I have nowhere else to go

[GoingNorth]

I'm also a young widow. I'm 49 and my husband died the day before my 42nd birthday and 6 days before our 21st anniversary.

He did not commit suicide. We had a good relationship and loved each other deeply. He died of damage related to service in Desert Storm.

I never dealt with the 'how could you do this to me?" Instead I was bitterly angry with the military who basically not only failed to protect him from the poisons he was exposed to, but threw him away once he was 'used up'.

I did sometimes ask myself what in hell I had done to 'deserve' something like this happening. I can only imagine the sort of self-blame that has to go along with being a suicide-widow, especially as it sounds like there were other issues in the marriage as well.

Young widows are very likely to fall into relationships too soon after the loss. It's touch hunger, you just NEED to be held by another person.

I am a true loner and husband was really my only true friend. I had been with him since high-school and I was terrified of being alone. In my case, fear led me to become even more isolated, but in many cases it leads widow/ers to seek out relationships very early on.

I should think also that given that your late husband interpreted your relationship with Dave to be 'cheating' on him (despite you being seperated) that there has to be a tremendous additional load of guilt there as well.

His way of committing indicates to me that he was trying to punish you primarily, and ending his own life might've been secondary to that. It's the same thing as people who drive in front of trains or pull guns on cops. They are basically saying that they want you to suffer, but they won't take responsibility for their own final actions.

I just imagine the truck driver, or train engineers, or cops, who go through this. It's a horrible thing to do to other innocent people in addition to the one you are actually trying to hurt.

I second what all the others have said about getting in contact with DV. In the meantime, gather up all your important legal papers, put them in a lockbox and store them in your vehicle trunk or other safe place. Seperate your finances as much as you can. DV can advise you on how to best do this.

If any of your pets are purebreds or have strong resemblances to purebreds, search breed rescues for those breeds. They are very used to dealing with this situation and finding foster homes for the pets until you get back on your feet.

I live in far North Central WI (up in the Eagle River area) I have contacts in Milwaukee as well. If you PM me with some details and your location, I'll be happy to look into details in my neck of the woods.

In the meantime, I strongly recommend joining widownet.org. They are a membership only community (you cannot read posts unless you join) that provides support to all members of the widow/ed community.

They have excellent forums for both survivors of suicide and 'ambivalent grief', both of which I think could be very helpful to you. I know the wonderful people there got me through the first couple of years after husband died.

I wish you the best of luck. Try to think of what you CAN do, not what you cannot do.

Best,
toK

 

[Marguerite]

You've added a lot of extra info and it explains a great deal more.

Some things I want to clarify for you -

1) sociopaths/psychopaths (same thing) are not always violent. Most of them are fairly law-abiding, if only because they prefer to NOT be put in jail and have their freedom restricted. When you are told, "I have no conscience," he could well be telling the truth. And that lack of conscience is a hallmark of sociopathy. I used to work with a sociopath (admittedly, I worked it out afterwards from various key pointers given in articles on sociopaths in the workplace). Sociopaths in the workplace at first seem to be an asset to the business, but the long-term effects on the productivity of a business is damaging. Such people "white-ant" others in their zeal to get themselves advanced. The employer who doesn't catch on, risks losing his business purely from unwitting damage done. They generally have no conscience and no empathy for others.

2) Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) is not the same, but it can superficially look like sociopathy, especially when the person is raging. There have been times when I've been scared by one or other of my boys. However, when I go digging afterwards I can generally work out what happened to trigger it, there's nothing Machiavellian about them (WYSIWYG). And they generally would be remorseful after a major rge where tey realised they had been unacceptable.

3) Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) people DO have a conscience, but they have difficulty with empagthy. Perhaps the difference is - people with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) care about their differences, as a rule, and try to learn how to blend in. It can be tricky here - difficult child 3 & difficult child 1 are now content to be who and what they are - when difficult child 3 was asked last week by the reporter, if he would ever want to be cured of his autism, he said no, he is happy as he is. However, he is constantly asking me questions to help him understand people better. Now, it's possible that if Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) is the problem with your two boys, the complicating factor has been the lack of proper social modelling for either of them (hence no realisation of just how bad their behaviour is, plus no motivation to work to modify their own behaviour; a sort of, "Nothing wrong with me, so it must be YOU" response). However, with the added detail I would be wary of focussing only on Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) as a possible explanation.

