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i feel very unappreciated
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 391548" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Jena - </p><p> </p><p>What I see between the lines (and by the way my boots were gray; although thinking about pink boots being a shoe- hoo (ask Mstang) I must say, did excite me - see picture from Bob Evans - 3" heels - lol) is a Mom who is ....lemme start over. What I think I see (okay I'm better with that lead in) What I think I see is a woman, a HIGH achiever who is used to doing tops, well, good, never less than almost the best. (Am I close?) All your life I would venture to say that anything and everything you have given a go at you have been VERY successful with. Not perfect, but you have always had a sense of self satisfaction that either you have achieved BETTER than most on some to all levels or you HAVE been TOPS in your class. I'm not saying smarter per se, but I am saying resourceful, clever, wit beyond compare, able to figure it out, doubtless in your abilities no matter WHAT the task. Your life has been a series of fearless endeavors. NOTHING you've tried except for maybe a few things you absolutely did not enjoy have ever fallen short of at least way better than everyone elses attempts. And the word CAN'T doesn't exist in your vocabulary. (Am I close still?) No need to answer I'm just hypothosizing (and not spelling that word worth a hang) </p><p> </p><p>So here you are, maybe a little unsure of yourself after your last relationship/marriage/baby daddy (omg I hate that word) but lets face facts. These men did nothing for our self-esteem and WE ALLOWED IT to happen. Then? Then we did nothing to fix ourselves. We just floated along in life thinking things like "If I'm away from him and find a nice guy, this will go away." Falacy #1. "If I get a weeks worth of counseling and read a book or two like women are from Mars and most men are from Pluto?" I'll have a handle on relationships and this won't happen again." Falacy #2. If I meet another guy who is almost the way I want I can change him with love and time. OH LORD falacy #3. And this snowball effect from our suitcased and mostly baggaged past drags into our present and wears us down so much that when little things happen in UTOPIA? We start blaming ourselves and taking ALL THE CREDIT for all the BAD and silently try to fix these things and in the MEAN TIME? We fall apart physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually - and eventually we explode!!! Then everyone in the house doesn't take us seriously and the louder we yell, complain, or sulk or retreat or blow up? The LESS anyone in our lives sees us as the rock that we once were. From here? It (our lives) crumble faster and faster - some of us may start drinking, binge grazing, being resentful, turn our entire lives into our work - OM do you know that I used to CRY when I got in the car on the way home from work because I didn't want to go home. I mean it was like....((((THANK YOU))) because for 8 hours NO ONE could bother me and then? AND THEN? HOLY SHEET CAKES.....the frosting hit the mixer and after everyone left the kitchen it was good old Mom who already worked 8 hours, plus got up 2 hours early to catch up with everything else - who cleaned up all the fall out. </p><p> </p><p>I hated coming home. HATED IT - I didn't hate my family - I just hated the thought of coming home. TO THEM.....Can you imagine? I used to try to think of ways to stay out - Errands, grocery, I think I had a love affair going on with Staples copy shop, and man could I copy things and collate slow....ly. But then I started thinking - I never see DF, or Dude. Part of me didn't care. But (sadly and admittedly) I missed my dogs. When I told my therapist this? I figured I'd get gasps of how horrible I was. Nope...HOW NORMAL ARE YOU instead. Then WHY didn't I want to be there. What could NOT JUST ME - but EVERYONE do to make it better. I mean it wasn't just me, but a LOT of it WAS me. I wasn't happy and not just health wise because well, my health was crud....but I had so much leftover junk in my head that I had never dealt with it spilled into my relationship with DF, and while I had always been a HIGH achiever my whole life I had to RE=Learn how to accept that it was OKAY that I couldn't fix ANYTHING situational.....but I could fix myself. Busywend is right. We teach others how to treat others by how we treat ourselves. (I think that's how it is or at least should be). And not just bubble bath and stuff like that.....and it doesn't happen over night it takes years. And it doesn't happen without help - IT TAKES LOTS OF HELP and intervention. </p><p> </p><p>You have a tough situation. You are not physically well. That alone is very emotionally draining. Then you have a new marriage - and that's tough as nails you two are still learning about each other. You have a business, kids - and one of them is a dreaded teen, PLUS PLUS....a girl (AHHHHHHHH RUN FOR THE HILLS) and then you are blessed with a difficult child who has emotional, eating, and who knows what else problems and honey - YOU ARE DOING THE BEST THAT YOU KNOW HOW TO DO - but what..WHAT is the shame in learning more? Like my therapist asked me.......WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU KNOW HOW to fix this when all the psychiatrists and doctors and counselors