Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
i feel very unappreciated
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 391569" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Jena - </p><p> </p><p>You said I nailed you in the bathroom. (mmmmm...hmmm.......) just sayin'. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/laugh.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":laugh:" title="laugh :laugh:" data-shortname=":laugh:" /> (OH I KNOW BEEEEEEEEEhave) ----------->corner sheesh. </p><p> </p><p>You know I went to therapy before I left my X. To try to describe in words to anyone this monster isn't possible. I did, I couldn't, there was no failure in that. He simply walks in circles not of this world. How could I ever begin to explain that to anyone being a normal person? When I felt like I had fallen short of my descriptions? Or that the therapist had gotten "all she needed to know" about HIM and "Fixed me" from him? I stopped going. Huge mistake. But then again? Not. See I went to thearapy for 15 years. (OH I KNOW LONG TIME HUH?) But when I think back I can't think back - it's like *poof* time just went - well - *poof*. I saw the first counselor and remember this was when cell phones first came out. I was talking about being beaten nearly to death - I had been drug up and down a flight of stairs by my hair, on my face, on my back and beaten over and over (I was 119 lbs he was 250) had bones broken and the police asked me why I made him angry. I was in the middle of telling her how he was jumping up and down on my chest with his knee and I see her checking her CELL PHONE. OMg...it was like telling me - YOU.DO.NOT.MATTER. This is bogus - this is a waste - you are a waste and all the feelings of the same nature that I felt with my x - came rushing back in and I felt at that moment like garbage again. </p><p> </p><p>So why WOULD I continue with thearapy? I mean if THIS is what it was? WHY would ANYONE pour their heart out for (oh lemme check and see if I got a call). So I went to another woman after speaking with a friend who told me NO that was wrong. Well - okay if you say so. So I go to the next woman and - I YI YI......I wanted a person who was knowledgeable about the scriptures - I mean I had questions that overlapped my life. So I get this woman and the next thing I know I'm being judged - and YEOW........(runs outta there like my knickers were flaming - not even an exaggeration) - coulda grabbed a fire extinguisher on the way out - 10bc for hazmat cause LORD I WAS TOXIC - ......</p><p> </p><p>So now I'm thinking - WHT? I must be the devils own for leaving this man that beats me ----so finally I stumbled on this man that was supposed to be like the best of the best - and then (laughing) I couldn't afford him. WONDERFUL. So I cleaned his offices in lieu of payment. I saw him for about 2.6 years. Then I got so involved with Dudes life - I stopped and the man retired and we all started seeing Dudes thearapist who is phenominal. Saw him for like the last 7 years I think maybe 8. Yeah that man got to places in my life about adoption, childhood, parents, boyfriends, why this, why that - and you know - ALL THAT just does NOT (oh and sister too) happen over a year or a two year period. I mean 8 years....every week twice a week. Three times when Dude was living at home. WORTH EVERY TRIP. In 8 years I think I may have missed 2 appointments. But the stuff that we talked about in my life was ALL ABOUT MY LIFE. Like Philo dough - layer by thin layer by thin layer - peeling it back session after session and him giving me things to work on week after week - It was quite a transformation. The things that I let go of that I KNEW I had held on to were one thing, but the things that I let go of that I had NO IDEA I had a hold on from infancy - and toddler, childhood - INCREDIBLE how it forms your opinions, tastes, thoughts, all the mapping of your mind......and then there you are 37 ish and talking about when you were 3,4,5 and you remember things you haven't thought about for 40 years and WOW - is THAT why I do this....and THAT and OMG.....is that why I had such a hard time in school, and felt this way and that way and STILL feel like that? And can't say NO to this or that? </p><p>I mean I'd leave there each time and just feel like skipping - (a good thing too ) but mostly I just felt free. Unincumbered by ghosts of my past and feelings of being inadequate. I mean I was and always have been a very strong willed person but NOTHING like I am now. And of course I was opinionated - but easily bullied. Not now. I can speak my mind....and will and matters not to whom. I have always stood up for people my whole life so that didn't change - but what changed is HOW I react TO the people I stand up to. I'm not confrontational - I'm explainational. </p><p> </p><p>I'm not extra smart or anything else. If anything? I just started listening. I mean don't get me wrong - you talk to me in a conversation? I can talk - and talk and talk and well you get the idea...my brain goes about 100 times faster than my mouth ever could....and I'm not ADD or anything close - I just think light speed....but NOW Im an active listener who knows it is okay just to be herself. But I had to FIND me - and improve me.....and purge a TON of junk in that warehouse of a brain of mine (with therapy help) before I had room for the good stuff. I replaced doubt, and anger, and loathe, revenge and all the other bad stuff with - empty shelves, shred all the other stuff (EMDR therapy helped that) and now I'm filling it with good things. May sound nuts to anyone else, but it doesn't matter to anyone but me - I know what I want to put on the shelves in my mind. Not what I had there for the first 45 years. And you can do this but it takes time. And it takes support, and it takes being well mentally and physically. </p><p> </p><p>And good on you for the scheduling of the MRI. (snort) when I went in for mine as they slipped me into the tunnel I asked for an 8x10 glossy of my brain. When the booth asked me WHAT I was asking for ...I repeated "Can you see my brain?" and they said "Yes." I said "Good can you make me an 8x10 glossy print? I'd love to show it to my Mom because after I got married all I remember her saying was do you HAVE a brain in that head of yours? I'd like to show her proof that I do." </p><p> </p><p>yeah - good stuff.......<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/tongue.