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<blockquote data-quote="LoveMyDuke" data-source="post: 312912"><p>Thanks to all of you. It makes me cry because I've never had support like this before. I have a best friend 5 hours away and my sister, but they don't truly "get it." Sometimes I think they just get worn out from me....they don't understand what it's like.</p><p> </p><p>Susiestar, I can't imagine dealing with two suicides. One has been awful enough. I'm so sorry for your losses. I WILL look for a grief group...I promise that.</p><p> </p><p>The counselor I started seeing last week also suggested we start working on "Tim stuff." I agreed. I think I'm ready. Even though we weren't together when he died, he was my soul mate and absolute best friend in the world. He was a sad, sick, troubled soul--but he was also a beautiful soul. Someone who made this world better, despite all his demons. I couldn't be in the relationship anymore, but all I ever wanted was for him to get better and be happy. I never wished a bad thing on him--even through all the horrific stuff I dealt with from his alcoholism. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and miss him. And Ashley, of course. She is part of why I live for my nephews and niece--I shower them with all the love and attention and good things I never had the chance to give Ashley. They are the lights of my life and I CAN'T WAIT to go up north to see them this weekend!</p><p> </p><p>T.Paul, how right you are about the "dark pit." It's a place I never, ever want to see again. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. No one ever tells me "you can do it" and it's nice to hear. </p><p> </p><p>Yes, everything I own in the world is here. I talked to my brother-in-law today (my sis's hub)...we are close, he's like a "real" brother...and he said just tell me when and we will be there to move you. I will do like you said--during the day, when no one is home. I don't want confrontation. I don't want drama. I don't want a single thing of his. I just want out.</p><p> </p><p>I suppose you're all right about Dave. He COULD get violent with me. What am I thinking?? Sometimes I think that I'm just used to chaos...that I gravitate toward it because it's all I've known for the last 20 years. I didn't grow up that way, my parents are wonderful people and I love them dearly. There was never violence or drinking/drugs or chaos in my family. My dad is retired pastor, for crying out loud! (And no, don't believe ANY of the stereotypes about preachers' daughters. My dad is a wonderful man who always said "my girls aren't perfect, just like anyone else's." He never held us to a higher standard and I never felt the need to rebel or be the "goody two shoes" preacher's kid. I was always just me and my parents loved me for that.)</p><p> </p><p>Anyway, I am exhausted. Mental/emotional exhaustion is the worst kind. I do triathlons and have never been this exhausted after finishing a race.</p><p> </p><p>My counselor gave this cheesy metaphor last week about numerator/denominator. She said to think of my life as a fraction: the denominator=the bad stuff, the numerator=the good stuff. She said to work on stacking the numerator in my favor, because the more good stuff you have the easier the bad stuff is to cope with. So I went hiking today to do something good for myself instead of sit here amidst the chaos. It helped. </p><p> </p><p>I am rambling again. Thanks again to all of you. I am trying...I will stick around this board. And I will check into grief groups. I know of several in the area, actually...I just never had the guts to go. Maybe it's time.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="LoveMyDuke, post: 312912"] Thanks to all of you. It makes me cry because I've never had support like this before. I have a best friend 5 hours away and my sister, but they don't truly "get it." Sometimes I think they just get worn out from me....they don't understand what it's like. Susiestar, I can't imagine dealing with two suicides. One has been awful enough. I'm so sorry for your losses. I WILL look for a grief group...I promise that. The counselor I started seeing last week also suggested we start working on "Tim stuff." I agreed. I think I'm ready. Even though we weren't together when he died, he was my soul mate and absolute best friend in the world. He was a sad, sick, troubled soul--but he was also a beautiful soul. Someone who made this world better, despite all his demons. I couldn't be in the relationship anymore, but all I ever wanted was for him to get better and be happy. I never wished a bad thing on him--even through all the horrific stuff I dealt with from his alcoholism. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and miss him. And Ashley, of course. She is part of why I live for my nephews and niece--I shower them with all the love and attention and good things I never had the chance to give Ashley. They are the lights of my life and I CAN'T WAIT to go up north to see them this weekend! T.Paul, how right you are about the "dark pit." It's a place I never, ever want to see again. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. No one ever tells me "you can do it" and it's nice to hear. Yes, everything I own in the world is here. I talked to my brother-in-law today (my sis's hub)...we are close, he's like a "real" brother...and he said just tell me when and we will be there to move you. I will do like you said--during the day, when no one is home. I don't want confrontation. I don't want drama. I don't want a single thing of his. I just want out. I suppose you're all right about Dave. He COULD get violent with me. What am I thinking?? Sometimes I think that I'm just used to chaos...that I gravitate toward it because it's all I've known for the last 20 years. I didn't grow up that way, my parents are wonderful people and I love them dearly. There was never violence or drinking/drugs or chaos in my family. My dad is retired pastor, for crying out loud! (And no, don't believe ANY of the stereotypes about preachers' daughters. My dad is a wonderful man who always said "my girls aren't perfect, just like anyone else's." He never held us to a higher standard and I never felt the need to rebel or be the "goody two shoes" preacher's kid. I was always just me and my parents loved me for that.) Anyway, I am exhausted. Mental/emotional exhaustion is the worst kind. I do triathlons and have never been this exhausted after finishing a race. My counselor gave this cheesy metaphor last week about numerator/denominator. She said to think of my life as a fraction: the denominator=the bad stuff, the numerator=the good stuff. She said to work on stacking the numerator in my favor, because the more good stuff you have the easier the bad stuff is to cope with. So I went hiking today to do something good for myself instead of sit here amidst the chaos. It helped. I am rambling again. Thanks again to all of you. I am trying...I will stick around this board. And I will check into grief groups. I know of several in the area, actually...I just never had the guts to go. Maybe it's time. [/QUOTE]
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