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I can't stop crying.....
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 710266" data-attributes="member: 4152"><p>some more thoughts...</p><p>That boundary thing Copa mentioned is soooo true. I had a very close relationship with my Mom. I'm an "only child." I was amazed at myself when during my senior year of high school, I would get angry at her for no apparent reason. I was grouchy and weird and I couldn't seem to stop myself. I can also be (almost oddly...lol) observant. I observed that MANY of my friends during this time frame were arguing with their parents. It is a major time of life (there are probably others) where young people separate from their parents and is actually healthy to do.</p><p></p><p>Now, your daughter has some extra baggage due to the adoption and the bio mom's suicide. You may have accidentally slightly contributed (key words...accidentally and slightly) because you have been so present/kind/giving and she has felt pressure to perform or do your bidding and now her desire to separate has become some kind of odd force.</p><p></p><p>You also may have been a tad enmeshed with your daughter since it took so long to have a daughter and so forth.</p><p></p><p>I know a relative of mine with a similar experience. His mom didn't have him until she was forty and considered him a miracle. And she wasn't able to have any other children. No, he didn't react the way your daughter is reacting. BUT, he often expressed that he felt pressured to be "perfect" due to this and related things and he is actually a little bitter about it.</p><p></p><p>Definitely see a therapist and maybe often for awhile. This is a hugely difficult and painful thing. Don't worry that you've already let her know how hurt you are. If you think what I or others have said might be a healthy thing to do...tone it down regarding what you tell her esp. in terms of your pain.</p><p>It just brings her more guilt and confusion. She likely doesn't fully understand what is happening to her and you telling her she is causing you great pain will only likely anger her.</p><p></p><p>It is absolutely not fair and insane...but that is part of parenting. And, sadly, it seems more common with adopted children. I'm not saying be a big liar, but I definitely feel you should tone it down. And, you mentioned your husband is hurting terribly as well and can't always handle this much grief.</p><p></p><p>This is what therapists are for. This is a LOT. It will take time and help, but you will get through this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 710266, member: 4152"] some more thoughts... That boundary thing Copa mentioned is soooo true. I had a very close relationship with my Mom. I'm an "only child." I was amazed at myself when during my senior year of high school, I would get angry at her for no apparent reason. I was grouchy and weird and I couldn't seem to stop myself. I can also be (almost oddly...lol) observant. I observed that MANY of my friends during this time frame were arguing with their parents. It is a major time of life (there are probably others) where young people separate from their parents and is actually healthy to do. Now, your daughter has some extra baggage due to the adoption and the bio mom's suicide. You may have accidentally slightly contributed (key words...accidentally and slightly) because you have been so present/kind/giving and she has felt pressure to perform or do your bidding and now her desire to separate has become some kind of odd force. You also may have been a tad enmeshed with your daughter since it took so long to have a daughter and so forth. I know a relative of mine with a similar experience. His mom didn't have him until she was forty and considered him a miracle. And she wasn't able to have any other children. No, he didn't react the way your daughter is reacting. BUT, he often expressed that he felt pressured to be "perfect" due to this and related things and he is actually a little bitter about it. Definitely see a therapist and maybe often for awhile. This is a hugely difficult and painful thing. Don't worry that you've already let her know how hurt you are. If you think what I or others have said might be a healthy thing to do...tone it down regarding what you tell her esp. in terms of your pain. It just brings her more guilt and confusion. She likely doesn't fully understand what is happening to her and you telling her she is causing you great pain will only likely anger her. It is absolutely not fair and insane...but that is part of parenting. And, sadly, it seems more common with adopted children. I'm not saying be a big liar, but I definitely feel you should tone it down. And, you mentioned your husband is hurting terribly as well and can't always handle this much grief. This is what therapists are for. This is a LOT. It will take time and help, but you will get through this. [/QUOTE]
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