I have nowhere else to go

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by LoveMyDuke, Oct 18, 2009.

  1. LoveMyDuke

    LoveMyDuke Guest

    I'm new here, and no one here really knows me, but it's my only place to turn. I have no one else. I don't what else to do but cry and type on some stupid message board to total strangers. I guess I just need to vent.

    Right now I am having a hard time referring to either of them as my SO or my SS. I hate them both. They are Dave and Brandon. No one will ever know who I am so I don't care about privacy issues.

    Yesterday Dave let the kid place videogames ALL day and ALL night, with a couple hours of TV in between. So last night when Dave said "time to get off the game," of course the kid melted down. He screamed and screamed.

    I'm sick--of nasty flu. I was in bed all day yesterday. And it happens that the computer room is on the other side of the wall from our bedroom. So of course, I had to listen to it all in stereo surround sound. Granted, it wouldn't have been much better anywhere else in the house...but it was the idea. I have no escape from the tirades.

    So I lost it. I told Dave, "what the hell were you thinking--you KNOW what hours of videogames do to that kid." He responded by telling me to shut the f**k up, f**k off...you get the picture. He knew I was right and it ****** him off.

    Then I started losing it on the kid, telling him to just shut up. He screams without tears--just screams for the sake of screaming. I was sick and just couldn't take it.

    This morning it started all over again. The kid started screaming for God knows what. He was holding a glass of water ready to throw it in my face, and Dave says "go ahead, she's just a b***h." Then he tells the kid to follow me around the house screaming in my face. And after this, I hear Dave telling the kid how "she is crazy. she needs a psychologist."

    So the kid threw water at me and I threw water back at him. The right choice? No. I realize this. But you know how you get to the point where you just can't take anymore? I was there...I just could not handle it anymore.

    Then Dave starts yelling at me, telling me "don't you treat my son that way." Now, let me tell you about HIS stellar parenting skills. He has outright physically assualted that child--many times. I have seen it with my own eyes. One time he ground a handful of salt into the kid's face so he "had something cry about." Same with an entire bar of Irish Spring soap. The kid had green between his teeth for hours because Dave ground it in so hard. And how about the times Dave tries shutting up his kid by covering his mouth? I'm talking forcefuly holding the kids mouth, telling him "breath through your nose." And then there are all the times he has physically kicked this child out of the house...I mean with his feet, shoving a screaming, flailing, out of control child literally out the front door, telling him "get the f**k out." I could tell A LOT of stories like that about this man's fine use of unnecessary and ILLEGAL force against his kid. And how about all the times he's told his kid "I can't f*ing stand you, I wish I never had you."

    But of course none of that matters. I'M the bad one...Dad is perfect.

    Does that make what I did OK? No. Of course not. It was immature and stupid and really bad judgment. I regret doing it. And now the two of them are sitting downstairs and Dave is talking about what a crazy b***h I am and the kid is saying "yea, you should kick her out."

    I have to be here. For right now I just don't have too many options open to me. I have no friends in the area to turn to and no family closer than 3 hours. I will have to suck up to Dave and make nice so he doesn't follow the kid's orders and truly kick me out.

    I hate them both. HATE THEM. I'd do anything to just get away from here and never, ever have to see either of them again. They are two very disturbed individuals who are frighteningly ignorant of their own screwed up circumstance. But I just can't leave right now.

    All I can do is cry and whine at a bunch of strangers who maybe understand what this is like.
  2. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    It's good to meet you & this is truly a gentle place to land. So this may seem a bit harsh.

    Child services need to be contacted to protect that child. In the same rite, you need to find a women's shelter. They will help you get back on your feet & back closer to family if necessary.

    None of what happened yesterday was good ~ I'm the parent of children adopted out of foster care; abused in the bio home. There will be long term affects on this child. Bio parent isn't parenting - he's being abusive to both of you.

    I'm sorry to be so harsh AND I know the damage this kind of situation does to a child. I'm living the damage, the trauma.

    Take care of you. Find some way to get protection for that child.

