I don't like my difficult child
- Thread starter Nancy
- Start date
tiredmommy
Well-Known Member
Nancy,
I'm so sorry your difficult child is once again being so hateful to you. I know there is nothing that takes away that particular pain away. I hope you can rally and begin to feel stronger, no one deserves to feel the way you do tonight.
I'm so sorry your difficult child is once again being so hateful to you. I know there is nothing that takes away that particular pain away. I hope you can rally and begin to feel stronger, no one deserves to feel the way you do tonight.
DDD
Well-Known Member
My 16 year old is "on a rip" lately also. It doesn't hurt my
feelings as much as it makes me angry....and I am not the angry
type. I think I have been parenting too long! I told him the
other day that he is the 8th child and NONE of them have ever
spoken to me the way he does. His reply?? "I must be the only
honest one." Charming! :grrr: DDD
feelings as much as it makes me angry....and I am not the angry
type. I think I have been parenting too long! I told him the
other day that he is the 8th child and NONE of them have ever
spoken to me the way he does. His reply?? "I must be the only
honest one." Charming! :grrr: DDD
Nancy,
I'm so sorry that your difficult child is acting up again. She was doing so well for awhile.
I don't know if this is any comfort to you but I felt the same way about my difficult child at your difficult child's age.
She was just acted so ugly to us and made it so hard to see the good person she still was inside. But she has outgrown that awful stage and has become loving to us again. We have come very far in repairing a relationship that I thought at one point might be beyond repair.
The downside to this story is that it took until she was 21 and some tough love on our part.
I truly think that you will have a good relationship with your difficult child someday. If you can only survive the difficult child teenage years. . .
~Kathy
I'm so sorry that your difficult child is acting up again. She was doing so well for awhile.
I don't know if this is any comfort to you but I felt the same way about my difficult child at your difficult child's age.
She was just acted so ugly to us and made it so hard to see the good person she still was inside. But she has outgrown that awful stage and has become loving to us again. We have come very far in repairing a relationship that I thought at one point might be beyond repair.
The downside to this story is that it took until she was 21 and some tough love on our part.
I truly think that you will have a good relationship with your difficult child someday. If you can only survive the difficult child teenage years. . .
~Kathy
timer lady
Queen of Hearts
Nancy,
What a horrible thing to say! I hate that for you. Makes me want to just shake some sense into your difficult child for you.
I guess it's time to not talk with difficult child. I'd let her know that you need time for yourself - words are powerful & can be hateful. And that you may forgive, but words of this nature cannot be forgotten.
I hope you can get out & find some "me" time tonight.
What a horrible thing to say! I hate that for you. Makes me want to just shake some sense into your difficult child for you.
I guess it's time to not talk with difficult child. I'd let her know that you need time for yourself - words are powerful & can be hateful. And that you may forgive, but words of this nature cannot be forgotten.
I hope you can get out & find some "me" time tonight.
JJJ
Active Member
My oldest difficult child (nearly 13) wishes I was dead or that husband would throw me out. She doesn't realize how close she came to getting her wish (looked into husband renting an apartment and moving there with her, didn't do it because we couldn't afford 2 residences and couldn't get weekend respite for her so that husband could come home on weekends). She is mean, cruel and nasty. She is definitely damaging our other children. We try to keep her busy away from home but there are days when we can't find any activity that will take her. She says we favor the other children. I say that protecting them from her does not equal favoring them. She says that we should just let her hurt them and be mean to them so that they learn what life is like @@.
Our fondest wish is that we can pay off our bills this school year and still have enough money to put aside to send her to an 8-week summer program that I found. It sounds like paradise - 8 whole difficult child-free weeks.
Our fondest wish is that we can pay off our bills this school year and still have enough money to put aside to send her to an 8-week summer program that I found. It sounds like paradise - 8 whole difficult child-free weeks.
Sickntired
New Member
I can feel your pain. For some reason, they all have this trait in common. I am told on a daily basis (usually triggered by not getting his way or by being told no) that I am:
A horrible parent.
He can't stand to look at me.
He hates me.
Can't I see why no one likes me.
Wishes I were dead.
Wishes I were gone.
Why don't I just leave and make everyone happy.
Everything bad that happens to him is my fault.
I'm stupid.
and the list goes on, and on, and on, and on.
