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I can't stop crying.....
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 710247" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Welcome.I have an adopted son who is now 28. I brought him home when he was about 22 months old.</p><p></p><p>Our relationship was close and fulfilling until he was about 16. Then it became conflictual and difficult for a number of years. Now it is getting better.</p><p></p><p>First, because it is this way now does not mean it will stay that way.</p><p>Almost all kids in our culture go through a period of negotiating an adult identity away from their parents. For adoptive kids it is way more complicated. All adoptive children I have known have some sense of abandonment and rejection and anger (or longing), towards their birth parents. They project this (fair or no) onto their adoptive parents, who take in hit in lieu of the birth parents, who are unavailable.</p><p></p><p>We as their parents must learn to tolerate this, because that is both in our own interests and most importantly in the interest of our children. You can tolerate this.</p><p></p><p>All of us have needs met through loving and being loved by our children. But we must find the personal resources to deal with their growing up. Nothing about this is fair. But this is a developmental stage. For us and for them.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry you are hurting. I believe you can turn this around if you look at yourself, and take the focus off your daughter. Let her be in charge of her, and you in charge of you, for now.</p><p></p><p>I think therapy might be a good idea. You might want to think about Al Anon or Coda as well. For the last 6 months I have worked with a spiritual director in my faith. I have found it immeasurably rewarding in dealing with pain and stress vis a vis my son, understanding intergenerational influences, deepening and strengthening my faith, and knowing myself and my deepest yearnings from life. Sometimes what are crisis points can be the source of deepest meaning.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 710247, member: 18958"] Welcome.I have an adopted son who is now 28. I brought him home when he was about 22 months old. Our relationship was close and fulfilling until he was about 16. Then it became conflictual and difficult for a number of years. Now it is getting better. First, because it is this way now does not mean it will stay that way. Almost all kids in our culture go through a period of negotiating an adult identity away from their parents. For adoptive kids it is way more complicated. All adoptive children I have known have some sense of abandonment and rejection and anger (or longing), towards their birth parents. They project this (fair or no) onto their adoptive parents, who take in hit in lieu of the birth parents, who are unavailable. We as their parents must learn to tolerate this, because that is both in our own interests and most importantly in the interest of our children. You can tolerate this. All of us have needs met through loving and being loved by our children. But we must find the personal resources to deal with their growing up. Nothing about this is fair. But this is a developmental stage. For us and for them. I am sorry you are hurting. I believe you can turn this around if you look at yourself, and take the focus off your daughter. Let her be in charge of her, and you in charge of you, for now. I think therapy might be a good idea. You might want to think about Al Anon or Coda as well. For the last 6 months I have worked with a spiritual director in my faith. I have found it immeasurably rewarding in dealing with pain and stress vis a vis my son, understanding intergenerational influences, deepening and strengthening my faith, and knowing myself and my deepest yearnings from life. Sometimes what are crisis points can be the source of deepest meaning. [/QUOTE]
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