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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 317323" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>What a sad situation. My heart goes to you and your husband. Also, to your kids. It can't be easy for them. Yes they had the chance to have loving adoptive parents, yet they can remember whatever their life was like before you and your husband. It is common actually for kids adopted at that age to search for their birth parents. Sadly, it is not usually the dreamed of reunion that they want. so much damage in such short lives. I imagine it must be so difficult to have worked so hard for these kids, and to see them derailing. (((hugs)))</p><p></p><p>I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say that I too have had family turn when they didn't see the big picture. They dont' live our lives, they don't understand. Words and opinions (uneducated opinions at that!) can really hurt.</p><p></p><p>I wanted to offer perhaps a grain of hope??? I was raised in foster care. I was not adopted. Actually I was flung back to my mother over and over. Brief stays. Some as short as a single day before back to foster care. So really, the contact with her was limited to about 3 months over a period of years and years. Yet I wanted her to want me, to love me, to mother me. Nothing could break that determination. I was extremelly spiteful and discarding of the love shown me and the family offered me when I finally was placed in my umpteenth foster placement. They considered me their adoptive daughter. Only because the court stubbornely refused to sever my mothers rights completely was I not eligible for adoption. For all intent and purposes, my fosters did adopt me. They stood by as best they could as I reached out for my mother over and over. While I turned angry and into a ball of pain that was ruining my own life. Boy did I work hard to break their attachment to me. If it wasn't my mother, i didn't want it. </p><p></p><p>But .... I grew up. I gained adult insight. I learned who and what my mother was. I can't say I ever really stopped hoping my mother would get a grip and have a adult mother/daughter relationship. however, I knew/know better. And I have the most loving relationship with my foster mom now. I'm mid 30's, and still consider her my mom. She laughs in hindsight at how hard I worked to reject all but my real mother. But boy did she cry alot of tears for me and because of me. Maturing helped me gain the insight I needed. It was a long road for those who did love me. I know they had visions of a horrible future for me and quite frankly, so did I. However it was all caused by massive pain and loss and feelings of worthlessness and abandonment. No amount of love at that age would replace for me what I wanted from my bio mother. It is human nature really. But as I grew up, I saw where family can GROW. Can be created. From those who CHOOSE to be there for us. And voila. A wonderful loving family exists today because she did not give up on me. She did let me go when I ran fast and hard away from her and into a pit of my own stupidity. But she was there when I returned with my arms finally open to her. </p><p></p><p>(((hugs))) I hope your story has a good ending.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 317323, member: 4264"] What a sad situation. My heart goes to you and your husband. Also, to your kids. It can't be easy for them. Yes they had the chance to have loving adoptive parents, yet they can remember whatever their life was like before you and your husband. It is common actually for kids adopted at that age to search for their birth parents. Sadly, it is not usually the dreamed of reunion that they want. so much damage in such short lives. I imagine it must be so difficult to have worked so hard for these kids, and to see them derailing. (((hugs))) I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say that I too have had family turn when they didn't see the big picture. They dont' live our lives, they don't understand. Words and opinions (uneducated opinions at that!) can really hurt. I wanted to offer perhaps a grain of hope??? I was raised in foster care. I was not adopted. Actually I was flung back to my mother over and over. Brief stays. Some as short as a single day before back to foster care. So really, the contact with her was limited to about 3 months over a period of years and years. Yet I wanted her to want me, to love me, to mother me. Nothing could break that determination. I was extremelly spiteful and discarding of the love shown me and the family offered me when I finally was placed in my umpteenth foster placement. They considered me their adoptive daughter. Only because the court stubbornely refused to sever my mothers rights completely was I not eligible for adoption. For all intent and purposes, my fosters did adopt me. They stood by as best they could as I reached out for my mother over and over. While I turned angry and into a ball of pain that was ruining my own life. Boy did I work hard to break their attachment to me. If it wasn't my mother, i didn't want it. But .... I grew up. I gained adult insight. I learned who and what my mother was. I can't say I ever really stopped hoping my mother would get a grip and have a adult mother/daughter relationship. however, I knew/know better. And I have the most loving relationship with my foster mom now. I'm mid 30's, and still consider her my mom. She laughs in hindsight at how hard I worked to reject all but my real mother. But boy did she cry alot of tears for me and because of me. Maturing helped me gain the insight I needed. It was a long road for those who did love me. I know they had visions of a horrible future for me and quite frankly, so did I. However it was all caused by massive pain and loss and feelings of worthlessness and abandonment. No amount of love at that age would replace for me what I wanted from my bio mother. It is human nature really. But as I grew up, I saw where family can GROW. Can be created. From those who CHOOSE to be there for us. And voila. A wonderful loving family exists today because she did not give up on me. She did let me go when I ran fast and hard away from her and into a pit of my own stupidity. But she was there when I returned with my arms finally open to her. (((hugs))) I hope your story has a good ending. [/QUOTE]
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