I used to really be bothered by this. I would literally cry myself to sleep at night, worrying about it. It would hurt my feelings so bad I couldn't stand it. Then, over time, a miracle happend. My skin started getting thick and thicker and thicker. Now, It would take a pound of Crisco to soften it up. He can bombard away at me and it just bounces off. I have decided that it only hurts me if I allow it to. So I just let those words go. And before you know it, I will find a little note or some field flowers he has picked saying I'm the BEST MOM IN THE WORLD. Go figure, he hated me 30 minutes before.
I have just decided they can't help it. They have an illness and like every illness, sometimes the symptoms just raise up and slap you in the face. Like being a diabetic. You can take medicine to control it, but sometimes, for whatever reason, that old diabetes monster rises up and throws your whole body off. I can't get mad at my husband when his diabetes goes whacko. I can make sure he eats properly, takes his medicine and do my part to help him control it, but sometimes it just happens. Should it? NO. But it does.
I have saved every little note and withered flower. On really bad days, I look at them and remember the real difficult child, the one that doesn't show his face to often.
Hope things go better soon. I truly understand how hurtful words can be. :flower:
A horrible parent.
He can't stand to look at me.
He hates me.
Can't I see why no one likes me.
Wishes I were dead.
Wishes I were gone.
Why don't I just leave and make everyone happy.
Everything bad that happens to him is my fault.
I'm stupid.
and the list goes on, and on, and on, and on.
I used to really be bothered by this. I would literally cry myself to sleep at night, worrying about it. It would hurt my feelings so bad I couldn't stand it. Then, over time, a miracle happend. My skin started getting thick and thicker and thicker. Now, It would take a pound of Crisco to soften it up. He can bombard away at me and it just bounces off. I have decided that it only hurts me if I allow it to. So I just let those words go. And before you know it, I will find a little note or some field flowers he has picked saying I'm the BEST MOM IN THE WORLD. Go figure, he hated me 30 minutes before.
I have just decided they can't help it. They have an illness and like every illness, sometimes the symptoms just raise up and slap you in the face. Like being a diabetic. You can take medicine to control it, but sometimes, for whatever reason, that old diabetes monster rises up and throws your whole body off. I can't get mad at my husband when his diabetes goes whacko. I can make sure he eats properly, takes his medicine and do my part to help him control it, but sometimes it just happens. Should it? NO. But it does.
I have saved every little note and withered flower. On really bad days, I look at them and remember the real difficult child, the one that doesn't show his face to often.
Hope things go better soon. I truly understand how hurtful words can be. :flower:
Nancy,
sickntired's post reminded me of a list that my difficult child wrote when she was 16. It was titled, "Things I hate about mom." It had all the usual things but the last thing on the list was that I wore ugly shoes.
Well, I took great exception to that. I happened to think that I wore cute shoes. Lord knows that I have enough of them.
:rofl:
The fact is that our difficult children are immature and strike out in anger saying things to try to hurt us. My difficult child would usually say that she didn't mean it after she calmed down.
But it doesn't make it hurt any less.
{{{Hugs}}}
~Kathy
sickntired's post reminded me of a list that my difficult child wrote when she was 16. It was titled, "Things I hate about mom." It had all the usual things but the last thing on the list was that I wore ugly shoes.
Well, I took great exception to that. I happened to think that I wore cute shoes. Lord knows that I have enough of them.
:rofl:
The fact is that our difficult children are immature and strike out in anger saying things to try to hurt us. My difficult child would usually say that she didn't mean it after she calmed down.
But it doesn't make it hurt any less.
{{{Hugs}}}
~Kathy
OpenWindow
Active Member
Nancy,
I am feeling the same way you are right now. difficult child has been on a roll for about a month now insulting me whenever he can, saying "No, I'm not going to do it," and laughing at my every request. He told me today the worst thing anybody ever said to him was that he looks like me, because I am so ugly. This was during an otherwise normal conversation, not even one of our many confrontations. And apparently, I've ruined his life.
I don't take it personally at all because I know he really does love me, but it's so draining. We do everything we can for our difficult children, and then some, and they have so much disdain for us. I have to stop myself from wondering if it's all worth it.
Maybe it's time for us to go on strike.
Linda
I am feeling the same way you are right now. difficult child has been on a roll for about a month now insulting me whenever he can, saying "No, I'm not going to do it," and laughing at my every request. He told me today the worst thing anybody ever said to him was that he looks like me, because I am so ugly. This was during an otherwise normal conversation, not even one of our many confrontations. And apparently, I've ruined his life.
