- or maybe I'm wrong? If so, ignore what I'm writing.

But if I'm right, maybe it might be a good idea to find some sort of activity outside the house, maybe one evening a week or something like that, where you could interact with completely different people. It could be anything -- sports, or handicraft, or just listening to interesting lectures. It's no good you just staying at home and going to your room and crying. I think what Marg said is so true -- the more he sees it gets to you, the more he is going to do it.

Try and find something that will help you put on your "warrior mom" armor. And remember -- you are not alone. We are all here for you.

Look after yourself. If you are strong, everything looks different. I know it's not easy.

Love, Esther

 

[busywend]

You just told us that you do the same thing again and again. Change it up. Do something different. You are not going to get different results if you do the same thing again and again.

 

[hearts and roses]

Ditto what everyone has already said. Just wanted to send you some gentle hugs -

 

[timer lady]

Kjs,

Sounds like your family is "stuck" right now. I agree with the others; time to break out of this cycle of old/negative behaviors & reactions to same.

Let school deal with homework. Please don't lose what little bit of family life you might enjoy go down the toilet.

Take a deep breath - you're in the midst of the journey. Sounds like it time to take "me" time & ground yourself.

Be gentle with yourself.

 

[Kjs]

I work midnight to noon three days a week. He goes online everymorning so we can talk. He didn't today so I called him. He was real cold and said he was just watching TV (hard to believe because he is always playing that stupid on-line game.)
Then he calls and says he doesn't have a ride to school. The driver called and told him her whole family is sick. So, I told him to ride his bike. He said no. So I told him to call dad. Who won't do anything. But if he tells him to go, he may go. I called back because we have another neighbor who coud do this. I asked him to call him. (they have a boy 2 years younger than difficult child) He told me no because their son is home sick. I asked how he know that did he already call. He said NO, we were both on the online game. So, he lied to me. Was online, but chose not to speak to me...That is how they make me feel. 24/7. I would rather just go to my room, lock the door and cry. They don't need me. He doesn't need a mother, he gets anything and everything he wants from his father. And his father believes him over me. Thinks I make things up. He would never go anywhere because the only one with problems is me!!!

 

[timer lady]

Kjs,

Again - it's a matter of changing what is going on. Will turning off the internet help? Make difficult child earn that priviledge.

Are you getting help for you? If you aren't strong & balanced it's very hard to make changes in family life.

Something to consider.

 

[lordhelpme]

(((HUGS)))

i know it is hard! sounds to me like you need someone to talk to outside of your family. i agree with-the therapy either for you or the whole family.

men are weird and sometimes i think they figure if you ignore it it will go away thus why deal with-the problem. you really need to get your husband on the same pg. it is hard and my husband says he can't change(oh but you expect difficult child to change?) and we often fight about the right way to deal with-difficult child(this after he has read the same material i have read).

take a deep breath and have a long serious conversation with-your husband. you cannot do this alone.

 

[BusynMember]

I still think you sound depressed, and may need treatment before you can change your behavior. Being bipolar myself, I'm not convinced, however, that how you react to your boy will change your son. However, there are ways to minimize the tension. I certainly wouldn't fight over homework! Does he have an IEP?

I've lived with bipolar and for me the right medications was 90% of the end of my behaviors that had alienated so many people. I was thrilled; I didn't want to be that person who said nasty things and was out of control. I can't speak for others, but therapy didn't help me one wit until I was stable. I couldn't do what the therapist said because I didn't have good control over my emotions/behavior and my perception was skewed. I'd defintely go for help myself. Wanting to stay in your room and sleep are signs of clinical depression, and, if YOU have a better outlook, things won't seem so grim. I don't think you can change husband or your son right now, but you can change yourself. Do YOU have any diagnosis?

 

[Marguerite]

MWM, you said, "Wanting to stay in your room and sleep are signs of clinical depression..."
I agree, but given her shifts it could be that, too. Mind you, having a sleep pattern out of kilter can also lead into depression or exacerbate it.