    And (((((gentle hugs))))) to you this morning.
  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    There are some really bad parenting habits here that have not been helping. No wonder it is such a mess.

    You were right to be critical of your own behaviour in this, but again - extenuating circumstances.

    There need to be some very strict ground rules put in place, but it doesn't sound like SuperDad is in any state to understand them. However, until that happens, there will only be backward progress.

    It's late, I should be in bed, so I can't say much more right now. I'm only up this late because of problems of my own (which I can't share with the mob - they're non-difficult child-related, plus a tad specialised).

    I'll try to help more tomorrow.

    Hang in there. I do have some ideas for you. But for now - I strongly suggest you get some earplugs and detach, big time. Do your utmost to not react. This kid needs a hero, and the first thing that needs to be done, is a total back-away from reactivity. The kid is only going to react to the poor example set by dad.

  4. LoveMyDuke

    LoveMyDuke Guest

    I'm afraid to call CPS. Brandon will protect his father to the bitter end and I'm scared to death that the kid will accuse ME of things. He hates me. I have never abused that kid. This morning with the water--yea, I lost it, but I have never done anything else. In fact, I have protected him. I told Dave that if I EVER see him touch that child again, I would call the police. He hasn't done it since.

    But now the tables are turned...it's them against me. If I try reporting anything now, I will be homeless AND at risk for accusations from this kid. A shelter won't take me, not with my dog and two cats. Leaving Duke is NOT an option. I would live in my car before I left him. He is my best friend and like a kid to me.

    I called a shelter once. The waiting list is "miles long," as she put it, and because I am not being physically abused I sink to the bottom.

    Usually Dave isn't like this...but there's this disturbing side to him. It's the same thing his kid does. They both "snap" and just flip out...then as quickly as it came on, they are back to "normal." And it's like nothing ever happened. I'm not excusing Dave's behavior one bit, believe me. If anything it is creepy.

    As for the kid. I'm sorry...I do not care enough anymore to intervene on his behalf. I don't care what happens to him. I just want him to leave me alone. That's all--just stay away from me until I can figure out what to do.

    I'm not offended by harsh words. They are all right. I KNOW how disturbing this situation is. I just don't know how to get out....
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There are homes for abused women and you are being abused. There is always a way out unless you put your own block up. Go ask a center for domestic abuse what your options are. You can't do anything about SO and his son and it isn't going to change. Domestic abuse shelters often find foster homes for pets while their people stay at the shelter. At our shelter there are animal lovers who will give your precious dog tons of care. I know where you are coming from as I love my dogs and would not leave them permanently. If you tell the state you live in, I can hook you up with a Lab rescue who may be happy to help you out short-term. Some domestic abuse shelters have their own list of people who care for animals while their people are in treatment and I believe you can visit the dogs. He's a beautiful dog!!!!

    Put yourself on the waiting list for the shelter, even if it takes a long time, after making sure they won't make you give up Duke. Then find out about public housing. I think our public housing out here allows pets. Find out. Call social services...they can direct you to public housing. Check out nicer, non-dangerous trailer parks. They are cheap living, and most allow pets. Hub and I are thinking of moving to one when our kids are grown because it's friendly and we don't want to do the upkeep on a house anymore. And if they didn't allow pets, we wouldn't go! They can be incredibly cheap to rent. If you are handy, they can be really cheap to buy. Some do drug screening so you don't have a bad element in the park.

    One thing I'd do is call CPS if his father is abusing him, but do it after you get out, not now. But to get emotionally involved in them...I wouldn't. Who cares if the kid plays videogames all day? It isn't your problem. I assume you plan to bolt as soon as you can. Why even deal with them? For now, until you can find another option (and I don't believe there are none...although I do believe you think there are none), I'd stay upstairs and read or watch telly, go to work during the day (if you don't have a job look for one or try to do enjoyable stuff alone) and join a support group.

