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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 312919" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You've added a lot of extra info and it explains a great deal more.</p><p></p><p>Some things I want to clarify for you -</p><p></p><p>1) sociopaths/psychopaths (same thing) are not always violent. Most of them are fairly law-abiding, if only because they prefer to NOT be put in jail and have their freedom restricted. When you are told, "I have no conscience," he could well be telling the truth. And that lack of conscience is a hallmark of sociopathy. I used to work with a sociopath (admittedly, I worked it out afterwards from various key pointers given in articles on sociopaths in the workplace). Sociopaths in the workplace at first seem to be an asset to the business, but the long-term effects on the productivity of a business is damaging. Such people "white-ant" others in their zeal to get themselves advanced. The employer who doesn't catch on, risks losing his business purely from unwitting damage done. They generally have no conscience and no empathy for others.</p><p></p><p>2) Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) is not the same, but it can superficially look like sociopathy, especially when the person is raging. There have been times when I've been scared by one or other of my boys. However, when I go digging afterwards I can generally work out what happened to trigger it, there's nothing Machiavellian about them (WYSIWYG). And they generally would be remorseful after a major rge where tey realised they had been unacceptable.</p><p></p><p>3) Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) people DO have a conscience, but they have difficulty with empagthy. Perhaps the difference is - people with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) care about their differences, as a rule, and try to learn how to blend in. It can be tricky here - difficult child 3 & difficult child 1 are now content to be who and what they are - when difficult child 3 was asked last week by the reporter, if he would ever want to be cured of his autism, he said no, he is happy as he is. However, he is constantly asking me questions to help him understand people better. Now, it's possible that if Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) is the problem with your two boys, the complicating factor has been the lack of proper social modelling for either of them (hence no realisation of just how bad their behaviour is, plus no motivation to work to modify their own behaviour; a sort of, "Nothing wrong with me, so it must be YOU" response). However, with the added detail I would be wary of focussing only on Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) as a possible explanation. </p><p></p><p>If you want to give your own serious consideration to Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) (either for, or against) then try out the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire on <a href="http://www.childbrain.com" target="_blank">www.childbrain.com</a>. It's not officially diagnostic, of course, but it could help you see what behaviour of theirs could fit the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) profile and what is left over that is way outside that realm of possibility. If you're unsure of exactly how to interpret any of the questions, click on that question for more guidance. DOing this could help settle your mind one way or another.</p><p></p><p>As for how to cope - you need to detach. From what you say, you're already doing that.</p><p></p><p>I mentioned ear plugs - not everybody can use them, husband can't. But I've found them a godsend. I aim for those squishy ones you roll between your fingers and compress, then they expand back again once you put them in your ears. Some of them are too big - I cut them down until they're the right size.</p><p>I've also made my own earplugs when the noise level gets more than I can cope with and I don't have anything handy. For example, at a friend's wedding on Friday night, the music suddenly got painfully loud and after only a few minutes I found my ears ringing even after I went to another, quiet, room.</p><p>I went to the bathroom, got some toilet paper. I tore off a strip, wet it under the tap, squeezed out the excess moisture and moulded it into a small pyramid (practice gets you the correct size). The next step is important - get another strip of dry paper and wrap it around the pyramid plug you've made. This will also wet down and get soft, but should help hold it into one piece for later easy removal.</p><p>Then cram it into your ear. You should make it a size where you can easily fit it in without overhang, but still big enough to get a fingernail grip on for later removal. don't leave them in for more than a few hours because the moisture can cause problems if you leave them in for a day or more without removal. And once you remove them you probably need to make a new pair next time - once they dry out away from your ear, you can't re-wet them without them risking falling apart.</p><p></p><p>I first learned that trick while a kid away at camp. Nobody was getting any sleep because of people maknig lots of noise coming and going at all hours. Once I crammed in my ear plugs, I was able to get all the sleep I needed!</p><p></p><p>Also, they don't completely eliminate the noise. I found at the wedding that I could still hear conversations (I did have to concentrate a bit on lip-reading) but the music volume was down to pleasant levels. It was almost as if it drowned out the music preferentially. However, I have found that it tends to take out the extreme peaks of volume (as in people shouting) although it won't stop you being aware of arguments.</p><p></p><p>So think about this - what was it tat upset you about the fighting? Was it the loud volume? The sudden increase in volume? Or was it the content of what was said?</p><p></p><p>If it was volume-related, the ear plugs will help. If it was the content of what they were saying to one another, you will need more than ear plugs to help you detach. They may help.</p><p></p><p>Also, when you can make them the right size (and especially if your hair mostly covers your ears) they should be invisible to all but the closest observations. Nobody on Friday night realised I was wearing ear plugs.