that have seen your kid so far have NO CLUE how to 'fix' him or even stablize him?" At this juncture in your life Star you need to first take care of you. This sets a much larger stage for your family because once you learn to take care of YOU first? You gain self-respect. If you have no self respect you have no control in your house, no way to have this without this because if you can't respect yourself no one else will either." So we worked on that for years. No joke. I laughed and thought - I do tooo I have control of my house I pay the bills, I shop, I clean I.....I......I can be replaced by a maid. I got rid of 40 some years plus of baggage too. Things I had no idea bugged me. NONE...zip, nada. I went through all past relationships and boyfriends and husband and wow - it was awful. But when I was done? When I was done I felt free. I had a clear vision of what I would and WOULD NOT tolerate. Talk about drawing boundaries. Not just IN my home, but in my life, in a store - heck even today in the vets office. I grew a voice and you can bet that now? If you do something that I don't like or won't tolerate? YOU HEAR about it NOW......not after it festers. I have no more tolerance for festering and GOD is it liberating to NOT waste time on junk like that. I wish I had 1 1/10 of my life back wasted on festering, grudges, vengeance. 1 1/10. Even with my son. The things I kept my mouth shut on? I stopped immediately. I stopped saying WILL YOU PLEASE......and started saying STOP IT NOW. END OF CONVERSATION. I stopped explaining WHY - I didn't add any cutesy little Because I'm the Mom....It was just SO....period. I said it-----that was it. DONE. Get used to the Mom I wish I had been YOUR whole life because she's here to stay. And SHE IS IN CHARGE. </p><p> </p><p>I'm never going to be the type of Mom in life that I was office manager. Or I'm never going to learn being a Mom as good as I was a horseback rider....I mean I felt at that? I excelled, I was a natural. I got on a horse like I was BORN there. I took to it like a horse takes to sweet feed. But with Mothering? OMG i struggled and scrapped and seems I fought it every step of the way when it should have been something 'natural', wonderful....fun.....and it wasn't. It was hard, miserable most days, long, exhausting, and almost never felt like I accomplished anything. Then as he got older I figured well he'll grow out of it? He just got worse and I adjusted my dreams even more and eventually joined the ranks of the detach=ment 101. Thinking nope, nope, nope....not me Oh no I will never be one of THEM......and here I am. Adjusting before insanity takes whats left of my heart (and bank account) </p><p> </p><p>I don't say ANY of this to make you feel less, or unfit or here's what YOU should do because. I'm saying this because YOU ARE a FANTASTIC Mom. You are a fantastic person, a wonderful wife....and you have a good soul, brilliant mind and you seek constantly for answers. This alone if I knew nothing about you? Puts you head and shoulders above - and you have a huge heart. But you can not simply continue to do this alone. And you can't do it from reading a little bit here, or there - or from just what I say....(Lord don't I wish -roflmeverything off) If I hadn't had a therapist? I'd be a nutjob - whackadoodle, on my third pair of state bed and breakfast maxi-pad craft class slippers for christmas gifts and finger paint set. (not kidding) Speaking of craft class.......Dammit Janet has a point - PAPER PLATES RULE. You can serve on them and make so many things out of them. frisbees...masks....snowshoes. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/tongue.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":tongue:" title="tongue :tongue:" data-shortname=":tongue:" /></p><p> </p><p>It's my hope that something in here makes you understand that you're not a failure just because you can't fix THIS or that or this and her, and him and you, and them over there.......and ------everything in between. It's not a getting older thing, it's not a you're all washed up, used to be able to do it all thing and now you're married and can't thing...it's a THIS IS SO FLEEKING HUGE you for the first time in your life HAVE GOT TO ACCEPT OUTSIDE HELP in a HUGE way......and get used to being okay with that and other strange things....like possibly accepting the lights in the sky DID drop your kid inthe backyard (remember those green and blue lights now and that strange noise)????/// Huh? HUH???.....runs to take another pill....I mean HEY.....IT DID HAPPEN.........but no one told me there was a bust the next street over I just assumed it was aliens.......and Dude was swapped. (maybe one more pill huh?) </p><p> </p><p>Just sayin' -------m k? </p><p> </p><p>The shame in any of this is NOT accepting help and trying to continue to do this all on your onesies.....just tell yourself. I just need a little assistance for a while.....and when I get my house, self, and spirit in order? I shall let the assistant go. (kinda like Trump but more humble) </p><p> </p><p>OMG you should see the pink boots on Overstock.com.......MY MY MY MY MY................oh MSTANG!!!!!!!! shooooooe hoooooooe. </p><p> </p><p>J - you hang in there and think about all this - and find yersef' (yep I sed yersef) a free therapist - I mean you can do it~ If you can't do it for yourself pretend like you are getting services for a familes Mom that really needs help and don't give up until you do get someone for 'her' Know what I mean?? Worry about everyone else - LATER.....