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I can't stop crying.....
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 710238" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>That is too bad it went the way it did with birthmother. Thats a trauma. They had an emotional bond even if they never met...it is normal for adopted adults to seek out their birthfamilies. I even offered to help my asian daughter find her birthmother or siblings, if she has some. I met youngest daughters older brother and birthmother and I love her like i adore, cherish and love my daughter. We will see one another again. Jumper has read emails from her and has been a super adjusted kid ever since her other mother (yes, they feel they have two) explained the adoption. </p><p></p><p>Goneboy has his birth relatives from Asia on his FB as friends. Im glad. He never bonded with us. Im sure he met them as he is wealthy and has traveled a lot. He did not ask to spend six years in an orphanage or be unable to bond with us as his family. I hope he is at peace...he was once so angry.</p><p></p><p>Adopted kids have extra problems, even the well adjusted ones. I have a suggestion that may work, may not, but I would have no problem doing it myself so I will see if you can use it. Remember, our adult kids dont belong to us. They are their own people. Why not send one more message to your daughter telling her you would like to throw a "getting to know you" party for her birth family. I know it was uncomfortable at the funeral, but that seemed to have started the problems with your daughter. Plus it was a funeral. Be the bigger person and reach out. She may already be seeing them.</p><p></p><p> She shouldnt have to hide it if she is. That can cause resentment and distance. And you may like them once you get to know them. The days of closed adoptions are over with social media. Even kids born in China can find birth relatives. And I dont think its bad. But adoptive parents need to adjust. Like us.</p><p></p><p>I read once that half the childten who are in counseling are adopted. Or I think I did. It was significant. My BFF in my younger years had been adopted and did not rest until she found who she looked like. Her birth mother and there were three siblings by birth too.</p><p></p><p> It was rough at first but eventually she developed a close relationship with most of her birth family. Nobody had known about her so it shocked them at first.</p><p></p><p>Her mother who had raised her (in my opinion her real mother) never befriended them which caused my friend to see them on the sneak. She had so much wanted her mothers to hug one another, but it never happened. That disappointed her.</p><p></p><p>My friend gave me so much insight and advice before I actually adopted my kids. My kids knew they could always talk to her privately too. She was and is a blessing in our lives. And she always knew what I should say regarding my beloved children's adoptions when questions came up.</p><p></p><p>I think maybe therapy could help you figure this out and cope better and show you a different way to reach out to your daughter. Make sure, if you do this, that the therapist understands adoption...has many adoptees in the practice.</p><p></p><p>So many hugs and so much love to you. We want them to forget they came from another family because we love them as if we'd given birth to them. But for them they love us, but it is different. I am positive Jumper, Princess and Sonic love me so much. That doesnt mean I think they forgot they have a birthfamily. And thats okay.</p><p></p><p>Please be good to yourself. Your daughter has a harder path to walk...but not because of you. I do agree that begging backfires. Please dont do it. Get therapy and maybe in the end this will make your relationship with your daughter eventually stronger!! Try very hard to help yourself and reach out, reach out, reach out.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 710238, member: 1550"] That is too bad it went the way it did with birthmother. Thats a trauma. They had an emotional bond even if they never met...it is normal for adopted adults to seek out their birthfamilies. I even offered to help my asian daughter find her birthmother or siblings, if she has some. I met youngest daughters older brother and birthmother and I love her like i adore, cherish and love my daughter. We will see one another again. Jumper has read emails from her and has been a super adjusted kid ever since her other mother (yes, they feel they have two) explained the adoption. Goneboy has his birth relatives from Asia on his FB as friends. Im glad. He never bonded with us. Im sure he met them as he is wealthy and has traveled a lot. He did not ask to spend six years in an orphanage or be unable to bond with us as his family. I hope he is at peace...he was once so angry. Adopted kids have extra problems, even the well adjusted ones. I have a suggestion that may work, may not, but I would have no problem doing it myself so I will see if you can use it. Remember, our adult kids dont belong to us. They are their own people. Why not send one more message to your daughter telling her you would like to throw a "getting to know you" party for her birth family. I know it was uncomfortable at the funeral, but that seemed to have started the problems with your daughter. Plus it was a funeral. Be the bigger person and reach out. She may already be seeing them. She shouldnt have to hide it if she is. That can cause resentment and distance. And you may like them once you get to know them. The days of closed adoptions are over with social media. Even kids born in China can find birth relatives. And I dont think its bad. But adoptive parents need to adjust. Like us. I read once that half the childten who are in counseling are adopted. Or I think I did. It was significant. My BFF in my younger years had been adopted and did not rest until she found who she looked like. Her birth mother and there were three siblings by birth too. It was rough at first but eventually she developed a close relationship with most of her birth family. Nobody had known about her so it shocked them at first. Her mother who had raised her (in my opinion her real mother) never befriended them which caused my friend to see them on the sneak. She had so much wanted her mothers to hug one another, but it never happened. That disappointed her. My friend gave me so much insight and advice before I actually adopted my kids. My kids knew they could always talk to her privately too. She was and is a blessing in our lives. And she always knew what I should say regarding my beloved children's adoptions when questions came up. I think maybe therapy could help you figure this out and cope better and show you a different way to reach out to your daughter. Make sure, if you do this, that the therapist understands adoption...has many adoptees in the practice. So many hugs and so much love to you. We want them to forget they came from another family because we love them as if we'd given birth to them. But for them they love us, but it is different. I am positive Jumper, Princess and Sonic love me so much. That doesnt mean I think they forgot they have a birthfamily. And thats okay. Please be good to yourself. Your daughter has a harder path to walk...but not because of you. I do agree that begging backfires. Please dont do it. Get therapy and maybe in the end this will make your relationship with your daughter eventually stronger!! Try very hard to help yourself and reach out, reach out, reach out. [/QUOTE]
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