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I feel like the worst mother ever
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 683249" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Welcome Lindalou,</p><p></p><p>I am so glad you found us here. We do not have all the answers but we are a wonderful group of parents who have traversed one of life's most difficult journeys, having an adult difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Here is the link to an excellent article about detachment. You may even want to print it out and keep handy so you can read it often.</p><p><a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz44JM4xPeR" target="_blank"><u><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 128)">http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz44JM4xPeR</span></u></a></p><p></p><p>"GUILT" is something most of us here have dealt with. One thing I have learned is we have nothing to feel guilty about. Are we perfect parents, absolutely not but we have done the very best we could. You have a daughter and a son, you raised them both and there came a point in each of their lives where they started making choices for themselves. Your daughter chose to go to college, your son did not. It's nothing you did or did not do, it just is what it is.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This my friend just takes time. I experienced all of these emotions. I played the "what if" game until I was beyond frazzled. In the end, all of my worrying and catastrophizing did not change a thing, all it did was cause me to be anxious and lose sleep.</p><p>I can also tell you that our "guilt" can be used against us. Our adult difficult children will use our emotions against us. I have learned to not allow my son to hold my emotions hostage.</p><p></p><p>I think your son's psychiatrist is spot on. You see there is a fine line between helping and enabling. When we cross that line and start enabling we actually do more damage than we think. While it may make us "feel better" to "fix" things for our adult children we are not allowing them to grow. There is a common question that is often asked here "What will happen when we the parents die and are no longer here to take care of this adult child?"</p><p>You see the sooner they start learning how to deal with life on their own the better it is for them. The struggle they will endure is a good thing.</p><p></p><p>The following story helped me, I hope it will help you also.</p><p></p><p><span style="color: rgb(166, 77, 255)"><strong>A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. </strong></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(166, 77, 255)"></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(166, 77, 255)"><strong>Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. </strong></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(166, 77, 255)"></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(166, 77, 255)"><strong>The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body which would contract in time. </strong></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(166, 77, 255)"></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(166, 77, 255)"><strong>Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. </strong></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(166, 77, 255)"></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(166, 77, 255)"><strong>What this man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were nature's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. </strong></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(166, 77, 255)"></span></p><p><span style="color: rgb(166, 77, 255)"><strong>Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If nature allowed us to go through your life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. And we could never fly….</strong></span></p><p></p><p>Hang in there and stick with us here. We are here for you. Let us know how things are going and how you are doing.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you........................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 683249, member: 18516"] Welcome Lindalou, I am so glad you found us here. We do not have all the answers but we are a wonderful group of parents who have traversed one of life's most difficult journeys, having an adult difficult child. Here is the link to an excellent article about detachment. You may even want to print it out and keep handy so you can read it often. [URL='http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz44JM4xPeR'][U][COLOR=rgb(0, 0, 128)]http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz44JM4xPeR[/COLOR][/U][/URL] "GUILT" is something most of us here have dealt with. One thing I have learned is we have nothing to feel guilty about. Are we perfect parents, absolutely not but we have done the very best we could. You have a daughter and a son, you raised them both and there came a point in each of their lives where they started making choices for themselves. Your daughter chose to go to college, your son did not. It's nothing you did or did not do, it just is what it is. This my friend just takes time. I experienced all of these emotions. I played the "what if" game until I was beyond frazzled. In the end, all of my worrying and catastrophizing did not change a thing, all it did was cause me to be anxious and lose sleep. I can also tell you that our "guilt" can be used against us. Our adult difficult children will use our emotions against us. I have learned to not allow my son to hold my emotions hostage. I think your son's psychiatrist is spot on. You see there is a fine line between helping and enabling. When we cross that line and start enabling we actually do more damage than we think. While it may make us "feel better" to "fix" things for our adult children we are not allowing them to grow. There is a common question that is often asked here "What will happen when we the parents die and are no longer here to take care of this adult child?" You see the sooner they start learning how to deal with life on their own the better it is for them. The struggle they will endure is a good thing. The following story helped me, I hope it will help you also. [COLOR=rgb(166, 77, 255)][B]A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. [/B] [B]Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. [/B] [B]The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body which would contract in time. [/B] [B]Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. [/B] [B]What this man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were nature's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. [/B] [B]Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If nature allowed us to go through your life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. And we could never fly….[/B][/COLOR] Hang in there and stick with us here. We are here for you. Let us know how things are going and how you are doing. ((HUGS)) to you........................ [/QUOTE]
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