</p><p> </p><p>Hugs for your rheumy - </p><p>Love ya </p><p>Starbie</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 391548, member: 4964"] Jena - What I see between the lines (and by the way my boots were gray; although thinking about pink boots being a shoe- hoo (ask Mstang) I must say, did excite me - see picture from Bob Evans - 3" heels - lol) is a Mom who is ....lemme start over. What I think I see (okay I'm better with that lead in) What I think I see is a woman, a HIGH achiever who is used to doing tops, well, good, never less than almost the best. (Am I close?) All your life I would venture to say that anything and everything you have given a go at you have been VERY successful with. Not perfect, but you have always had a sense of self satisfaction that either you have achieved BETTER than most on some to all levels or you HAVE been TOPS in your class. I'm not saying smarter per se, but I am saying resourceful, clever, wit beyond compare, able to figure it out, doubtless in your abilities no matter WHAT the task. Your life has been a series of fearless endeavors. NOTHING you've tried except for maybe a few things you absolutely did not enjoy have ever fallen short of at least way better than everyone elses attempts. And the word CAN'T doesn't exist in your vocabulary. (Am I close still?) No need to answer I'm just hypothosizing (and not spelling that word worth a hang) So here you are, maybe a little unsure of yourself after your last relationship/marriage/baby daddy (omg I hate that word) but lets face facts. These men did nothing for our self-esteem and WE ALLOWED IT to happen. Then? Then we did nothing to fix ourselves. We just floated along in life thinking things like "If I'm away from him and find a nice guy, this will go away." Falacy #1. "If I get a weeks worth of counseling and read a book or two like women are from Mars and most men are from Pluto?" I'll have a handle on relationships and this won't happen again." Falacy #2. If I meet another guy who is almost the way I want I can change him with love and time. OH LORD falacy #3. And this snowball effect from our suitcased and mostly baggaged past drags into our present and wears us down so much that when little things happen in UTOPIA? We start blaming ourselves and taking ALL THE CREDIT for all the BAD and silently try to fix these things and in the MEAN TIME? We fall apart physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually - and eventually we explode!!! Then everyone in the house doesn't take us seriously and the louder we yell, complain, or sulk or retreat or blow up? The LESS anyone in our lives sees us as the rock that we once were. From here? It (our lives) crumble faster and faster - some of us may start drinking, binge grazing, being resentful, turn our entire lives into our work - OM do you know that I used to CRY when I got in the car on the way home from work because I didn't want to go home. I mean it was like....((((THANK YOU))) because for 8 hours NO ONE could bother me and then? AND THEN? HOLY SHEET CAKES.....the frosting hit the mixer and after everyone left the kitchen it was good old Mom who already worked 8 hours, plus got up 2 hours early to catch up with everything else - who cleaned up all the fall out. I hated coming home. HATED IT - I didn't hate my family - I just hated the thought of coming home. TO THEM.....Can you imagine? I used to try to think of ways to stay out - Errands, grocery, I think I had a love affair going on with Staples copy shop, and man could I copy things and collate slow....ly. But then I started thinking - I never see DF, or Dude. Part of me didn't care. But (sadly and admittedly) I missed my dogs. When I told my therapist this? I figured I'd get gasps of how horrible I was. Nope...HOW NORMAL ARE YOU instead. Then WHY didn't I want to be there. What could NOT JUST ME - but EVERYONE do to make it better. I mean it wasn't just me, but a LOT of it WAS me. I wasn't happy and not just health wise because well, my health was crud....but I had so much leftover junk in my head that I had never dealt with it spilled into my relationship with DF, and while I had always been a HIGH achiever my whole life I had to RE=Learn how to accept that it was OKAY that I couldn't fix ANYTHING situational.....but I could fix myself. Busywend is right. We teach others how to treat others by how we treat ourselves. (I think that's how it is or at least should be). And not just bubble bath and stuff like that.....and it doesn't happen over night it takes years. And it doesn't happen without help - IT TAKES LOTS OF HELP and intervention. You have a tough situation. You are not physically well. That alone is very emotionally draining. Then you have a new marriage - and that's tough as nails you two are still learning about each other. You have a business, kids - and one of them is a dreaded teen, PLUS PLUS....a girl (AHHHHHHHH RUN FOR THE HILLS) and then you are blessed with a difficult child who has emotional, eating, and who knows what else problems and honey - YOU ARE DOING THE BEST THAT YOU KNOW HOW TO DO - but what..WHAT is the shame in learning more? Like my therapist asked me.......WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU KNOW HOW to fix this when all the psychiatrists