If you want to give your own serious consideration to Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) (either for, or against) then try out the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire on www.childbrain.com. It's not officially diagnostic, of course, but it could help you see what behaviour of theirs could fit the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) profile and what is left over that is way outside that realm of possibility. If you're unsure of exactly how to interpret any of the questions, click on that question for more guidance. DOing this could help settle your mind one way or another.

As for how to cope - you need to detach. From what you say, you're already doing that.

I mentioned ear plugs - not everybody can use them, husband can't. But I've found them a godsend. I aim for those squishy ones you roll between your fingers and compress, then they expand back again once you put them in your ears. Some of them are too big - I cut them down until they're the right size.
I've also made my own earplugs when the noise level gets more than I can cope with and I don't have anything handy. For example, at a friend's wedding on Friday night, the music suddenly got painfully loud and after only a few minutes I found my ears ringing even after I went to another, quiet, room.
I went to the bathroom, got some toilet paper. I tore off a strip, wet it under the tap, squeezed out the excess moisture and moulded it into a small pyramid (practice gets you the correct size). The next step is important - get another strip of dry paper and wrap it around the pyramid plug you've made. This will also wet down and get soft, but should help hold it into one piece for later easy removal.
Then cram it into your ear. You should make it a size where you can easily fit it in without overhang, but still big enough to get a fingernail grip on for later removal. don't leave them in for more than a few hours because the moisture can cause problems if you leave them in for a day or more without removal. And once you remove them you probably need to make a new pair next time - once they dry out away from your ear, you can't re-wet them without them risking falling apart.

I first learned that trick while a kid away at camp. Nobody was getting any sleep because of people maknig lots of noise coming and going at all hours. Once I crammed in my ear plugs, I was able to get all the sleep I needed!

Also, they don't completely eliminate the noise. I found at the wedding that I could still hear conversations (I did have to concentrate a bit on lip-reading) but the music volume was down to pleasant levels. It was almost as if it drowned out the music preferentially. However, I have found that it tends to take out the extreme peaks of volume (as in people shouting) although it won't stop you being aware of arguments.

So think about this - what was it tat upset you about the fighting? Was it the loud volume? The sudden increase in volume? Or was it the content of what was said?

If it was volume-related, the ear plugs will help. If it was the content of what they were saying to one another, you will need more than ear plugs to help you detach. They may help.

Also, when you can make them the right size (and especially if your hair mostly covers your ears) they should be invisible to all but the closest observations. Nobody on Friday night realised I was wearing ear plugs.

Other than what I've said - I endorse pretty much what everyone else has said - grief counselling, getting back in touch with AlAnon, getting yourself out of this (because it has gone way too far for you to have any input into this with either of them) and getting yourself safe. While I tend to agree with you, I don't think they would plan to physically hurt you, it is always possible for even someone who loves you dearly, to hurt you in a rage. And I don't think the son, at least, has that personal restriction. Neither of them seems to be physically violent towards you - yet. And if you keep your distance physically and emotionally from their arguments, it should stay that way.

But the emotional abuse is what you're already copping, and that is totally unacceptable, especially form an adult who is supposed to care for you and support you.

In families where two adults are working towards helping a child, it is part of the ground rules to not undermine one another in front of the child. So you don't correct the other adult in front of the child for their discipline procedure. If you have concerns you say to the otheradult, "Please come with me into the next room for a moment," and ten you QUIETLY (because little ears could be listening at the keyhole) say, "I think you were out of line there because..." and discuss it. "I wanted to stop you for a moment to confirm that you were fully aware of..." is another diplomatic way of handling it.

Maybe further down the track once you have already established in the child's mind that adults are the ones in authority and are a united front, you can risk challenging the other adult but only in extreme circumstances and only if it's not going to cause problems. Generally, you don't do it. Either of you. If one does it, that also shouldn't open the door to =suddenly allowing verbal retaliation.

Mind you, this is the ideal. It's what we aim for, and we don't always get it right when we're early in the game and badly stressed as well. But if we foul up and things go pear-shaped, we need to see all the factors that escalated the situation.

You do seem to be aware of the times when you've done or said the wrong thing. That is really good. The trouble is, you're the only one who does seem to notice this. And you're only a step-parent, plus a step-parent who is clearly not allowed to have ANY say. Not allowed by the fater, not allowed by the son.