I don't take it personally at all because I know he really does love me, but it's so draining. We do everything we can for our difficult children, and then some, and they have so much disdain for us. I have to stop myself from wondering if it's all worth it.
Maybe it's time for us to go on strike.
Linda
The difference is my difficult child has NEVER said she was sorry and has NEVER brought me wild flowers or written a note or done anything to show me she loves me. I honestly don't think she does. I think this is where the attachment thing comes in. What is unconditional love anyway? I don't think I know anymore how it is possible.
I try not to blame her. She was born this way. But we have tried to move heaven and earth to show her how much we love her and to give her all the tools she needed to change and still her words cut through me like a knife.
You know what she said today when I asked her what kind of person tells her mom she wishes she would get in a car accident? She said it was the only way to shut me up. I hadn't even said anything except that she should bring home her novel to read on the weekend (since she has not read any of it yet and she is very close to a D in English).
Yes we are counting down the days. We have 1 3/4 years to go, then I hope she figures out how to live on her own because I just will not live like this one more minute than I have to.
She is on a downward spiral Sheila. I found a note in her pocket that she got called down to the asst principal's office on Monday. He handles discipline matters. Things have been going downhill for a few months now.
Nancy
I try not to blame her. She was born this way. But we have tried to move heaven and earth to show her how much we love her and to give her all the tools she needed to change and still her words cut through me like a knife.
You know what she said today when I asked her what kind of person tells her mom she wishes she would get in a car accident? She said it was the only way to shut me up. I hadn't even said anything except that she should bring home her novel to read on the weekend (since she has not read any of it yet and she is very close to a D in English).
Yes we are counting down the days. We have 1 3/4 years to go, then I hope she figures out how to live on her own because I just will not live like this one more minute than I have to.
She is on a downward spiral Sheila. I found a note in her pocket that she got called down to the asst principal's office on Monday. He handles discipline matters. Things have been going downhill for a few months now.
Nancy
F
flutterbee
Guest
They do know how to cut to the core, don't they? Those aren't the kind of words that are easily forgotten.
So sorry she's doing this.
(((hugs)))
So sorry she's doing this.
(((hugs)))
morningcuppa
New Member
Nancy
I have no words of wisdom just sending a hug. These kids really know how to wound don't they?
I hope things improve soon.
I have no words of wisdom just sending a hug. These kids really know how to wound don't they?
I hope things improve soon.
meowbunny
New Member
I'm sorry but had to laugh at the comment that it was said to shut you up. My daughter is the same. Some of the things that have spewed out of her mouth to stop me from "nagging" were truly amazing. At least she only wanted you to be hit by the car. Mine wanted to shove me under a semi-truck but was afraid I might live and she'd have to take care of me forever. Like you apologies, notes, wild flowers were never forthcoming. To me, they were words, nothing more.
Does she love me? As much as she capable of love, yes. Right now, she needs me so the hate has stopped spewing. I'm sure that as soon as she gets a job and makes friends, the hate will be back. When it starts, I simply turn the words around in my mind to something positive and keep on doing what I'm doing. It is the best I can do.
I decided a long time ago that she could say what she wanted but I was going to say what was necessary. Of course, I was never sure she really heard what was said but at least I could say I tried to help her do what was necessary. If she chose to not hear, it was not my problem. It was hers.
I'm sorry she's spiraling. Is it a new influence in school or one of those "I've been good too long and I can't hold it together anymore?" This happens with my daughter even today. I hope things get better.
Does she love me? As much as she capable of love, yes. Right now, she needs me so the hate has stopped spewing. I'm sure that as soon as she gets a job and makes friends, the hate will be back. When it starts, I simply turn the words around in my mind to something positive and keep on doing what I'm doing. It is the best I can do.
I decided a long time ago that she could say what she wanted but I was going to say what was necessary. Of course, I was never sure she really heard what was said but at least I could say I tried to help her do what was necessary. If she chose to not hear, it was not my problem. It was hers.
I'm sorry she's spiraling. Is it a new influence in school or one of those "I've been good too long and I can't hold it together anymore?" This happens with my daughter even today. I hope things get better.
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Nancy...
Im so sorry difficult child is headed back down. Can you pinpoint what has sent her spiraling back down? She was doing so well there for a period of time.
Do you think she might need a medication adjustment? I know I am loathe to suggest that. Maybe she is cheeking the medications.
I never really got the lists of bad retorts. The worst thing mine ever said to me at that age was that I was ruining his life to which I replied "good, that gives you something to tell a therapist about later in life!"