</p><p></p><p>Other than what I've said - I endorse pretty much what everyone else has said - grief counselling, getting back in touch with AlAnon, getting yourself out of this (because it has gone way too far for you to have any input into this with either of them) and getting yourself safe. While I tend to agree with you, I don't think they would plan to physically hurt you, it is always possible for even someone who loves you dearly, to hurt you in a rage. And I don't think the son, at least, has that personal restriction. Neither of them seems to be physically violent towards you - yet. And if you keep your distance physically and emotionally from their arguments, it should stay that way.</p><p></p><p>But the emotional abuse is what you're already copping, and that is totally unacceptable, especially form an adult who is supposed to care for you and support you.</p><p></p><p>In families where two adults are working towards helping a child, it is part of the ground rules to not undermine one another in front of the child. So you don't correct the other adult in front of the child for their discipline procedure. If you have concerns you say to the otheradult, "Please come with me into the next room for a moment," and ten you QUIETLY (because little ears could be listening at the keyhole) say, "I think you were out of line there because..." and discuss it. "I wanted to stop you for a moment to confirm that you were fully aware of..." is another diplomatic way of handling it.</p><p></p><p>Maybe further down the track once you have already established in the child's mind that adults are the ones in authority and are a united front, you can risk challenging the other adult but only in extreme circumstances and only if it's not going to cause problems. Generally, you don't do it. Either of you. If one does it, that also shouldn't open the door to =suddenly allowing verbal retaliation.</p><p></p><p>Mind you, this is the ideal. It's what we aim for, and we don't always get it right when we're early in the game and badly stressed as well. But if we foul up and things go pear-shaped, we need to see all the factors that escalated the situation.</p><p></p><p>You do seem to be aware of the times when you've done or said the wrong thing. That is really good. The trouble is, you're the only one who does seem to notice this. And you're only a step-parent, plus a step-parent who is clearly not allowed to have ANY say. Not allowed by the fater, not allowed by the son.</p><p></p><p>And back to the ground rules - not only is the father undermining you in front of the son, he is encouraging his son to be disrespectful. Is it any wonder this kid also shows disrespect to his father? How can anyone respect such inconsistency and poor excuse for responsibility?</p><p></p><p>Seriously - I think you already know this, but you need to get out of this. Keep up with the counselling, you have too much to deal with and you haven't had anywhere near enough time to resolve your grief, even if you had been in intensive therapy all this time. You fell too far into this relationship for the wrong rasons and it's become a disaster that frankly, is only going to make it harder to deal with your grief.</p><p></p><p>Hang onto Duke. Find yourselves a space that is a refuge for you all (as in , you and your furry friends) and use this peace to work yourself out. You can't fix other people if they don't consider they need it.</p><p></p><p>Keep us posted on how you're getting on. The beauty of a site like this - you can dump on us and we won't say, "Heavens above, why won't she shut up!" because it's one of the things we're here for. Save your face-to-face friendships for good times and for listening to your friends' problems.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 312919, member: 1991"] You've added a lot of extra info and it explains a great deal more. Some things I want to clarify for you - 1) sociopaths/psychopaths (same thing) are not always violent. Most of them are fairly law-abiding, if only because they prefer to NOT be put in jail and have their freedom restricted. When you are told, "I have no conscience," he could well be telling the truth. And that lack of conscience is a hallmark of sociopathy. I used to work with a sociopath (admittedly, I worked it out afterwards from various key pointers given in articles on sociopaths in the workplace). Sociopaths in the workplace at first seem to be an asset to the business, but the long-term effects on the productivity of a business is damaging. Such people "white-ant" others in their zeal to get themselves advanced. The employer who doesn't catch on, risks losing his business purely from unwitting damage done. They generally have no conscience and no empathy for others. 2) Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) is not the same, but it can superficially look like sociopathy, especially when the person is raging. There have been times when I've been scared by one or other of my boys. However, when I go digging afterwards I can generally work out what happened to trigger it, there's nothing Machiavellian about them (WYSIWYG). And they generally would be remorseful after a major rge where tey realised they had been unacceptable. 3) Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) people DO have a conscience, but they have difficulty with empagthy. Perhaps the difference is - people with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) care about their differences, as a rule, and try to learn how to blend in. It can be tricky here - difficult child 3 & difficult child 1 are now content to be who and what they are - when difficult child 3 was asked last week by the reporter, if he would ever want to be cured of his autism, he said no, he is happy as he is. However, he is constantly asking me questions to help him understand people better. Now, it's possible that if Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) is the problem with your two boys, the complicating factor has been the lack of proper social modelling for either of them (hence no realisation of just how bad their behaviour is, plus no motivation to work to modify their own behaviour; a sort of, "Nothing wrong with me, so it must be YOU" response). However, with the added detail I would be wary of focussing only on Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) as a possible explanation. If you want to give your own serious consideration to Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) (either for, or against) then try out the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire on [url]www.childbrain.com[/url]. It's not officially diagnostic, of course, but it could help you see what behaviour of theirs could fit the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) profile and what is left over that is way outside that realm of