    If this man drinks, join Al-Anon. If he does drugs join Narc-Anon. You'll make friends who understand. Why say a word and bring this man's abuse on you? And, really, I understand how you lost it with the kid, but it's not your place or your responsibility to worry about his well being. You aren't going to be there for the long term and his father won't allow him to like you. And he clearly doesn't. Think about YOU, and YOUR needs and get help. There are, on top of domestic abuse shelters, county mental health centers who can help you. Heck, call your local humane society, tell them your situation and ask if they know of any reliable people to watch Duke. Heck, if you lived near me *I* would Duke and make sure he was treated like a king (as all my dogs are). I'm not the only doglover who empathizes with abused women and would help.

    You shouldn't have to do this alone with only us as support. The situation sounds scary, maybe like this man could lash out and hurt you. Please save yourself from this mess, regardless of the situation. And try to leave. There has GOT to be a way. I mentioned several ways to make friends above. I hope you find friends in real time. (((Hugs)))
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2009
  6. lmf64

    lmf64 New Member

    I remember coming here to the board long ago one day when my son had pushed me to my limit and I threw a capri sun at him. I felt so bad for losing it like that and then when I came here was given the straight facts. For a long time after that I wouldn't come here for anything. I was extremely upset that coming to the one place that I felt safe talking about the troubles dealing with a difficult child and being told I was wrong for doing what I did. I knew that what I did was wrong, but didn't want to hear it from people who weren't there. I won't tell you you were wrong for throwing a glass of water at a kid who was being so disrespectful, especially one who's 11 years old. Heck I probably would have done it myself. None of us are perfect and sometimes we blow. Take it easy on yourself. But, I wouldn't kiss up to SO. I'd begin looking for someplace else to go. Let him deal with his child on his own.
  7. LoveMyDuke

    LoveMyDuke Guest

    Thanks, MWMom. Leaving Duke is just not an option...not even for a month or a week. I could go into explaining all the reasons behind that, but I'll spare you. It is what it is. Where I go my dog goes. Roadblock? Yea, I suppose. But he is all I have. I would not make it without him.

    I have a good job and go to school full-time. It's not that I'm destitute or anything. There's just...well, a lot about me you all don't know. A lot about my past, I should say. Sometimes I get to feeling so damn sorry for myself...WTF did I do to deserve to have my baby die and then her dad commit suicide? Duke is my only "physical" connection to them and he will never, ever be away from me. Never. Not even for a day.

    You are right about detaching. I started counseling on Friday and she said the same thing...back off, stay out of it, don't do anything parental. I try. It's just hard when I have to listen to all that screaming, especially when I'm so sick. Right now I'm locked in my study with two fans and an online white noise maker going...it is successfully drowning out the rest of the house. But if want to dress, go to the bathroom, eat...I have to be around them. I can't avoid it.

    I do have friends in the area, just not really *good* friends who I could stay with or even talk to about all this. They don't get it. And the ones who I have talked to are probably sick of hearing about it. Can't say I blame them. Who wants to listen to someone whining about a situation they KNOWINGLY placed themself into? That's what I did. Dove in head-first knowing exactly what I was getting into. So yea, my bad, that was some really fine decision-making.

    Dave is no physical threat to me. He is a complete idiot, but he knows his a** would land in jail if he tried to ever touch me in anger. He doesn't drink or do drugs at all. I had my share of living with an alcoholic and know Al-Anon like the back of my hand. It saved my life, probably. But at any rate, there are no substance abuse issues at all now. Just one man who is a complete IDIOT and a child who is the product of that idiocy.

    Yes, there is a way. It's just scary doing it all alone. I am going to look today at apartments. I dread the thought, but it is what it is. It wouldn't have to be forever...I keep telling myself that.

    Oh, and I live in Wisconsin.
  8. LoveMyDuke

    LoveMyDuke Guest

    lmf64, thanks. capri sun...I actually grinned at reading that. Not because of what you did or what I did...but because of the insanity that pushes people to do something so completely stupid.

    I'm OK with people telling me I've made really BAD choices. Believe me, I know this. It's just that sometimes other factors come into play and you only see what you want to see, because at the moment it seems like everything will be OK. That's why I'm here...I deluded myself into believing this would work out. But in reality, I KNEW it wouldn't.