Im so sorry difficult child is headed back down. Can you pinpoint what has sent her spiraling back down? She was doing so well there for a period of time.
Do you think she might need a medication adjustment? I know I am loathe to suggest that. Maybe she is cheeking the medications.
I never really got the lists of bad retorts. The worst thing mine ever said to me at that age was that I was ruining his life to which I replied "good, that gives you something to tell a therapist about later in life!"
I didn't like my girl for quite a few years and she said and did some pretty horrible things to me. She also associated with the worst scum imaginable and would never listen to me. However, I felt she was worth saving and she was...the changes in her now, at almost 19, are miraculous.
Does her therapist have an idea of why your daughter is spiraling downward right now?
I hope you can find the answer soon.
Does her therapist have an idea of why your daughter is spiraling downward right now?
I hope you can find the answer soon.
Marguerite
Active Member
Nancy I know it is difficult (because I've had those words hurled at me too) but you HAVE to show her that you WILL NOT LET those words strike home. Turn them around and give them back to her. I don't mean, hurl similar insults back, just refuse to accept delivery. By saying, "What sort of person says that?" (I know that's not from your post, it's someone else's) you have accepted delivery, because that statement carries an acknowledgement that those words hurt. Janet's definitely got the idea - by mentioning the inevitability of the therapist, she is also making it clear that she is a mother doing her job - there is absolutely NO ROOM in Janet's statement for a mother backing down in any way.
And as for "Why can't you realise everyone hates you?" The non-ownership answer is, "Because that is a false and misleading statement."
I had a psychopath as a work colleague. I'm not kidding. I've read up on this since I saw a documentary on the subject which made me realise all my workplace traumas had a rational explanation after all - my workmate was a genuine danger. And he said to me once, in front of our boss, "It's no wonder nobody here likes you."
It was unprompted, out of the blue and his way of publicly justifying his own personal dislike of me. It was also his attempt to discredit me with the boss. Because our boss was present I chose to not respond to the statement; which did not hurt me because I knew it to be untrue. Instead, by making that statement, my colleague had accidentally revealed his own feelings and his own motives (not pleasant) which gave me fair warning of problems to come. A thoroughly nasty piece of work he was, only now I was prepared for his tactics. I chose to not accept delivery, although I admit I did leave his 'parcel' on the doorstep. Metaphorically speaking.
I was looking at your most recent post on this thread - all you had done to provoke her to say this was, you told her that she needed to read her English book that she had brought home from school. You phrased it as, "I only said..." You sound like a kid defending herself from scolding parents. Your own child should not be making you so defensive. Because she now has you doing this, you have given her the power to keep going, to keep on being mean. You have given her this power. This means you have the control to take it back again. She will be even nastier as you take control back, but if you refuse to accept delivery, she will soon have to change tactics.
If she says hateful things simply reply with, "You must be feeling very unhappy about yourself, to try to say nasty things about other people."
And in THIS case you could say, "You're trying to deflect your bad feelings about your own procrastination, onto me. You're wasting your time and you haven't got enough to waste. I am a parent, trying to do my job. I have now reminded you - that part of my job is done. Any failure now for you to do your part of the job is now entirely your own responsibility."
And you do not mention the book again. Not specifically. Because she already knows about it. If she says she's bored, or hasn't anything to do, you can remind her of "schoolwork" or say, "You know you have something that needs doing," but be aware - she will probably attack again. I strongly suspect she has been well and truly into the habit for a long time, of using attack to deflect her own mind (and other people) from what she really should be doing in her own life.
A young friend of mine has been doing this for years, because her mother (my best friend) is immensely deflectable (although less so these days). Her mother would ask her to do a job, and daughter would find every excuse in the book to stall and not do it, before finally saying, "You've made me so upset now, I don't ever want to do anything for you - if you hadn't upset me so much I would do it for you."
This is deliberately circular - she has deliberately picked a fight to distract her mother from the real issue - mum has a job she wants daughter to do. And daughter would rather have WWIII than do what is asked, purely on principle. And while ever mother engages in battle, daughter wins. So daughter uses this trick again. And again.
Nancy, she's got you on the ropes. Your self-esteem is rock bottom and she's an out of control teen. You can get help, but I think you need to get some help for you, first, so you can be strong enough to help her. She really sounds like a tough cookie.
Marg
And as for "Why can't you realise everyone hates you?" The non-ownership answer is, "Because that is a false and misleading statement."
