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I don't want to be the sacrafice anymore...
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 586524" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I TOTALLY understand how you feel. And I think your feelings are very validated. I don't have a clue when or why the idea that a parent has to do everything/give up everything to make sure teh chld is happy started, but I think many people go overboard when prioritizing life. Kids are important, but they are not the center of lfe or the family. husband and I learned the hard way that if the marriage isn't the center of the family, the family eventually isn't a family together anymore. We HAD to put a premium on our relationship if we wanted our kids to grow in up in a 2 parent married family. NOT do all for the child and let our relationship go by the wayside.</p><p></p><p>I think your needs need to be met whatever they are. If that means letting the teen live with his mom most of the time and do fun stuff with you, then that is what it means. I do NOT think wanting to develop other relationships, do some fun things etc... before you are robbed of the time to do them is important. Maybe having my own health issues is why I understand, maybe not. But I gave a lot of my healthier years up by constantly getting between my son and the object of his misplaced rage (my daughter) because she needed to be kept safe and he needed to be kept safe from the consequences of what he wanted to do to her (kill her, which would mean prison for him, not a great thing for an autistic person in my opinion). </p><p></p><p>I can completely see why you would want/need to leave if you cannot find some balance between what the child needs and what you need. I hoep there is a way to balance both of them. I don't think a teen's future is set in stone, but I don't know how bad the autism is either. It truly is a spectrum and some do change after the teen years and others don't. I am glad my son did, but it took drastic action and not keeping him in our home to get him to the point where he could make better choices. Mostly getting him out of our home kept both he and I alive and out of prison and allowed him the time to mature to where he could realize his desire to hurt his sister wasn't what he really wanted and wasn't what was healthy for either of them. They now have a good relationship and are very caring toward each toher, but it took a long time and a lot of hurt to get there. Plus getting my son through the teen years. </p><p></p><p>Do you have a therapist? Someone to help you deal with both your life with your stepson and with your health problems? medications help, and help a lot, but they are not the whole treatment plan. As someone who has dealt with years of health problems and pain, I can promise that seeing a therapist is a smart thing and can really help no matter what the situation is. A therapist can help you make the best choices, deal with the consequences of those choices and find an arrangement that you can live with. If you have one, maybe taking your husband to a few sessions would help the two of you understand each other and what each one of you needs and what your relationship needs if you are to stay together.</p><p></p><p>It is NOT selfish to want to enjoy what time you have before thigns get so bad that you cannot enjoy certain things. Not recognizing those needs is selfish ecause it will leave you with resentments that are real but maybe don't have to happen and the resentment will end up destroying the relationships you do have. A therapist might be able to help your husband realize that he has to find a balance between everyone's needs.</p><p></p><p>What many people seem to not recognize is that families are a system. ANY system has to meet the needs of every part. In any system each part has certain needs. What one part needs to work perfectly will always pull resources from the toher parts of that system. If one part of the system has everything and is working perfectly, other parts will not have what they need and will most likely not function or will not function for long because their needs are not met. A balance is needed so that every part gets what they need and can function with what they have. Otherwise the entire system fails. By giving everything to one part, machine or person, the entire system is destroyed because other parts do not get their needs met. </p><p></p><p>This means that your needs and husband's needs and the child's needs all have to be balanced so taht none of you is destroyed or stops functioning. I am trying to recover from having my entire body just stop working for the most part. I gave everything to my kids. I put myself between my difficult child and those he sought to hurt to protect both sides, but I didn't protect myself. My body and mind finally just quit. I didn't take care of myself and I saw firsthand how that has hurt the rest of my family. I had years where my muscles refused to work, where my body literally couldn't hold me up because I had drained it of everything it needed and piled stresses after stresses upon it without ever taking the recharge time that I needed. It didn't help any of us. Not in the long run.</p><p></p><p>I hope you can find a way to meet your needs. They are real and are just as important as what your stepson needs. It may take work with a therapist (therapist/psychologist) to help you and your husband find a balance, but I hoep you can. You clearly love him and your stepson, you just need to realize that your needs have to be important also, and to love yourself. </p><p></p><p>No one here will fault you if you have to walk away. We really do understand. We can't always take the same action, but we do understand.