Kjs, he's a rebellious early teen. He doesn't want to feel he has to always be in your pocket. They do this, especially boys. They distance themselves emotionally. And you have to let them do this. If you try to cling they pull away more. If you let go, they're more likely to come back to you because they want to, not because you've still got your apron strings tied round their neck.

OK, he lied to you. They do this. It sounds to me like he was lying about a lot more than just being online. It also sounds to me like he considered it a small lie to say he'd been watching TV because he knew you wanted him to talk online and he didn't want to. Yet he chose to lie to you rather than hurt your feelings about it? Actually, a good sign, from your point of view. It means he's not always trying to do his darndest to hurt you.

I suspect he didn't want to go to school (all that overdue homework is a big reason) because surely not all those people would be ill! Besides, to find out that all those people would be unavailable to get him to school would have taken a lot more organisation that I suspect he was doing. If you're trying to get to school you don't play computer games and wait.

Kjs, you have a very stressful life. Your family, your job and also how you are handling it. If you learn a better way of coping emotionally you will still have a stressful life but you will not find it drags you down so much. And when you're not dragged down so much it makes it easier for some problems to be managed at least a little, which can reduce the stress a bit more.

You sound like you're going to pieces so fast people are getting hit by the schrapnel; while your husband is doing the opposite, almost reactively. he's almost going overboard in trying to balance your reactions, and staying as detached and apart as he can. neither is healthy. I don't think you have a lot of control over your actions right now (exhaustion can do that to people; add in depression and it becomes uncontrollable).

How are you coping at work? Are you holding it together there? Is work a respite for you? Or is it dragging you down there as well?

Esther was right, you need some "me" space in your life, probably apart from your job. Instead of crying in your room, go for a walk. If it's daytime, wear big sunglasses so nobody can see you crying. Pretend you're Paris Hilton incognito. Even if it's 4 am, take yourself for a walk. Take pen and paper with you (and a torch, if it's dark).

And take yourself to your doctor and talk about how you're feeling. I do think you need help for yourself, so you are better equipped to help your family.

You keep saying that your family doesn't need you, you may as well be gone and they probably wouldn't notice. If you really believe that is true, then it should be easy for you to take some time and walk away so you can help yourself for a little while. But I suspect you know it's not true, which is why you're driving yourself into the ground like this. You feel like you're watching a train wreck in slow motion.
Maybe you are. Maybe it's time for you to run and get help. It's not one person's job to stop a train wreck. And the rescuers have to be in peak condition, or they only end up hampering the whole rescue effort.

Get help for yourself. If it means they flounder for a while, so be it. Maybe they'll have a healthier respect for all you do, if for a short time you're less available to do it. Do not let anyone dump blame on you (especially not your family).

Marg

 

[kris]

<span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style="color: #6600CC"> kjs, i know you are feeling very overwhelmed & unsupported by your family. repeatedly members here have suggested that you might benefit from medication & some talk therapy. i'm sure it seems like just one more burden, but i think you really need to do this.

for the situation to change you have to change your direction & you need help to do that. fran used to say....frequently lol....that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over & expecting different results. it's an old say that carries so much truth with-it. in order to break your son's cycle you must first break your own.

i think giving up the homework battle is one of the hardest for us. greene puts homework in basket C (that's the stuff you just ignore). teachers hate when a parent does this....they view it as being unsupportive of them. however, your first priority must be your family & specifically the relationship with-your son. homework has become a huge battleground between you & difficult child & by extention husband. that must stop for any progress to be made.

to be brutally honest with-you if i were difficult child i wouldn't have engaged you via IM either. he knew that he would get yet another lecture about homework not done which would lead to arguments over other things. in a sense he was doing what we've recommended you do.....DETACH. it certainly didn't have the desired effect because it made you angry & hurt. .....and the cycle repeats....and repeats....and repeats.

