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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 45592" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I'm on the side of those who say you probably should have considered your son's extreme reluctance to invite this boy. However, you did it and he did express his feelings verbally, although he didn't act on them.</p><p></p><p>I would in future, respect his feelings when they are this strong - I used to do what you did, I learnt that my kids, even the autistic ones and that young, still had a really good 'feel' for who is good to be around and who is simply not safe.</p><p></p><p>But I would also teach him that to SAY things like this where they can be overheard, and where these words will wound (and therefore do not good at all) is not acceptable. If you can't say something good, say nothing. Never talk about someone behind their back, especially if you're being nasty. Always speak the truth unless the truth will hurt, when you say nothing instead.</p><p>I would also congratulate him on at least trying to be kind (by accepting that he WAS at the party) and by not being openly mean.</p><p></p><p>I would also point out - despite having overheard him say that he didn't like him, your son still got invited to this other boys' party, AND he chose to go. Why did he go to the party of a boy he didn't like? Get him to answer that one. Was it purely mercenary, so he could get the fun and the other frills? If so, he needs to consider that his views on this boy can be corrupted so cheaply - if he really felt such a strong dislike for this boy, he should have stood his moral ground and not gone to the party. But in going, it is a truce, at least, where mutual tolerance is the bare minimum from this point.</p><p></p><p>I'm possibly being a bit harsh, but this is basically calling him on it. I wouldn't get too insistent, just enough so he can see that his behaviour showed a double standard, and he needs to recognise double standards when he sees them again, so he can avoid them in the future. It's about making good, moral, honest choices, rather than whether he's right or wrong to want to avoid this boy.</p><p></p><p>He IS 6, but he has very strong views. He's also extremely sensitive about others being hurt; he's clearly showing empathy. So if his dislike of this boy is so intense despite this empathy, there must be a reason for it (at least a good one for him).</p><p></p><p>I do think the other mother was being a bit oversensitive, but she did have to mention it, as soon as possible, so you could both sort things out and clear the air at least with each other. Kids will be kids, but the parents need to behave like adults despite them.</p><p></p><p>As I said before, I used to insist on inviting kids who I felt needed a friend, of who I thought would be good for my kids to be around. In just about every case, it was a big mistake. Some of these kids turned out to be little horrors; some were the teacher's pet and citizen of the year, but underneath were sneaky bullies; some were weak and changed friends like a weathervane, depending on who was 'in fashion' as a friend this week. I didn't credit my kids' perceptions enough, to know who they felt safe with.</p><p></p><p>And in difficult child 3's case, he was often the weird kid who only got invited because the parents made their child, to be "nice to the handicapped kid." One mother actually told me she wanted her son to be with mine on play dates, so her son could learn to be compassionate and considerate. Frankly, her son simply wasn't interested. He later was often hanging around with the worst of those who bullied difficult child 3, although never an instigator himself. These days he's friendly, polite and tends to look out for difficult child 3 a bit but they don't talk about anything because they have no common ground. He's not a bad kid; simply not in the same social group and never should have been, they just don't have anything much in common.</p><p></p><p>Some things, you just shouldn't force.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 45592, member: 1991"] I'm on the side of those who say you probably should have considered your son's extreme reluctance to invite this boy. However, you did it and he did express his feelings verbally, although he didn't act on them. I would in future, respect his feelings when they are this strong - I used to do what you did, I learnt that my kids, even the autistic ones and that young, still had a really good 'feel' for who is good to be around and who is simply not safe. But I would also teach him that to SAY things like this where they can be overheard, and where these words will wound (and therefore do not good at all) is not acceptable. If you can't say something good, say nothing. Never talk about someone behind their back, especially if you're being nasty. Always speak the truth unless the truth will hurt, when you say nothing instead. I would also congratulate him on at least trying to be kind (by accepting that he WAS at the party) and by not being openly mean. I would also point out - despite having overheard him say that he didn't like him, your son still got invited to this other boys' party, AND he chose to go. Why did he go to the party of a boy he didn't like? Get him to answer that one. Was it purely mercenary, so he could get the fun and the other frills? If so, he needs to consider that his views on this boy can be corrupted so cheaply - if he really felt such a strong dislike for this boy, he should have stood his moral ground and not gone to the party. But in going, it is a truce, at least, where mutual tolerance is the bare minimum from this point. I'm possibly being a bit harsh, but this is basically calling him on it. I wouldn't get too insistent, just enough so he can see that his behaviour showed a double standard, and he needs to recognise double standards when he sees them again, so he can avoid them in the future. It's about making good, moral, honest choices, rather than whether he's right or wrong to want to avoid this boy. He IS 6, but he has very strong views. He's also extremely sensitive about others being hurt; he's clearly showing empathy. So if his dislike of this boy is so intense despite this empathy, there must be a reason for it (at least a good one for him). I do think the other mother was being a bit oversensitive, but she did have to mention it, as soon as possible, so you could both sort things out and clear the air at least with each other. Kids will be kids, but the parents need to behave like adults despite them. As I said before, I used to insist on inviting kids who I felt needed a friend, of who I thought would be good for my kids to be around. In just about every case, it was a big mistake. Some of these kids turned out to be little horrors; some were the teacher's pet and citizen of the year, but underneath were sneaky bullies; some were weak and changed friends like a weathervane, depending on who was 'in fashion' as a friend this week. I didn't credit my kids' perceptions enough, to know who they felt safe with. And in difficult child 3's case, he was often the weird kid who only got invited because the parents made their child, to be "nice to the handicapped kid." One mother actually told me she wanted her son to be with mine on play dates, so her son could learn to be compassionate and considerate. Frankly, her son simply wasn't interested. He later was often hanging around with the worst of those who bullied difficult child 3, although never an instigator himself. These days he's friendly, polite and tends to look out for difficult child 3 a bit but they don't talk about anything because they have no common ground. He's not a bad kid; simply not in the same social group and never should have been, they just don't have anything much in common. Some things, you just shouldn't force. Marg [/QUOTE]
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