possibility. If you're unsure of exactly how to interpret any of the questions, click on that question for more guidance. DOing this could help settle your mind one way or another. As for how to cope - you need to detach. From what you say, you're already doing that. I mentioned ear plugs - not everybody can use them, husband can't. But I've found them a godsend. I aim for those squishy ones you roll between your fingers and compress, then they expand back again once you put them in your ears. Some of them are too big - I cut them down until they're the right size. I've also made my own earplugs when the noise level gets more than I can cope with and I don't have anything handy. For example, at a friend's wedding on Friday night, the music suddenly got painfully loud and after only a few minutes I found my ears ringing even after I went to another, quiet, room. I went to the bathroom, got some toilet paper. I tore off a strip, wet it under the tap, squeezed out the excess moisture and moulded it into a small pyramid (practice gets you the correct size). The next step is important - get another strip of dry paper and wrap it around the pyramid plug you've made. This will also wet down and get soft, but should help hold it into one piece for later easy removal. Then cram it into your ear. You should make it a size where you can easily fit it in without overhang, but still big enough to get a fingernail grip on for later removal. don't leave them in for more than a few hours because the moisture can cause problems if you leave them in for a day or more without removal. And once you remove them you probably need to make a new pair next time - once they dry out away from your ear, you can't re-wet them without them risking falling apart. I first learned that trick while a kid away at camp. Nobody was getting any sleep because of people maknig lots of noise coming and going at all hours. Once I crammed in my ear plugs, I was able to get all the sleep I needed! Also, they don't completely eliminate the noise. I found at the wedding that I could still hear conversations (I did have to concentrate a bit on lip-reading) but the music volume was down to pleasant levels. It was almost as if it drowned out the music preferentially. However, I have found that it tends to take out the extreme peaks of volume (as in people shouting) although it won't stop you being aware of arguments. So think about this - what was it tat upset you about the fighting? Was it the loud volume? The sudden increase in volume? Or was it the content of what was said? If it was volume-related, the ear plugs will help. If it was the content of what they were saying to one another, you will need more than ear plugs to help you detach. They may help. Also, when you can make them the right size (and especially if your hair mostly covers your ears) they should be invisible to all but the closest observations. Nobody on Friday night realised I was wearing ear plugs. Other than what I've said - I endorse pretty much what everyone else has said - grief counselling, getting back in touch with AlAnon, getting yourself out of this (because it has gone way too far for you to have any input into this with either of them) and getting yourself safe. While I tend to agree with you, I don't think they would plan to physically hurt you, it is always possible for even someone who loves you dearly, to hurt you in a rage. And I don't think the son, at least, has that personal restriction. Neither of them seems to be physically violent towards you - yet. And if you keep your distance physically and emotionally from their arguments, it should stay that way. But the emotional abuse is what you're already copping, and that is totally unacceptable, especially form an adult who is supposed to care for you and support you. In families where two adults are working towards helping a child, it is part of the ground rules to not undermine one another in front of the child. So you don't correct the other adult in front of the child for their discipline procedure. If you have concerns you say to the otheradult, "Please come with me into the next room for a moment," and ten you QUIETLY (because little ears could be listening at the keyhole) say, "I think you were out of line there because..." and discuss it. "I wanted to stop you for a moment to confirm that you were fully aware of..." is another diplomatic way of handling it. Maybe further down the track once you have already established in the child's mind that adults are the ones in authority and are a united front, you can risk challenging the other adult but only in extreme circumstances and only if it's not going to cause problems. Generally, you don't do it. Either of you. If one does it, that also shouldn't open the door to =suddenly allowing verbal retaliation. Mind you, this is the ideal. It's what we aim for, and we don't always get it right when we're early in the game and badly stressed as well. But if we foul up and things go pear-shaped, we need to see all the factors that escalated the situation. You do seem to be aware of the times when you've done or said the wrong thing. That is really good. The trouble is, you're the only one who does seem to notice this. And you're only a step-parent, plus a step-parent who is clearly not allowed to have ANY say. Not allowed by the fater, not allowed by the son. And back to the ground rules - not only is the father undermining you in front of the son, he is encouraging his son to be disrespectful. Is it any wonder this kid also shows disrespect to his father? How can anyone respect such inconsistency and poor excuse for responsibility? Seriously - I think you already know this, but you need to get out of this. Keep up with the counselling, you have too much to deal with and you haven't had anywhere near enough time to resolve your grief, even if you had been in intensive therapy all this time. You fell too far into this relationship for the wrong rasons and it's become a disaster that frankly, is only going to make it harder to deal with your grief. Hang onto Duke. Find yourselves a space that is a refuge for you all (as in , you and your furry friends) and use this peace to work yourself out. You can't fix other people if they don't consider they need it. Keep us posted on how you're getting on. The beauty of a site like this - you can dump on us and we won't say, "Heavens above, why won't she shut up!" because it's one of the things we're here for. Save your face-to-face friendships for good times and for listening to your friends' problems. Marg [/QUOTE]
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