    After all I've been through, I just wanted normalcy. And what did I do? Went right back into chaos...from an alcoholic relationship to one tainted mental illness (and who knows what else is going on with those two.)

    I sometimes hate my own self-awareness. Maybe it would be easier if I could exist in ignorant bliss, defending my bad choices, acting as though "all is good."

    Sorry if I'm writing too much today. This is keeping my from going over the edge.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    First off, I am sorry you are sick with the flu/virus. If it is a flu you NEED to see a doctor because it is very likely the h1n1 (or as a member here called it - hiney) flu. Things seem worse when you are sick.

    Now, I KNOW that things are terrible. That being sick does NOT mean that it isn't abusive and horrible and scary. It is all of those.

    I am so sorry that you are cut off from other people in your community. MWM had excellent suggestions of narc anon and alanon. If D is not an alcoholic or drug abuser chances are that one of your relatives may have that problem. I am NOT casting blame or saying awful things about your family. It is just that most families have someone with one of these problems. I have quite a few myself. Use these relatives as an excuse to seek out alanon. Or go without telling him where you are going. You will not only have people who understand, you will make friends and you will find resources.

    The way D and B change suddenly and the dark side of their personalities comes out is very scary. It tells you that they are VERY DANGEROUS. Do not tell D that he is abusing you and B. Or that B is abusing you. Do NOT tell them this. It will spur them to do even worse things. (You think this is abuse?? I'll give you some real abuse" reaction).

    As for the child. He is being abused. Many of his behaviors stem from a lifetime of being abused. He has such a lousy, awful, painful life. It truly is sad that no one cares enough to make sure this kid gets help.

    That said, I DO understand that he would likely blame YOU and not his dad. His dad is all he knows. What would happen to HIM if his dad left/was taken away? He knows you won't take him (totally understandable) and he also may have cooperated with children's services in the past. It probably resulted in his dad keeping custody and the kid getting even worse abuse and threats from his dad. So why would he cooperate? He truly knows nothing else and it would never occur to him that other parents didn't do this and more.

    Your behavior was not the best. You know it, we know it. It is not as bad as his father's, but at least you recognize the need for change.

    We may be strangers on the other end of a keyboard who collided out on the web, but we are still friends. We are still worried about you. We will still help in any way we can, send hugs, sympathize, find resources, worry and pray for/about you. In many ways you can be honest with us in a way you cannot be with most people because we have been there done that and because we don't sit and stare at you.

    We really DO care. Please let us know what state you are in. Keep in touch so we know you are OK. Above all, know that you are NOT ALONE.

    Many hugs,

    Last edited: Oct 18, 2009
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Ok. Lots more info came out so disregard most of my last post. Except the part about being abused. And the part about us caring.

    We ALL lose it. We have all done things we knew were not right. We can only apologize and do our best to not do it again.

    I am glad you are looking at apartments. I do not believe D really would be held back from hurting you by knowing you would press charges. When he "flips" he won't even care.

    I am sorry for the pain of your past losses. I know it must have been so terribly painful, the worst pain you could possibly endure.

    You say you know alanon like the back of your hand. If you were truly "done" with alanon you would not have gotten into this kind of situation. It may still be helpful to go to meetings. But that is your choice.

    Many hugs, and take care of yourself and your furbabies!
  11. LoveMyDuke

    LoveMyDuke Guest

    Susiestar--thanks to you, as well. No one in my family has alcohol problems...not by a long-shot. We are the quintessential normal family, although don't get me wrong, we have our quirks. My experience with AODA comes from Ashley's dad. She is my daughter who died. Tim and I were together for 15 years before he committed suicide over my relationship with Dave. Tim and I had been apart for one year when I met Dave, but Tim could not cope with life. He was a severe alcoholic and I believe had some undiagnosed mental illness--in hindsight I see a lot I didn't see at the time it was happening. He left me a long, detailed voicemail message 3 minutes before pulling out of a police turnaround on the Interstate and driving his vehicle head-on into a semi going 65 MPH. He did it near the exit he knew I had to get off at to get to Dave's house...the same exit he knew I would drive by that morning on my way to work (he did this at 5 AM). Talk about the ultimate f**k you.