and doctors and counselors that have seen your kid so far have NO CLUE how to 'fix' him or even stablize him?" At this juncture in your life Star you need to first take care of you. This sets a much larger stage for your family because once you learn to take care of YOU first? You gain self-respect. If you have no self respect you have no control in your house, no way to have this without this because if you can't respect yourself no one else will either." So we worked on that for years. No joke. I laughed and thought - I do tooo I have control of my house I pay the bills, I shop, I clean I.....I......I can be replaced by a maid. I got rid of 40 some years plus of baggage too. Things I had no idea bugged me. NONE...zip, nada. I went through all past relationships and boyfriends and husband and wow - it was awful. But when I was done? When I was done I felt free. I had a clear vision of what I would and WOULD NOT tolerate. Talk about drawing boundaries. Not just IN my home, but in my life, in a store - heck even today in the vets office. I grew a voice and you can bet that now? If you do something that I don't like or won't tolerate? YOU HEAR about it NOW......not after it festers. I have no more tolerance for festering and GOD is it liberating to NOT waste time on junk like that. I wish I had 1 1/10 of my life back wasted on festering, grudges, vengeance. 1 1/10. Even with my son. The things I kept my mouth shut on? I stopped immediately. I stopped saying WILL YOU PLEASE......and started saying STOP IT NOW. END OF CONVERSATION. I stopped explaining WHY - I didn't add any cutesy little Because I'm the Mom....It was just SO....period. I said it-----that was it. DONE. Get used to the Mom I wish I had been YOUR whole life because she's here to stay. And SHE IS IN CHARGE. I'm never going to be the type of Mom in life that I was office manager. Or I'm never going to learn being a Mom as good as I was a horseback rider....I mean I felt at that? I excelled, I was a natural. I got on a horse like I was BORN there. I took to it like a horse takes to sweet feed. But with Mothering? OMG i struggled and scrapped and seems I fought it every step of the way when it should have been something 'natural', wonderful....fun.....and it wasn't. It was hard, miserable most days, long, exhausting, and almost never felt like I accomplished anything. Then as he got older I figured well he'll grow out of it? He just got worse and I adjusted my dreams even more and eventually joined the ranks of the detach=ment 101. Thinking nope, nope, nope....not me Oh no I will never be one of THEM......and here I am. Adjusting before insanity takes whats left of my heart (and bank account) I don't say ANY of this to make you feel less, or unfit or here's what YOU should do because. I'm saying this because YOU ARE a FANTASTIC Mom. You are a fantastic person, a wonderful wife....and you have a good soul, brilliant mind and you seek constantly for answers. This alone if I knew nothing about you? Puts you head and shoulders above - and you have a huge heart. But you can not simply continue to do this alone. And you can't do it from reading a little bit here, or there - or from just what I say....(Lord don't I wish -roflmeverything off) If I hadn't had a therapist? I'd be a nutjob - whackadoodle, on my third pair of state bed and breakfast maxi-pad craft class slippers for christmas gifts and finger paint set. (not kidding) Speaking of craft class.......Dammit Janet has a point - PAPER PLATES RULE. You can serve on them and make so many things out of them. frisbees...masks....snowshoes. :raspberry-tounge: It's my hope that something in here makes you understand that you're not a failure just because you can't fix THIS or that or this and her, and him and you, and them over there.......and ------everything in between. It's not a getting older thing, it's not a you're all washed up, used to be able to do it all thing and now you're married and can't thing...it's a THIS IS SO FLEEKING HUGE you for the first time in your life HAVE GOT TO ACCEPT OUTSIDE HELP in a HUGE way......and get used to being okay with that and other strange things....like possibly accepting the lights in the sky DID drop your kid inthe backyard (remember those green and blue lights now and that strange noise)????/// Huh? HUH???.....runs to take another pill....I mean HEY.....IT DID HAPPEN.........but no one told me there was a bust the next street over I just assumed it was aliens.......and Dude was swapped. (maybe one more pill huh?) Just sayin' -------m k? The shame in any of this is NOT accepting help and trying to continue to do this all on your onesies.....just tell yourself. I just need a little assistance for a while.....and when I get my house, self, and spirit in order? I shall let the assistant go. (kinda like Trump but more humble) OMG you should see the pink boots on Overstock.com.......MY MY MY MY MY................oh MSTANG!!!!!!!! shooooooe hoooooooe. J - you hang in there and think about all this - and find yersef' (yep I sed yersef) a free therapist - I mean you can do it~ If you can't do it for yourself pretend like you are getting services for a familes Mom that really needs help and don't give up until you do get someone for 'her' Know what I mean?? Worry about everyone else - LATER..... Hugs for your rheumy - Love ya Starbie [/QUOTE]
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