Hang in there, Dara. Do get some counselling for yourself - it's times like this that I've sought it out and been glad of it.
We went through a rough patch in 1997 when my specialist was trying to get me into hospital for evaluation and 'a rest'. I'd have my bag packed but the hospital bed was never available when promised, so things were very unsettled. Then we had an appointment to get our three younger kids assessed, all at the same time. I wanted them seen together because I felt some of it was familial and some of it wasn't, I wanted the doctors to see how they interacted. And the kids specialist told us that morning that difficult child 3 had autism plus ADHD; difficult child 1 had Asperger's plus ADHD; easy child 2/difficult child 2 had some traits of Asperger's but not enough for a diagnosis but DID also have ADD. We were in shock as we left.
Then before we'd turned the corner of the street my mobile phone rang - a hospital bed was available and why wasn't I in it? husband had to drop me off at the hospital, then go home to get my bag and bring it back. He then rang work to take the several weeks' compassionate leave he'd pre-arranged.
So at a time when we really needed to lean on each other, to get things happening for the kids, we were apart with me stuck in hospital having tests and put through my paces on treadmills etc.
Dara, it was tough. husband immediately organised some counselling for himself (I was getting some, in hospital). Unfortunately, the GP who offered to provide counselling for husband was a total loonie who told husband that I was the problem, which got husband really angry (and was totally unhelpful).
What helped us the most - I got busy. Even from a hospital bed, there was a lot I could do. And I needed to feel in control, at a time when our lives seemed so out of control.
I arranged to have a phone in my room (local calls only). I used it to organise academic assessments for difficult child 1, and to set up family therapy and further assessment for difficult child 3. I couldn't be there so they put me on the speaker phone in the room while husband and the kids were there, with the team from the clinic. It helped husband to know I was involved and putting my brain power in as well, right when he was feeling overwhelmed and alone. And it helped me feel as if I had some use left in me.
My current diagnosis - after 24 years it's STILL vague, but my neurologist treats me as if it's MS. Luckily my eyes are OK. I find ways to do what I can do, to get around problems. With other things, I organise to get them done.
My mother-in-law at the time was still grieving for father in law, who had died not long before. Neither of them had ever been happy with the idea of counselling, so we had to keep that quiet from them. I hated the need for secrecy, also knowing that it was even harder for husband to keep secrets from his parents.
When the diagnosis came, mother in law went into total denial. There was nothing wrong with our kids that a bit of parental control and a good smack wouldn't fix. So we got advice, loads of it. Over and over. I didn't have my own parents to talk to. easy child was also trying to hold us all together, which is a huge burden for a fifteen-year-old. When difficult child 3 got croup while I was in hospital, it was easy child who went in the ambulance with him because husband had to drive the car in, so they could get back home afterwards. With all the denial, the potential for arguments and everything else, husband just kept his mother out of the loop because it was easier that way. This still caused problems because mother in law was very needy (genuine need) and had been used to us visiting her almost every weekend to do odd jobs for her, fix things, spend time with her etc. Suddenly she was being ignored. Not easy at all.
Dara, we managed. It was painful at times but we came out the other side of it all and we've settled into a good routine.
As for mother in law - we finally moved her from her remote town to live literally around the corner from us. I was a bit apprehensive about it but knew it would have to be easier on us than driving for two hours or more every weekend, to do repairs on a house that was falling down anyway.
And since she has moved in nearby, she sees a lot more of us. For a while she would chide difficult child 3 (in front of us) and correct him for behaviour which we'd definitely put in Basket C. We were expected to back her up when he exploded as a result. It wasn't easy, because she didn't want to listen. But with time, and as she began to not feel so tense around us, she saw for herself what we deal with and how we handle it.
Something I've found with my mother in law - when she's anxious, feeling like she might have stepped on my toes, she handles it in a different way. At first she seems to get defiant, almost in anticipation of the chance of me or husband criticising her actions (even if we don't say anything). Then she gets nervous and defensive and in the process can be more offensive also, getting very prickly.
So I use Explosive Child techniques on her - without her knowing. If she wants to talk politics, for example (and our political views are diametrically opposed, yet she seems to want us to agree with her) I just tell her we will have to agree to differ and I change the subject. I just refuse to engage.
She hates counselling, she says that all psychiatrists and psychologists are charlatans, frauds and fakes out to twist every word you say. In her mind, there is no difference between psychiatrists, psychologists and counsellors. Her reasons - back when she worked as a nurse, psychiatry was very different and much more hit-and-miss. So I explained cognitive behaviour therapy to her (without using the name) and she said it sounded very sensible. "Why can't you get easy child 2/difficult child 2 to see someone like that?" she asked me, "Instead of some idiot psychologist."
Slowly mother in law has come around to accept the dxes and in most cases, our management of it. She even keeps newspaper clippings for me, she reads up on it and explains about autism to her friends when they ask. She has come around from being critical of our parenting and our ill-mannered children, to being our biggest champion.
It hasn't been easy. I bite my tongue a lot. I change the subject a lot. But I also have worked at reassuring her and being her friend, which she has needed. The rest - I answer her questions when she asks but it's Basket B with her, I back off and change the subject before she goes into meltdown.
I also had no expectations of her ever changing. By having no expectations, then every bit of change we HAVE seen, is something we really value.
Dara, you need to find your support elsewhere for a while, not from mother in law. Chances are you could ask her to babysit for you and if she did, she could handle your kids in a way you feel makes them worse. It's what in-laws so often do, in their zeal to show us how it SHOULD be done.
In-laws aren't bad people. They raised a person you love very much, so there must be something right about them, somewhere. But a lot of in-laws believe implicitly that they are more experienced at parenting than we are, simply because they are older. What many people forget is that we are NEVER too old to need to learn anything new. We should always learn something new every day and recognise we will n ever know it all. If they approach grandparenting in this way, they will be valuable indeed to their families.
If nothing else, Dara, learn from your mother in law how to NOT grandparent, when your time comes to have grandkids.
In the meantime, get yourselves some counselling - individually, and together. It's you and your family must weather this, and frankly you know better than anyone else what you need. You just might need help in accessing that knowledge and those resources within yourself.
Getting busy doing things to confront the problems - that can reduce your stress more than you might think.
Dump on us when you need to - you have a right to dump.
Marg