And back to the ground rules - not only is the father undermining you in front of the son, he is encouraging his son to be disrespectful. Is it any wonder this kid also shows disrespect to his father? How can anyone respect such inconsistency and poor excuse for responsibility?

Seriously - I think you already know this, but you need to get out of this. Keep up with the counselling, you have too much to deal with and you haven't had anywhere near enough time to resolve your grief, even if you had been in intensive therapy all this time. You fell too far into this relationship for the wrong rasons and it's become a disaster that frankly, is only going to make it harder to deal with your grief.

Hang onto Duke. Find yourselves a space that is a refuge for you all (as in , you and your furry friends) and use this peace to work yourself out. You can't fix other people if they don't consider they need it.

Keep us posted on how you're getting on. The beauty of a site like this - you can dump on us and we won't say, "Heavens above, why won't she shut up!" because it's one of the things we're here for. Save your face-to-face friendships for good times and for listening to your friends' problems.

Marg

 

[Wiped Out]

Others have given great advice; I just want to add in my welcome and lend my support. by the way, I'm also in Wisconsin (Madison). Hugs to you tonight.

 

[LoveMyDuke]

So think about this - what was it tat upset you about the fighting? Was it the loud volume? The sudden increase in volume? Or was it the content of what was said?

... You can't fix other people if they don't consider they need it.
Marg

Marguerite--wow, thanks. Your entire response holds some incredibly insightful thoughts. by the way, how I love the Machiavelli reference! I love literature, in particular from the Renaissance era.

As for the fights, it is both: volume AND content. This kid screams so loud you can hear it a block away with windows closed, from a well-insulated home. If it was age-appropriate, I would react differently, but it's not. This seems to be just screaming for the sake of screaming. I think it stems from zero frustration tolerance, being told "no," lack of respect for authority figures, and a desire to control everything around him. And why not? He's been allowed to live this way for almost 12 years.

It's also the content that gets to me--the swearing, the defiance, the disrespect, the circumstances that led up to it (circumstances Dave should have foreseen would be trouble).

I currently spend all my time in my study...with the ceiling fan on, another portable fan running, and a free white noise Web site on high. It blocks out most noise from the rest of the house, assuming they are downstairs (which they are 99% of the time, planted in front of a TV or computer). I may just add a good pair of earplugs into the mix and see how the whole combination works together.

Your comment about other people not thinking they need help really hit home. That is exactly what Dave is--someone who sees absolutely no fault in his own actions. Everyone else is wrong; never him. He has his moments of acknowledgment, but never follows through. Never.

I am not even sleeping in the same room with him anymore. It sort of sucks sleeping on couch, but it is what it is. I'm just trying to stay away from them as best I can. There's a lot I need to sort out and do...but for the immediate future (tonight), I have a paper to write!

The comments about sociopath vs. Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) were really interesting. I did not know most of this. I'm not diagnosing him with anything, the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) speculation is just based on some Web sites I read. All I know is that Dave and his son are definitely not "right" and getting them to see that is like proving the sky is blue to someone born blind. Can't do it.

So anyway, I have school work to do...lots of it. I got very little done over the weekend. On top of all this madness I work full-time, attend school full-time and try to get some triathlon training in, even though it's the "off season" now. It's good, though--better busy than idle.

Wiped Out--I work in Madison! I've lived in the vicinity for 20 years. Know anyone looking to rent an affordable house to one stressed-out woman and her 3 pets? lol Kinda kidding...but kinda not!

 

[Wiped Out]

Right now I don't know anyone but you never know! I've also been in Madison for about 20 years (22 to be exact). I really do like it here-it's a great city!

 

[emotionallybankrupt]

Your posts make me remember a book that helped me immensely, years ago. I long since gave it away--to someone I thought needed it--and I don't remember the specifics of the book, just how valuable it was to me at the time. I hope you can find a copy of Learning to Leave.

 

[Giselle]

Wow, you've been through a lot. It sounds like everyone is in a lot of pain there

I really like the advice people are giving, but one thing I always notice in posts are the animals. So let me say it...

Please try to get Coco the lab out of there. It sounds like he belongs to your SO, and from your signature it also sounds like you don't like him much, but he's trapped among the screaming and violence, and it sounds like he probably doesn't get walked (which is so essential for large dogs, and part of what makes him out of control) or get good attention from these selfish guys. He's such a true victim in this. He's no doubt freaked out at all the yelling and tension. Unlike the child he can never in his life leave or get services unless someone in that house rescues him. It's not his fault he's never been trained. Please be an advocate for him.