    And yes. You are right again--I absolutely should be in Al-Anon still. The effects of alcoholics don't go away just because the alcoholic is gone. Thanks so very much for this reminder. I will look into finding another group.

    So yea, how's them apples for some messed up circumstances? I don't mean to sound flippant. I'm not. But if I don't tell it "matter of factly", almost like telling someone else's story, I lose it.

    So I clung to Dave after Tim's death not because I WANTED this...but because it was better than alone. Nothing is worse than alone when you are grieving. Dave didn't help with my grief, or even so much as offer sympathy, but what he provided was a vital element that I needed: distraction. With him I did not have to deal with Tim's death all at once...I could do that in bits and pieces. When I was alone, I had nothing to distract myself. Tim's death consumed me, crushed me. I could not handle it 24/7. So I used Dave....used him to be my escape.

    Does that make me a really bad person? Maybe. But it is beyond words to describe what dealing with suicide is like.

    This happened three years ago. Three years ago on October 6th, to be exact. So now you know why I'm here in this screwed up situation. Am I a bad person for staying under these crazy pretenses? Maybe. It was self-preservation. I had no family in the area and few friends. I didn't know how else to survive.

    At any rate, the advice is all GREAT. Thank you for being here! You really have no idea how much I need this. Saving money won't be an issue. We have completely separate finances...he has no idea what credit union I even used.

    And even though this may sound like an excuse, it's really not. He will never try to "get me to stay" or screw with my head to make me think I'm at fault. This is what I believe to be the Asperger's-like tendencies of his--he won't care. I've left before (this was before we lived together) and his response is "oh well." He told me last week "I have no conscience." Not in a criminal, sociopathic kind of way...Dave is not at all dangerous to me, even though I know he sounds that way. He just really does not care about a whole lot. His "rages" with Brandon are pretty much identical to the ones the kid has himself, minus crying. They both do the exact same thing--snap, scream, swear, sometimes get physical--and then it's over. Like nothing happened. And I'M the crazy one for still being upset. To them it's over and they have no comprehension why I might be a tad bit upset.

    When I get out of this, I am absolutely taking MWMom's advice and calling CPS. No authorities have ever been involved with this kid, but I think that's a long time coming. Now Dave says he "can't afford" Brandon's medications until January (when his insurance renews), so he's thinking about just the kid off them again. Unbelievable. Funny how he could afford a new fireplace and big-screen TV...but not his own child's medication. SOMEONE else needs to be aware of what he's doing to this child.

    Anyway. Thanks again. Man, I would have gone out of my mind this morning if not for this board. Truly cuckoo. I took a bunch of flu medicine and actually feel somewhat better. I have a ton of studying to do--I can't lay arond all day today.

    But despite feeling like ****, I am going to go now and walk Duke in the woods.
    Autumn in the beautiful rolling hills of southern Wisconsin is like something you'd see on a postcard. It's bright and crisp and pretty outside--just exactly the kind of food for the soul I am desperately in need of.
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Frankly, I'm not gonna sugar coat it, I'd have done the same thing/have done the same thing. Natural conscequences. lol Hope that makes you feel a bit better.;)

    You're in a highly volitile and abusive situation that is not going to improve. Dad is full blown difficult child himself.....and a mess.......which of course is not helping difficult child son in the least bit.

    I'd contact a domestic violence shelter. You can at least get on their waiting list. And sometimes they'll let you bring housetrained pets with you. If that's not an option, start trying the local churches. Go to the pastors, tell them what's going on and that you need to get out asap, but have no where to go and no one to help you. Many churches help people in such situations get set up with housing/jobs and the like.

    I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

    Welcome to the board. I'm glad you found us.

  13. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Get out now, do not look back just leave as fast as your legs will take you. Go to the nearest women's shelter or ask a relative if you can crash. 3 hours away is not really that far. Turn your fear into something constructive. The thing that is keeping you in the place you are in is fear. Fear of being alone. fear of the unknown, fear of failure etc.
    This type of fear is the bad kind of fear because it keeps you stuck in bad situations. Fear can be a great motivator also try turning your fear around to help you exit.