I had a psychopath as a work colleague. I'm not kidding. I've read up on this since I saw a documentary on the subject which made me realise all my workplace traumas had a rational explanation after all - my workmate was a genuine danger. And he said to me once, in front of our boss, "It's no wonder nobody here likes you."
It was unprompted, out of the blue and his way of publicly justifying his own personal dislike of me. It was also his attempt to discredit me with the boss. Because our boss was present I chose to not respond to the statement; which did not hurt me because I knew it to be untrue. Instead, by making that statement, my colleague had accidentally revealed his own feelings and his own motives (not pleasant) which gave me fair warning of problems to come. A thoroughly nasty piece of work he was, only now I was prepared for his tactics. I chose to not accept delivery, although I admit I did leave his 'parcel' on the doorstep. Metaphorically speaking.
I was looking at your most recent post on this thread - all you had done to provoke her to say this was, you told her that she needed to read her English book that she had brought home from school. You phrased it as, "I only said..." You sound like a kid defending herself from scolding parents. Your own child should not be making you so defensive. Because she now has you doing this, you have given her the power to keep going, to keep on being mean. You have given her this power. This means you have the control to take it back again. She will be even nastier as you take control back, but if you refuse to accept delivery, she will soon have to change tactics.
If she says hateful things simply reply with, "You must be feeling very unhappy about yourself, to try to say nasty things about other people."
And in THIS case you could say, "You're trying to deflect your bad feelings about your own procrastination, onto me. You're wasting your time and you haven't got enough to waste. I am a parent, trying to do my job. I have now reminded you - that part of my job is done. Any failure now for you to do your part of the job is now entirely your own responsibility."
And you do not mention the book again. Not specifically. Because she already knows about it. If she says she's bored, or hasn't anything to do, you can remind her of "schoolwork" or say, "You know you have something that needs doing," but be aware - she will probably attack again. I strongly suspect she has been well and truly into the habit for a long time, of using attack to deflect her own mind (and other people) from what she really should be doing in her own life.
A young friend of mine has been doing this for years, because her mother (my best friend) is immensely deflectable (although less so these days). Her mother would ask her to do a job, and daughter would find every excuse in the book to stall and not do it, before finally saying, "You've made me so upset now, I don't ever want to do anything for you - if you hadn't upset me so much I would do it for you."
This is deliberately circular - she has deliberately picked a fight to distract her mother from the real issue - mum has a job she wants daughter to do. And daughter would rather have WWIII than do what is asked, purely on principle. And while ever mother engages in battle, daughter wins. So daughter uses this trick again. And again.
Nancy, she's got you on the ropes. Your self-esteem is rock bottom and she's an out of control teen. You can get help, but I think you need to get some help for you, first, so you can be strong enough to help her. She really sounds like a tough cookie.
Marg
Nancy
I'm so sorry difficult child is heading south again in her actions, and I agree totally with Marguerite in that she is attacking you because she can and because she is unhappy with herself.
She wants to lash out at someone, and you are the closest target, one that she always can count on to verbally attack, and you will still love her anyway.
My vote is to completely and totally ignore the bait, because you are being baited. If you respond to her comments, it just gives her an excuse to escalate. You cannot show your weakness and take it personally in front of her, you need to show her that no matter what she says, you will not be manipulated by her words, and that you are the parent, plain and simple, and nothing she can say can change that. Sticks and stones basically.
And then find some outlet to channel your anger and hurt--something physical I would suggest, racquetball, running, something that you can basically dispose of the hurt and anger through physical exhaustion, and then let her words melt away.
You are being the good parent and she knows it, this is her depression talking. Don't take the bait!
I'm so sorry difficult child is heading south again in her actions, and I agree totally with Marguerite in that she is attacking you because she can and because she is unhappy with herself.
She wants to lash out at someone, and you are the closest target, one that she always can count on to verbally attack, and you will still love her anyway.
My vote is to completely and totally ignore the bait, because you are being baited. If you respond to her comments, it just gives her an excuse to escalate. You cannot show your weakness and take it personally in front of her, you need to show her that no matter what she says, you will not be manipulated by her words, and that you are the parent, plain and simple, and nothing she can say can change that. Sticks and stones basically.
And then find some outlet to channel your anger and hurt--something physical I would suggest, racquetball, running, something that you can basically dispose of the hurt and anger through physical exhaustion, and then let her words melt away.
You are being the good parent and she knows it, this is her depression talking. Don't take the bait!