 

[GoingNorth]

Giselle is right. Labrador Rescue has branches in every state out there. They can take him in, put him in a foster home where he can get basic training, and then place him with a suitable family.
you
Labs are large, active dogs. Being as they were raised to hunt and retrieve, they need a lot of exercise and training to keep them from going bonkers and developing a lot of bad habits.

Do a websearch on 'Labrador Retriever Rescue' and enter your state name following that on the search bar.

 

[GoingNorth]

Giselle is right. Labrador Rescue has branches in every state out there. They can take him in, put him in a foster home where he can get basic training, and then place him with a suitable family.
you
Labs are large, active dogs. Being as they were raised to hunt and retrieve, they need a lot of exercise and training to keep them from going bonkers and developing a lot of bad habits.

Do a websearch on 'Labrador Retriever Rescue' and enter your state name following that on the search bar.

 

[LoveMyDuke]

Please try to get Coco the lab out of there. It sounds like he belongs to your SO, and from your signature it also sounds like you don't like him much, but he's trapped among the screaming and violence, and it sounds like he probably doesn't get walked (which is so essential for large dogs, and part of what makes him out of control) or get good attention from these selfish guys.

I was probably having an exceptionally bad day when I did my sig and just trying to illustrate how clueless and ineffective SO is with regard to ANY life that he is charged with overseeing. At least I didn't mention poor Dory, the fish who bailed from her tank because Dave never fed her...

As for Coco, I actually love him very much. Just Saturday I took him to an Applied Animal Behaviorist to have him evaluated for his appropriateness to enroll in Beginning family dog training (Dave actually gave me the money to pay for this evaluation). Sadly, just like Brandon, Coco has been provided no leadership, no training, no rules, no exercise, no boundaries, and NO socialization. He's a really sweet, really smart dog who just needs some training and leadership. His only walks are those I take him on. And, as you might imagine, guess who his alpha is? Dogs can detect instability a mile away and he sticks to me like glue.

One of my greatest passions and hobbies in life is training dogs and reading/learning about dog behavior. I attend seminars, book signings, classes...I'm sort of a dog behavior junkie! So yea, I know all too well Coco's dire circumstance.

I haven't quite figured out how to approach it, but I don't plan on just leaving him if I can have anything to do with it. I have to be realistic and keep my priorities in line. First Duke and me, then Coco.

But thanks so much for your comments. I have such respect for other dog fanatics like myself!!

 

[LoveMyDuke]

Your posts make me remember a book that helped me immensely, years ago. I long since gave it away--to someone I thought needed it--and I don't remember the specifics of the book, just how valuable it was to me at the time. I hope you can find a copy of Learning to Leave.

THANK YOU. As it happens I'm making a trip to the library tonight.

 

[lizanne2]

i admit to not reading every word right now as I am work but HAVE TO SAY


YOU HAVE MY SUPPORT.
I WILL BE THINKING OF YOU OFTEN OVER THIS HARD TIME.

Now, stay in contact with the DV shelter. Call there when you need to. Have an action plan. Copies of keys, car registation, important papers. keep it at your desk, a friend's house, etc.

The DV shelter I fled to also had an outreach group. Weekly meeting with group support---for people still in and also out of the relationship. It was invalueable. There is just a way my fellow survivors talked, spoke and felt that was uniquely helpful. (AND he doesn't have to hit you to be abusive).

So, please know that each day you are getting stronger and hopefully each day that pesky flu will go away!

And remember, you also have this cyber community rooting for you!

 

[lizanne2]

Oh and let me add........ at the DV shelter I went to they had a volunteer who would temporarily house petas(on her farm) and bring them to shelter for visits..............just saying.

 

[lakerhart]

We have all made really bad choices and I cannot say that I would have done anything any different than you. In fact I think I probably would have thrown water at an 11 year old that did it to me. Maybe they will learn it is not a comfortable feeling or not something they should do to someone else. If his idiot father isn't going to teach him about basic respect for human beings maybe "an eye for an eye" will. The fact that you are still sane and functioning, feel guilty about doing what you did (which I don't think I could bring myself to feel guilty about) and know you need to get out of that house proves that you are doing well with the situation. Good luck finding a good apartment! You deserve some peace.