    As far as notifying DSS goes, get yourself out of the situation first. Dave is abusive already ( verbal to you and physical to his son) he could esculate and really hurt you if enraged. So leave first and then make an annomous complaint to the police, the school, and DSS. I suggest all three to insure that someone will follow up on it. Once you make the complaint let it go and get on with improving yourself and your life. This child does indeed need help and chances are that those that have contact with him already know this so your complaint is just one more motivation to insure he gets it. -RM
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2009
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. I'm in Wisconsin too. If you're anywhere in the Central area I may know some resources for you that would allow dogs. Or I could help you look.

    I sent you a PM then remembered I think it's hard to PM me back. People say they can't reach me. I tried to disable my PM...maybe you can get through.

    Keep coming back. We will support you. I'm so sad about the horror of what you went through and understand about Duke.
  15. TPaul

    TPaul Idecor8

    Dear lovemyDuke,
    Glad you found the board, and know that there are many that do competely understand your situation. Many have had very similiar experiences.

    I along with others on the board, know what it is like to lose a child. The hole it leaves within us, never goes away, but we have to let that place heal as time goes on.

    You can not ever blame yourself for someone elses behaviour or what they do to themselves. No, but if's, or what if's allowed. We do not control anyone other than ourselves. Thier decisions are thiers alone.

    Your not a bad person for needing to have someone else around, even if it was just in a physical sense, while you coped with your loss. That is a natural response that many of us have. Its is a safety mechanism to keep ourselves from sliding down into a dark pit.

    The time has come however, that you do not need the others in this relationship, to help you survive. Your self awareness of what has happened and why from the past shows that you have gained the strength to now step out of the situation that you are currently in. Your much stronger than you probably give yourself credit for. You have survived many a fast ball that life has thrown you way.

    It is time to step into a new chapter of your life. Since finances are not a problem, you have no reason not to find a new place to live. If you have to just take any old thing, for a first step to remove yourself from the other house, just go do it. Tommorrow, if not sooner, :)

    Not sure if you have a lot of your own things in your current place you are living. If you do take as much as you can load into a vehicle or rent a small moving van. Take off a day from work if needed, to remove the items while no one else is home. If you can' t take everything, take the most important items and leave other things, that can be replaced later. Do not move while either on of them is there. If you have to make do in another place with only the bare essentials, don't sweat it. It will be like beginning again and adding the things you really like, that make you smile.

    YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!!!! GO GIRL AND THRIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

    We are here for you any time of the day,
    T. Paul
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have one more suggestion that I think may be very important. You might want to look into a grief group. It sounds like you never allowed yourself to totally grieve for Tim and your daughter, but tried to distract yourself. I'm in therapy and I know, if this were me, my therapist would tell me I had to grieve in order to move on. Even if he was an alcoholic and you weren't with him anymore, you loved him once and you grieved his passing and as for your daughter...I can't even imagine. Please, please be good to yourself and try a grief support group. You don't have to say anything until/unless you are ready, but you won't be alone anymore. (((Hugs)))
  17. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Many, many hugs to you, LoveMyDuke. The others have given good advice, I just wanted to say hi.
  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Oh, LMD, I don't think any of us would blame you for doing what you had to do to survive after the suicide. I have experienced 2 of them, 1 as a young child and one at age 18. They are truly devastating. No words can describe the pain.

    I do agree that the way the suicide happened was meant to hurt you. PLEASE find a grief group. Most know that it can take a week, a month, a minute, a year, a decade or a lifetime to get to the point you can handle a grief group. Many funeral homes have them or know of them. They will NOT be surprised that you waited a few years to come to the group. It will help more than you believe now that anything can help.

    As for Dave not hurting you, don't be surprised to be wrong. It is often the "snappers" (people who snap and then are done, don't know why everyone is upset) who end up really hurting someone. I grew up with 2 of them.

