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I am so embarrassed
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 299403" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I went through this with both my girls (including easy child). It's very much an attitude of "I'm on show, I MUST be seen as an independent young adult, not needing a parent to chaperone me..." and I also got it when they had friends over. Surprisingly, easy child was the worst, she would put on an attitude when she had friends over, as if she was trying to show how SHE ruled the household and had me, her mother, dancing to HER tune. Trying to impress other people.</p><p></p><p>What I did - at first I ignored it (she IS supposed to be a easy child, after all) but finally I took her aside, away from an audience, and said, "Are you aware just how rude you are being? This is NOT acceptable. I am doing you the courtesy now, of calling you on it in privacy. I am choosing to not embarrass you in front of your friends, even though you are embarrassing me with your behaviour. And you MUST realise, your friends are nice people, they are intelligent and moral. They are embarrassed by your behaviour too, they are NOT impressed. I saw their faces - they didn't know where to look. I know Pete was grinning - it's a grin of embarrassment. So here's what we do - you acknowledge now that it was not the right way to behave. And from here on, watch yourself. Our code word from here will be 'showmanship'. If the code word doesn't work and nothing else will get through to you, next time you try to bignote yourself at my expense with anyone I will call you on it then and there, no matter who it is in front of or what is happening."</p><p></p><p>Warn the doctor that you will do this. If you can, ask if you can take a break from the consult and let the doctor take the next patient, while you drag difficult child out to somewhere more private and call her on her behaviour. Then when you've read her the riot act, go back in and wait to see the doctor again to do the consult properly.</p><p></p><p>A lot of this behaviour comes from anxiety - rather than seem fearful and out of control, the kid gets rude and aggressive in trying to prove that they're brave and not fearful. Sometimes it's the more direct aggressive reaction of fear and frustration, but that's not what this sounds like; this sounds more like the "If I can prove I'm in control of my mother, then people won't think I'm a scaredy-cat wimp of a little kid."</p><p></p><p>And it's not just kids - adults will do this too. I've made doctor appointments on demand with adults in my life (a parent or similar) who says, "I must see the doctor about X problem, will you make the appointment for me while you're there?" and then when I take them to the doctor, the person then says, "I don't know whay I'm here. Marg was getting fussy and wanted me to see you, I really don't think there's anything wrong."</p><p></p><p>It's a combination of anxiety, and a need to present a certain view to the world, even to people we need to NOT put up a brave front for.</p><p></p><p>And kids are not as good at doing it politely. Kids use the "whatevveerrrr!" attitude to indicate bravado and couldn't-care-less I-can-handle-anything, instead of honesty and "I need help - please!"</p><p></p><p>The longer you clash heads on it without directly dealing with the underlying issues (the kid is really anxious but desperate to not let it show, even to a doctor - which is stupid) then the more entrenched the problem behaviour will become. If you can handle it discreetly to begin with and make it clear that you didn't HAVE to be discreet - she might get the message. She WILL do it again, because it rapidly becomes a habit. If you can give her enough rope she may well (privately) agree she shouldn't have behaved like that, didn't know what got into her... but it also depends on just how deep is the oppositional habit.</p><p></p><p>But don't let it ride. You deserve to be treated with the same respect you show to her.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 299403, member: 1991"] I went through this with both my girls (including easy child). It's very much an attitude of "I'm on show, I MUST be seen as an independent young adult, not needing a parent to chaperone me..." and I also got it when they had friends over. Surprisingly, easy child was the worst, she would put on an attitude when she had friends over, as if she was trying to show how SHE ruled the household and had me, her mother, dancing to HER tune. Trying to impress other people. What I did - at first I ignored it (she IS supposed to be a easy child, after all) but finally I took her aside, away from an audience, and said, "Are you aware just how rude you are being? This is NOT acceptable. I am doing you the courtesy now, of calling you on it in privacy. I am choosing to not embarrass you in front of your friends, even though you are embarrassing me with your behaviour. And you MUST realise, your friends are nice people, they are intelligent and moral. They are embarrassed by your behaviour too, they are NOT impressed. I saw their faces - they didn't know where to look. I know Pete was grinning - it's a grin of embarrassment. So here's what we do - you acknowledge now that it was not the right way to behave. And from here on, watch yourself. Our code word from here will be 'showmanship'. If the code word doesn't work and nothing else will get through to you, next time you try to bignote yourself at my expense with anyone I will call you on it then and there, no matter who it is in front of or what is happening." Warn the doctor that you will do this. If you can, ask if you can take a break from the consult and let the doctor take the next patient, while you drag difficult child out to somewhere more private and call her on her behaviour. Then when you've read her the riot act, go back in and wait to see the doctor again to do the consult properly. A lot of this behaviour comes from anxiety - rather than seem fearful and out of control, the kid gets rude and aggressive in trying to prove that they're brave and not fearful. Sometimes it's the more direct aggressive reaction of fear and frustration, but that's not what this sounds like; this sounds more like the "If I can prove I'm in control of my mother, then people won't think I'm a scaredy-cat wimp of a little kid." And it's not just kids - adults will do this too. I've made doctor appointments on demand with adults in my life (a parent or similar) who says, "I must see the doctor about X problem, will you make the appointment for me while you're there?" and then when I take them to the doctor, the person then says, "I don't know whay I'm here. Marg was getting fussy and wanted me to see you, I really don't think there's anything wrong." It's a combination of anxiety, and a need to present a certain view to the world, even to people we need to NOT put up a brave front for. And kids are not as good at doing it politely. Kids use the "whatevveerrrr!" attitude to indicate bravado and couldn't-care-less I-can-handle-anything, instead of honesty and "I need help - please!" The longer you clash heads on it without directly dealing with the underlying issues (the kid is really anxious but desperate to not let it show, even to a doctor - which is stupid) then the more entrenched the problem behaviour will become. If you can handle it discreetly to begin with and make it clear that you didn't HAVE to be discreet - she might get the message. She WILL do it again, because it rapidly becomes a habit. If you can give her enough rope she may well (privately) agree she shouldn't have behaved like that, didn't know what got into her... but it also depends on just how deep is the oppositional habit. But don't let it ride. You deserve to be treated with the same respect you show to her. Marg [/QUOTE]
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