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Parent Emeritus
I finally did it, but Bart is fuming and blocked me.
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<blockquote data-quote="Deni D" data-source="post: 740875" data-attributes="member: 22840"><p>SWOT, sorry about your kitty. I have three of my own, one is older and not doing very well.</p><p></p><p>I had been where you are with my son, for what seemed like a very long time, but I suspect not nearly as long as you have. It’s just not right, sorry you have been having to deal with this for so long.</p><p></p><p></p><p>We had a pattern like you have, where I felt like my only use during conversations was to be an emotional punching bag. My son, like yours could at best be described as self-centered in my interactions with him. Nothing in my life was of any interest to him, not even a medical emergency. Back in the spring I went to the ER on a Friday night. They admitted me, I had emergency surgery for gall stones Saturday, then they took my gallbladder out Sunday. My son was annoyed that he couldn’t get me on the phone that weekend. My significant other called him after I had received his normal 10-20 phone blasts in a row without answering, to get him to stop so I could leave my phone on and not annoy my roommate. I forget what he wanted but I do remember not being at all surprised or even upset that he was not concerned for my wellbeing. That’s just how it is, right? It begs the question how do we get used to this stuff? And do we question ourselves about it being okay? I type as if my son is different now, he’s really not, but I do that to remind myself I’m not going back there no matter what he does.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I too when I was younger couldn’t figure out the secret code. I only had one rule to go by, it was written above the black board in every classroom in my grammar school. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” I thought that meant if someone was mean or inconsiderate then I should be nice to them so they would in turn be nice to me. Of course we all know how that worked out. I still have problems sometimes in this area, can’t really figure out how to turn things around with someone who’s hell bent to treat me with disdain. But I do know people who don’t take it are much quicker to deal with it so it doesn’t become as much of a problem.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I have a very strong feeling he’s going to ramp things up. Most likely he will have bigger crises and try to “prove” to you that by you setting limits you have caused them. What helped me during those times was to remember that my son couldn’t deal with everyone in his life the way he deals with me. He was capable of respecting people, he had to be, or he wouldn’t have a roof over his head or a job. Also I decided that by putting up with his bad behavior I was teaching him that it was okay and a better lesson would be to teach him it was not okay, by not taking it. There are different, more healthy ways, to vent when someone is upset, which is really all he doing with you. He might learn them or not, but I think by you stepping aside as you are doing he has a better chance.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I hope you’re having a great day and have a great weekend!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Deni D, post: 740875, member: 22840"] SWOT, sorry about your kitty. I have three of my own, one is older and not doing very well. I had been where you are with my son, for what seemed like a very long time, but I suspect not nearly as long as you have. It’s just not right, sorry you have been having to deal with this for so long. We had a pattern like you have, where I felt like my only use during conversations was to be an emotional punching bag. My son, like yours could at best be described as self-centered in my interactions with him. Nothing in my life was of any interest to him, not even a medical emergency. Back in the spring I went to the ER on a Friday night. They admitted me, I had emergency surgery for gall stones Saturday, then they took my gallbladder out Sunday. My son was annoyed that he couldn’t get me on the phone that weekend. My significant other called him after I had received his normal 10-20 phone blasts in a row without answering, to get him to stop so I could leave my phone on and not annoy my roommate. I forget what he wanted but I do remember not being at all surprised or even upset that he was not concerned for my wellbeing. That’s just how it is, right? It begs the question how do we get used to this stuff? And do we question ourselves about it being okay? I type as if my son is different now, he’s really not, but I do that to remind myself I’m not going back there no matter what he does. I too when I was younger couldn’t figure out the secret code. I only had one rule to go by, it was written above the black board in every classroom in my grammar school. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” I thought that meant if someone was mean or inconsiderate then I should be nice to them so they would in turn be nice to me. Of course we all know how that worked out. I still have problems sometimes in this area, can’t really figure out how to turn things around with someone who’s hell bent to treat me with disdain. But I do know people who don’t take it are much quicker to deal with it so it doesn’t become as much of a problem. I have a very strong feeling he’s going to ramp things up. Most likely he will have bigger crises and try to “prove” to you that by you setting limits you have caused them. What helped me during those times was to remember that my son couldn’t deal with everyone in his life the way he deals with me. He was capable of respecting people, he had to be, or he wouldn’t have a roof over his head or a job. Also I decided that by putting up with his bad behavior I was teaching him that it was okay and a better lesson would be to teach him it was not okay, by not taking it. There are different, more healthy ways, to vent when someone is upset, which is really all he doing with you. He might learn them or not, but I think by you stepping aside as you are doing he has a better chance. I hope you’re having a great day and have a great weekend! [/QUOTE]
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