    It really sounds like you are ready to move on. Please be careful and be quick. I know you don't think you are abused, not a whole lot, but you truly are. You display many of the types of thinking that are hallmarks of battered women.

    Know that we care, and keep posting.
  19. LoveMyDuke

    LoveMyDuke Guest

    Thanks to all of you. It makes me cry because I've never had support like this before. I have a best friend 5 hours away and my sister, but they don't truly "get it." Sometimes I think they just get worn out from me....they don't understand what it's like.

    Susiestar, I can't imagine dealing with two suicides. One has been awful enough. I'm so sorry for your losses. I WILL look for a grief group...I promise that.

    The counselor I started seeing last week also suggested we start working on "Tim stuff." I agreed. I think I'm ready. Even though we weren't together when he died, he was my soul mate and absolute best friend in the world. He was a sad, sick, troubled soul--but he was also a beautiful soul. Someone who made this world better, despite all his demons. I couldn't be in the relationship anymore, but all I ever wanted was for him to get better and be happy. I never wished a bad thing on him--even through all the horrific stuff I dealt with from his alcoholism. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and miss him. And Ashley, of course. She is part of why I live for my nephews and niece--I shower them with all the love and attention and good things I never had the chance to give Ashley. They are the lights of my life and I CAN'T WAIT to go up north to see them this weekend!

    T.Paul, how right you are about the "dark pit." It's a place I never, ever want to see again. Thank you so much for your encouraging words. No one ever tells me "you can do it" and it's nice to hear.

    Yes, everything I own in the world is here. I talked to my brother-in-law today (my sis's hub)...we are close, he's like a "real" brother...and he said just tell me when and we will be there to move you. I will do like you said--during the day, when no one is home. I don't want confrontation. I don't want drama. I don't want a single thing of his. I just want out.

    I suppose you're all right about Dave. He COULD get violent with me. What am I thinking?? Sometimes I think that I'm just used to chaos...that I gravitate toward it because it's all I've known for the last 20 years. I didn't grow up that way, my parents are wonderful people and I love them dearly. There was never violence or drinking/drugs or chaos in my family. My dad is retired pastor, for crying out loud! (And no, don't believe ANY of the stereotypes about preachers' daughters. My dad is a wonderful man who always said "my girls aren't perfect, just like anyone else's." He never held us to a higher standard and I never felt the need to rebel or be the "goody two shoes" preacher's kid. I was always just me and my parents loved me for that.)

    Anyway, I am exhausted. Mental/emotional exhaustion is the worst kind. I do triathlons and have never been this exhausted after finishing a race.

    My counselor gave this cheesy metaphor last week about numerator/denominator. She said to think of my life as a fraction: the denominator=the bad stuff, the numerator=the good stuff. She said to work on stacking the numerator in my favor, because the more good stuff you have the easier the bad stuff is to cope with. So I went hiking today to do something good for myself instead of sit here amidst the chaos. It helped.

    I am rambling again. Thanks again to all of you. I am trying...I will stick around this board. And I will check into grief groups. I know of several in the area, actually...I just never had the guts to go. Maybe it's time.
  20. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I'm so sorry...this is really, really difficult.
    Do you have a good friend who you can stay with for at least a few days?
    Perhaps you can tell your SO that you don't feel well (are sick) and need a quiet house to rest.
    In the mean time, you can really think hard about the entire situation.
    Out of curiosity, would your SO consider family therapy?
    Honestly, this is not a healthy environment.
    Can't be good for the child and can't be good for you.
    I just quickly saw that you are seeing a counselor. This is wonderful...would like to encourage you to go regularly. If alcoholism was in your family past...you might want to read AA literature. There is a group called Hazeldon Treatment that provides a wonderful email newsletter.
    Your relatives are 3 hours away. How friendly are you with them? If things don't get any better, would one of them consider letting you stay there for a period of time until you can get on your feet? Could you quietly/discreetly ask? Please protect yourself...you deserve a healthy and happy life. Does your city have a crisis hotline? Find out and quietly and discreetly keep the number with you at all times. Give this all some thought...come here often.