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Parent Emeritus
I finally did it, but Bart is fuming and blocked me.
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 740866" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>SWOT I am so glad you are setting your boundaries with him. It sounds exhausting to keep up with all of his needs and desires. And it is high time he learns that relationships and conversations are a two way street, even with parents. He wants to control both sides of the equation - what he says and how you respond. And that’s not fair. He only gets to control his side. He can’t control yours. If he doesn’t like that, I guess he can keep you blocked - and you can enjoy your peace!</p><p></p><p>I sometimes feel guilty because I don’t really want to talk to my difficult ones a lot of the time. I worry when they go silent, but it’s also a relief. They can rant for an hour or more, with me hardly saying a word, about what a moron their latest roommate was, how unfair their boss is, how much their life sucks, etc. I’m a sounding board for their anger and frustration. And it drains me. Afterwards, I feel like all that negativity is sticking to me like 50 pounds of wet cement. I just want to crawl under the bed and curl up in a ball.</p><p></p><p>I’m a little ashamed to admit it, but I don’t always answer their calls. Sometimes their number comes up on my phone and I just can’t. I know it will destroy me. So I let it go, maybe text back later and say hey I saw you called hope everything is alright.</p><p></p><p>This is why I’ve learned to stay very neutral in most of my conversations with them. It’s self preservation. If I know they don’t really want answers and my giving them will only make them angry, why try? So I just reflect back. Oh, that sounds tough. Sorry to hear that. And I get dumb. I’ve gotten so, so dumb as I’ve gotten older. Gee, I don’t know why he would have said that. Huh, I don’t know anything about that. I don’t know what you should do either let me know when you figure it out.</p><p></p><p>Because they don’t want answers from me. My answers enrage them. They just want to use me as a punching bag to vent their frustration. And they already know the answers anyway. When I articulate them, it’s just an opportunity for them to practice out loud all of the denials and excuses they are using in their own head. And I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to give them the opportunity to express it. So I stay dumb, and neutral. </p><p></p><p>It makes me sad, because it makes our relationships feel less authentic. It’s like I’m talking to a stranger on the bus. Oh dear, sorry for your luck, well this is my stop good luck to you. Occasionally, when I sense they are in a better place and more open, we have a conversation that is deep and meaningful and true. But more often than not, it’s stranger-on-the-bus.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I’ve asked myself this question also and I think uunderstanding the answers does help us set better boundaries with our difficult children. I know my boundary difficulties go back to childhood, to the assumption that if there was any conflict between me and someone else, it was probably my fault. I was smart enough to see I was different from my peers but not smart enough to figure out exactly how and what I was doing wrong. And my family was of the stoic school. So, getting bullied? Just stop being weird then. (Which directly translated, in my head, to getting beat up by your husband? Just stop making him angry then.) I always assumed everyone else had it together and understood all the social rules I was missing, so I needed to do what they told me to and mirror their behaviors as best as I could. I learned not to trust myself. I learned my needs and differences didn’t matter. </p><p></p><p>I’ve since learned everyone else didn’t have it as together as I assumed they did, that I wasnt as dumb or as weird as I thought, and some of my biggest differences are also some of my biggest strengths. And that it’s ok to be who I am, and to speak up for my own needs, and arrange my life and living situation around my preferences. It’s taken a lot of therapy, and a lot of deliberate study, to understand myself and others around me. But I’ve learned to trust myself finally. </p><p></p><p>And I’ve stopped thinking that my life is just meant to be always in service to others and never to myself. Including my children. No relationship is sustainable when it is entirely one way, and the other person takes and takes without ever giving back. Young children give back in love and giggles and dandelion bouquets. Developmentally disabled children and adults can give back in love and hugs and concern. It is not an impossible expectation that our children, no matter their current problems, should be able to give something back every once in a while, and express concern for us instead of just themselves. We do a disservice to both ourselves and to them if we don’t expect to be treated well.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 740866, member: 23349"] SWOT I am so glad you are setting your boundaries with him. It sounds exhausting to keep up with all of his needs and desires. And it is high time he learns that relationships and conversations are a two way street, even with parents. He wants to control both sides of the equation - what he says and how you respond. And that’s not fair. He only gets to control his side. He can’t control yours. If he doesn’t like that, I guess he can keep you blocked - and you can enjoy your peace! I sometimes feel guilty because I don’t really want to talk to my difficult ones a lot of the time. I worry when they go silent, but it’s also a relief. They can rant for an hour or more, with me hardly saying a word, about what a moron their latest roommate was, how unfair their boss is, how much their life sucks, etc. I’m a sounding board for their anger and frustration. And it drains me. Afterwards, I feel like all that negativity is sticking to me like 50 pounds of wet cement. I just want to crawl under the bed and curl up in a ball. I’m a little ashamed to admit it, but I don’t always answer their calls. Sometimes their number comes up on my phone and I just can’t. I know it will destroy me. So I let it go, maybe text back later and say hey I saw you called hope everything is alright. This is why I’ve learned to stay very neutral in most of my conversations with them. It’s self preservation. If I know they don’t really want answers and my giving them will only make them angry, why try? So I just reflect back. Oh, that sounds tough. Sorry to hear that. And I get dumb. I’ve gotten so, so dumb as I’ve gotten older. Gee, I don’t know why he would have said that. Huh, I don’t know anything about that. I don’t know what you should do either let me know when you figure it out. Because they don’t want answers from me. My answers enrage them. They just want to use me as a punching bag to vent their frustration. And they already know the answers anyway. When I articulate them, it’s just an opportunity for them to practice out loud all of the denials and excuses they are using in their own head. And I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to give them the opportunity to express it. So I stay dumb, and neutral. It makes me sad, because it makes our relationships feel less authentic. It’s like I’m talking to a stranger on the bus. Oh dear, sorry for your luck, well this is my stop good luck to you. Occasionally, when I sense they are in a better place and more open, we have a conversation that is deep and meaningful and true. But more often than not, it’s stranger-on-the-bus. I’ve asked myself this question also and I think uunderstanding the answers does help us set better boundaries with our difficult children. I know my boundary difficulties go back to childhood, to the assumption that if there was any conflict between me and someone else, it was probably my fault. I was smart enough to see I was different from my peers but not smart enough to figure out exactly how and what I was doing wrong. And my family was of the stoic school. So, getting bullied? Just stop being weird then. (Which directly translated, in my head, to getting beat up by your husband? Just stop making him angry then.) I always assumed everyone else had it together and understood all the social rules I was missing, so I needed to do what they told me to and mirror their behaviors as best as I could. I learned not to trust myself. I learned my needs and differences didn’t matter. I’ve since learned everyone else didn’t have it as together as I assumed they did, that I wasnt as dumb or as weird as I thought, and some of my biggest differences are also some of my biggest strengths. And that it’s ok to be who I am, and to speak up for my own needs, and arrange my life and living situation around my preferences. It’s taken a lot of therapy, and a lot of deliberate study, to understand myself and others around me. But I’ve learned to trust myself finally. And I’ve stopped thinking that my life is just meant to be always in service to others and never to myself. Including my children. No relationship is sustainable when it is entirely one way, and the other person takes and takes without ever giving back. Young children give back in love and giggles and dandelion bouquets. Developmentally disabled children and adults can give back in love and hugs and concern. It is not an impossible expectation that our children, no matter their current problems, should be able to give something back every once in a while, and express concern for us instead of just themselves. We do a disservice to both ourselves and to them if we don’t expect to be treated well. [/QUOTE]
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I finally did it, but Bart is fuming and blocked me.
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