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":tongue:" title="tongue :tongue:" data-shortname=":tongue:" /></p><p> </p><p>OM just found MORE pink boots.........I looooooooathe overstock.com. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs & Love Dear - What you do for yourself? You ultimately do for your family.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 391569, member: 4964"] Jena - You said I nailed you in the bathroom. (mmmmm...hmmm.......) just sayin'. :funny: (OH I KNOW BEEEEEEEEEhave) ----------->corner sheesh. You know I went to therapy before I left my X. To try to describe in words to anyone this monster isn't possible. I did, I couldn't, there was no failure in that. He simply walks in circles not of this world. How could I ever begin to explain that to anyone being a normal person? When I felt like I had fallen short of my descriptions? Or that the therapist had gotten "all she needed to know" about HIM and "Fixed me" from him? I stopped going. Huge mistake. But then again? Not. See I went to thearapy for 15 years. (OH I KNOW LONG TIME HUH?) But when I think back I can't think back - it's like *poof* time just went - well - *poof*. I saw the first counselor and remember this was when cell phones first came out. I was talking about being beaten nearly to death - I had been drug up and down a flight of stairs by my hair, on my face, on my back and beaten over and over (I was 119 lbs he was 250) had bones broken and the police asked me why I made him angry. I was in the middle of telling her how he was jumping up and down on my chest with his knee and I see her checking her CELL PHONE. OMg...it was like telling me - YOU.DO.NOT.MATTER. This is bogus - this is a waste - you are a waste and all the feelings of the same nature that I felt with my x - came rushing back in and I felt at that moment like garbage again. So why WOULD I continue with thearapy? I mean if THIS is what it was? WHY would ANYONE pour their heart out for (oh lemme check and see if I got a call). So I went to another woman after speaking with a friend who told me NO that was wrong. Well - okay if you say so. So I go to the next woman and - I YI YI......I wanted a person who was knowledgeable about the scriptures - I mean I had questions that overlapped my life. So I get this woman and the next thing I know I'm being judged - and YEOW........(runs outta there like my knickers were flaming - not even an exaggeration) - coulda grabbed a fire extinguisher on the way out - 10bc for hazmat cause LORD I WAS TOXIC - ...... So now I'm thinking - WHT? I must be the devils own for leaving this man that beats me ----so finally I stumbled on this man that was supposed to be like the best of the best - and then (laughing) I couldn't afford him. WONDERFUL. So I cleaned his offices in lieu of payment. I saw him for about 2.6 years. Then I got so involved with Dudes life - I stopped and the man retired and we all started seeing Dudes thearapist who is phenominal. Saw him for like the last 7 years I think maybe 8. Yeah that man got to places in my life about adoption, childhood, parents, boyfriends, why this, why that - and you know - ALL THAT just does NOT (oh and sister too) happen over a year or a two year period. I mean 8 years....every week twice a week. Three times when Dude was living at home. WORTH EVERY TRIP. In 8 years I think I may have missed 2 appointments. But the stuff that we talked about in my life was ALL ABOUT MY LIFE. Like Philo dough - layer by thin layer by thin layer - peeling it back session after session and him giving me things to work on week after week - It was quite a transformation. The things that I let go of that I KNEW I had held on to were one thing, but the things that I let go of that I had NO IDEA I had a hold on from infancy - and toddler, childhood - INCREDIBLE how it forms your opinions, tastes, thoughts, all the mapping of your mind......and then there you are 37 ish and talking about when you were 3,4,5 and you remember things you haven't thought about for 40 years and WOW - is THAT why I do this....and THAT and OMG.....is that why I had such a hard time in school, and felt this way and that way and STILL feel like that? And can't say NO to this or that? I mean I'd leave there each time and just feel like skipping - (a good thing too ) but mostly I just felt free. Unincumbered by ghosts of my past and feelings of being inadequate. I mean I was and always have been a very strong willed person but NOTHING like I am now. And of course I was opinionated - but easily bullied. Not now. I can speak my mind....and will and matters not to whom. I have always stood up for people my whole life so that didn't change - but what changed is HOW I react TO the people I stand up to. I'm not confrontational - I'm explainational. I'm not extra smart or anything else. If anything? I just started listening. I mean don't get me wrong - you talk to me in a conversation? I can talk - and talk and talk and well you get the idea...my brain goes about 100 times faster than my mouth ever could....and I'm not ADD or anything close - I just think light speed....but NOW Im an active listener who knows it is okay just to be herself. But I had to FIND me - and improve me.....and purge a TON of junk in that warehouse of a brain of mine (with therapy help) before I had room for the good stuff. I replaced doubt, and anger, and loathe, revenge and all the other bad stuff with - empty shelves, shred all the other stuff (EMDR therapy helped that) and now I'm filling it with good things. May sound nuts to anyone else, but it doesn't matter to anyone but me - I know what I want to put on the shelves in my mind. Not what I had there for the first 45 years. And you can do this but it takes time. And it takes support, and it takes being well mentally and physically. And good on you for the scheduling of the MRI. (snort) when I went in for mine as they slipped me into the tunnel I asked for an 8x10 glossy of my brain. When the booth asked me WHAT I was asking for ...I repeated "Can you see my brain?" and they said "Yes." I said "Good can you make me an 8x10 glossy print? I'd love to show it to my Mom because after I got married all I remember her saying was do you HAVE a brain in that head of yours? I'd like to show her proof that I do." yeah - good stuff.......:raspberry-tounge: OM just found MORE pink boots.........I looooooooathe overstock.com. Hugs & Love Dear - What you do for yourself? You ultimately do for your family. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
i feel very unappreciated
Top