</p><p></p><p>(((((hugs)))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 586524, member: 1233"] I TOTALLY understand how you feel. And I think your feelings are very validated. I don't have a clue when or why the idea that a parent has to do everything/give up everything to make sure teh chld is happy started, but I think many people go overboard when prioritizing life. Kids are important, but they are not the center of lfe or the family. husband and I learned the hard way that if the marriage isn't the center of the family, the family eventually isn't a family together anymore. We HAD to put a premium on our relationship if we wanted our kids to grow in up in a 2 parent married family. NOT do all for the child and let our relationship go by the wayside. I think your needs need to be met whatever they are. If that means letting the teen live with his mom most of the time and do fun stuff with you, then that is what it means. I do NOT think wanting to develop other relationships, do some fun things etc... before you are robbed of the time to do them is important. Maybe having my own health issues is why I understand, maybe not. But I gave a lot of my healthier years up by constantly getting between my son and the object of his misplaced rage (my daughter) because she needed to be kept safe and he needed to be kept safe from the consequences of what he wanted to do to her (kill her, which would mean prison for him, not a great thing for an autistic person in my opinion). I can completely see why you would want/need to leave if you cannot find some balance between what the child needs and what you need. I hoep there is a way to balance both of them. I don't think a teen's future is set in stone, but I don't know how bad the autism is either. It truly is a spectrum and some do change after the teen years and others don't. I am glad my son did, but it took drastic action and not keeping him in our home to get him to the point where he could make better choices. Mostly getting him out of our home kept both he and I alive and out of prison and allowed him the time to mature to where he could realize his desire to hurt his sister wasn't what he really wanted and wasn't what was healthy for either of them. They now have a good relationship and are very caring toward each toher, but it took a long time and a lot of hurt to get there. Plus getting my son through the teen years. Do you have a therapist? Someone to help you deal with both your life with your stepson and with your health problems? medications help, and help a lot, but they are not the whole treatment plan. As someone who has dealt with years of health problems and pain, I can promise that seeing a therapist is a smart thing and can really help no matter what the situation is. A therapist can help you make the best choices, deal with the consequences of those choices and find an arrangement that you can live with. If you have one, maybe taking your husband to a few sessions would help the two of you understand each other and what each one of you needs and what your relationship needs if you are to stay together. It is NOT selfish to want to enjoy what time you have before thigns get so bad that you cannot enjoy certain things. Not recognizing those needs is selfish ecause it will leave you with resentments that are real but maybe don't have to happen and the resentment will end up destroying the relationships you do have. A therapist might be able to help your husband realize that he has to find a balance between everyone's needs. What many people seem to not recognize is that families are a system. ANY system has to meet the needs of every part. In any system each part has certain needs. What one part needs to work perfectly will always pull resources from the toher parts of that system. If one part of the system has everything and is working perfectly, other parts will not have what they need and will most likely not function or will not function for long because their needs are not met. A balance is needed so that every part gets what they need and can function with what they have. Otherwise the entire system fails. By giving everything to one part, machine or person, the entire system is destroyed because other parts do not get their needs met. This means that your needs and husband's needs and the child's needs all have to be balanced so taht none of you is destroyed or stops functioning. I am trying to recover from having my entire body just stop working for the most part. I gave everything to my kids. I put myself between my difficult child and those he sought to hurt to protect both sides, but I didn't protect myself. My body and mind finally just quit. I didn't take care of myself and I saw firsthand how that has hurt the rest of my family. I had years where my muscles refused to work, where my body literally couldn't hold me up because I had drained it of everything it needed and piled stresses after stresses upon it without ever taking the recharge time that I needed. It didn't help any of us. Not in the long run. I hope you can find a way to meet your needs. They are real and are just as important as what your stepson needs. It may take work with a therapist (therapist/psychologist) to help you and your husband find a balance, but I hoep you can. You clearly love him and your stepson, you just need to realize that your needs have to be important also, and to love yourself. No one here will fault you if you have to walk away. We really do understand. We can't always take the same action, but we do understand. (((((hugs))))) [/QUOTE]
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