Ok so my oldest difficult child is not so much difficult child as she used to be but can still be a major pita at times. She is in a major depressive cycle it seems after being stable for a very long time (years). It appears this has been triggered by a variety of things: teen angst/peers middle difficult child's behaviors and her inability to cope with it (none of us quite frankly are able to right now because it's that bad) lack of things to "stimulate her"/things to/participate in (but in fairness she also kind of "doesn't want to do anything that is suggested to her - not interested) her boyfriend lives out in CA (he is a college student - good upstanding guy and good for her) but they do talk on the phone or IM every day and sometimes online She is seriously questioning life and the purpose of it "why are we here if we are only going to die anyway?" (she used to believe in God and no longer does - nothing we can say helps her as far as purposes or finding purpose) Back in September I found out that she half hearted attempted suicide by taking a few extra of her stimulant pills (which she doesn't have access to as a general rule simply because we give them to her in the morning by her choice for years now, not because she can't be trusted). This shocked and surprised me because she is against suicide and still is as she states that "if she knew that it didn't have snowball effect on everyone left behind" she would commit it (so is she really against it or not?). She says she will never do so, ever because she is too afraid of dying and the unknown of what happens after death too at this point. I think I am pretty well convinced she is against it and too scared to do so by all the discussions and statements she's made. I also just found out that about a month and a half ago she was cutting herself (down her one leg). No serious cuts but definite marks that are going to leave some scars. Now we have this rule/understanding that I made clear since she began early teens that she is in my house and so long as she is I will go through her room, computer, etc. and check on her. That all things are privy to me. You all might disagree on this with me as an invasion of privacy but she agreed and still does agree that it's ok. She also knows that I will not and do not use what I find against her but to help her (and each time I have found something negative that is exactly what I have done) to protect/teach her as best I can. With having said the above, I found in an IM message that she just recently cut again slightly her palm. Add to this that I also see that she will take Tylenol at times (not in excessive amounts but still not as it should be taken). Ok, so we have been talking about all this and she has been asking to go "talk" to someone for help! She is my gifted child. She knows she has a problem and wants help and I am so proud of her for it. Yet at the same time feel so, so badly that I can't be of more help to her then I am. It hurts! I have called to set her up with the Dr. that takes care of her medications and difficult child has even agreed to play Russian rullette to find a new combo that may help (which in the past she has outright refused to do because of the horrible past experience so many years ago - think back for you old timers when I used to post about all the bad things that went on- she remembers all of it and knows it was medication related to a degree). We've also started her on birth control at her request. Well, this new addition of birth control is partly for stabilizing the moods it's also to bring about "regularity" but she is also concerned that "maybe", "in case" in the future she and boyfriend (when he comes and visits" ) decide to do something. She knows I do not condone sexual activity (and yes gave her the protection talk as well that she needs more then just the pill) and am not advocating her to do so and wishes she would wait but am proud of her for being pro-active. Here's another shocker is that she has all these sexual thoughts (I thought only boys at this age had them?). I'm am seriously very happy that my daughter trusts me enough to generally tell me and talk to me openly about most everything (I admit there are some things I know she doesn't). She will also talk with SO about things as well (with and without me). SO is extremely intelligent himself and they can connect on so many other levels and interests that I can not with her too so that helps (like school work - algebra II and tougher stuff). She is an all honors student (yet won't join the honor society which she has an opportunity to do and refuses) and next year will be in all AP class student. I wondered if school pressure (academics) was part of this and she says not at all. I know she is having anxiety of thinking about college (not about going to it necessarily but about choosing). That IS an overwhelming thought. Since she will only be a junior next year and with AP courses that year and the next I think she will have successfully completed something like the first year or two entry of college before actually starting college if I understood about the AP class thing (it's early entry program to college). Now for the baffling thing. She is respectful yet disrespectful to me at times. The disrespect comes in terms of using foul language in my house when I've asked her not to (especially because the younger ones are picking it up and using it). She does follow rules for the most part (she will stay up to late or on phone/computer too long some times and then we have to ground her but that doesn't happen too often, usually a reminder brings her back under control). We just can't seem to talk. I mean I know I said she will talk to me about anything and she does, when she wants to. But in general on a daily basis it's a constant battle it seems to the point that I actually avoid talking to her because it turns into a fight and it seems like I am the one she blames. It's all "my fault" in what ever it is. I know down right it isn't. I'm thinking perhaps maybe it's just because I'm "safe" right now for her to take out her frustrations on and she knows I will love her unconditionally and so everything is a battle (general conversations, etc..)? I can ask her to do something and "if" she is in a good mood at the moment there is no battle or fight and she will be quite happy and willing to do it. If not, well she gets nasty and...... Oh and one more thing, in her IM's I read she told her one friend that the reason she cuts or all the other negative things she's done recently (pills,etc.. --- she considers herself emo) is because she seems to pick up what others do and then she just imitates it subconsciously?! Is this possible? Possible that she can even identify that she is doing this subconsciously? Now remember, this is the difficult child that previously was diagnosed years ago with Bipolar. They have since dropped the ODD on her. I will say she does have some sensory (smells and sounds) issues too. By her own admission, she enjoys pain (Ladies, she will wax her legs because she "likes" the pain! for example). She was stable for many years if the diagnosis stands, if not then I'm wondering what the hecks going on. She has become very interested in psychology (enough that she has contemplated going into it for a career at one point but now I think it's back to bio-science). She came to me and said "I think I fit borderline personality disorder". I said don't get caught up in diagnosis because they can overlap and you just don't know. Leave it to the doctor (which she is). She is, however, very very black and white in her thinking and has ALWAYS been that way. There is no gray. So there is my vent. Sorry it's so long. I'm just struggling with this while I'm struggling with middle difficult child's behaviors (which quite frankly are actually far more dangerous and troubling and causing more trouble for all and everywhere), plus my own health issues which are pretty deep. SO is wonderful in helping but even he has been worn down now and his job has heeped on serious stress so he hasn't been able to do/help as much as he normally does (which makes him feel really bad - and he is such a dear man). I know and AM happy for where difficult child is at over all but geesh.......... she's thrown me a real curve ball !