please see your primary care doctor & ask about medications & a referral to a local therapist. husband is not going to try to break this cycle....he's not in it. that means it's up to you to make some changes.

right now the priority needs to be you....not difficult child. once you are in a better place then you can work on getting difficult child more stable. please, kjs, give it some serious thought.

kris </span> </span> </span>

 

[Lothlorien]

I agree with Kris, on this one. You need some help coping. Getting therapy is the first step. Get out, get exercise. Take care of yourself first. Get the book "Explosive Child" like Marg said. When you've gotten yourself squared away, get an IEP and talk to them about homework. He may fail this year and have to repeat.....that's on him. YOU take care of YOU right now, because you are not going to be able to help anyone until you are square with yourself.

Once you are good, encourage your spouse to get into family counseling. Apparently, someone, other than yourself, needs to point out that his lack of interest in your son and helping out is causing major family issues.

 

[Kjs]

I know all of this is true. I miss difficult child, I want to be there, but end up saying things and we both cry. I don't have the energy to get up. I have been seeing a therapist twice now. Mostly discussed difficult child. I am seeing a psychiatric. today. Only, I need some awful strong drug to make it stop hurting. Don't know how I will ever stop hurting or be happy. I can go out for a walk, sometimes middle of the night, sometimes middle of the day. Then I feel so guilty for leaving difficult child when he is home. so I go back and we fight and we cry and husband yells at me. I can go walk, and I can go to the gym. I just do not have the desire to do so. All I know is if I shut the door and sleep, it doesn't hurt.
Again this morning difficult child didn't go online. I called. Within 5 minutes we were both crying. I had to take a break and go for a ride. Called him back with the intention of telling him I love him, but he didn't answer. So, called his cell phone. He answered that but was crying very hard. And ofcourse at this point husband calls the house and he puts me down and answers that and I am sure I will get yelled at by husband tonight. Wish I could afford a hotel, then wouldn't have to get yelled at, and would not be yelling. Thanks for your advice. I believe it is just me. So, if I go away, the issues will to.

 

[Kjs]

I know all of this is true. I miss difficult child, I want to be there, but end up saying things and we both cry. I don't have the energy to get up. I have been seeing a therapist twice now. Mostly discussed difficult child. I am seeing a psychiatric. today. Only, I need some awful strong drug to make it stop hurting. Don't know how I will ever stop hurting or be happy. I can go out for a walk, sometimes middle of the night, sometimes middle of the day. Then I feel so guilty for leaving difficult child when he is home. so I go back and we fight and we cry and husband yells at me. I can go walk, and I can go to the gym. I just do not have the desire to do so. All I know is if I shut the door and sleep, it doesn't hurt.
Again this morning difficult child didn't go online. I called. Within 5 minutes we were both crying. I had to take a break and go for a ride. Called him back with the intention of telling him I love him, but he didn't answer. So, called his cell phone. He answered that but was crying very hard. And ofcourse at this point husband calls the house and he puts me down and answers that and I am sure I will get yelled at by husband tonight. Wish I could afford a hotel, then wouldn't have to get yelled at, and would not be yelling. Thanks for your advice. I believe it is just me. So, if I go away, the issues will to.

 

[Liahona]

How did the appointment go? I can relate about feeling very depressed. What drove me to a therapist and medication was sucidel thoughts. Now those are mostly gone and I can help my family more. I still have to fight the urge to sleep all the time. My husband and I don't see I to eye on some issues. Me going to therapy helped me get my feet under me to make some nessary changes in my relationship with husband. I used to blame myself and get mad at myself. husband made the comment awhile ago that I wasn't as mad at myself. I relpied, No now I'm mad at you. Which he wasn't thrilled with, but he wasn't being nice and instead of internalizing it I could put the blame where it belonged and get the problem fixed. It took months of going to therapy for me to get to that point though.